aujord’hui

With my feet in the sand I feel grounded, centered and here. The consciousness of the moment prompts me to ruminate on how many days pass us by on autopilot. How often do we cross paths with others experiencing this day, the same day that feels as mundane and simple as so many others, but it’s a day they will never forget? Whenever I’m in a moment where I am disconnected—somewhere in the past or in the future, both equal parts far away, both places that either I can not change or I have no control over, I look around me. Other people are anchors. All of these faces around me, living, being, and I have no idea how special or how inconsequential this current day is to them. Is it just Friday? Or is it the day on the beach they built a sand castle with Dad? Their first time on a jet ski? The first time they saw the ocean? The last? The day they spent from sun up to sun down on their jellyfish boogey board, reveling in saltwater and sweet summer air?

This moment could be a place that holds them eternally. My ordinary day is also a place that houses someone’s memory that is so special it will carry them through a future time that feels impossible.

Right now I can see a father holding his daughter. She is sound asleep amongst the sounds of the beach that are vibrant, cyclical and alive. The shrieks of joy in the lapping waves and the laughter amongst friends are merely background noise. All she knows is her father’s heartbeat, and that she is safe and loved in his arms. It is always these moments we miss. But I don’t want to. I want to to take the time to see them, even just a little clearer when I can. I want to witness your “one wild and precious life” (Mary Oliver). You deserve to be seen. We all do.

And suddenly my day, in the sea of all these faces of strangers whose stories I do not know and I will not know; I feel held too. I feel not so far from the things that I want, love, dream of and wish for. I feel not so far from all of the smaller memories who make me who I am.

I feel human and okay.

When I think about the ways this regular day to me is unforgettable to someone else—it feels good. It just does. And I don’t know what it means to be human, and we can philosophize on that until the end of time, but what I do know is how I feel when I look at anyone and wish for them to feel joy and hope, and that feels pretty close to what we’re supposed to strive for. I want you to be free, to shine, to smile. Let this day and all the days that you can, be worth it.

a sailor’s prayer.

My intention was to love you. This is my intention with every person, with every connection I make. I love. What differs is the way that love manifests and blooms into existence. It’s different every time. Sometimes it changes with people over time, but it is always love, and it needs no explanation. “One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” When we meet someone we have an idea of where our intended love will go. We’ll make choices and decisions based upon steering our love in the direction we desire. We visualize an outcome. This isn’t abnormal or even necessarily a bad thing. Visualization is healthy and helpful. There are some ways that intention can be insidious, but that has everything to do with the person doing the work and where they are in their healing process. Is their intention truly to love unconditionally? Or is it an escape out of loneliness? Is it actually a need for validation? Is it a vain attempt to numb a wound rather than heal it?

With you, I released the need to steer the ship. I decided the waves knew better how to get me to land. To an island with a jungle that’s lush and dense, so green it feels like you never even knew the true meaning of the color. Until now. A never-ending paradise abundant with life and nourishment. Of course, all jungles have dark, dangerous places too. But with love guiding me, I do not fear getting twisted up in the vines. Once I relax, release, the fear releases me too. I slip from the danger into a place of gratitude. The darkest parts of ourselves have a greater need to be seen than the lightest. This is where the deepest healing is. See me, it begs. This tests love, and love withstands.

So, I let go of the wheel of my ship and let it spin. Carried softly by salt and foam to whatever place is meant for me this time, I trust the motion. And while I could look at the night sky and consult the stars for an idea of where I’m going, it is more fun not to know.

Love.

Love.

Love.

My intention is to love you. It can blossom in any way it wants to, and that way will feel right. I stand securely and happily, with an open heart and open eyes. Love is a compass leading me home, “a little lighter, a little brighter.”

illuminations.

For two weeks I’ve woke up to the thought: “I need to do a reading and write a post today.” But the days kept passing, I didn’t pull any cards & I didn’t write a word. But this afternoon I thought, “I’m ready to do a reading and I want to write a poem.” Not even a poem, really. Just words. I’ve always hesitated to call anything I do poetry. Real talk? That’s just a personal insecurity. It’s a fear-based thought. I think to myself, “How can anything I write ever be beautiful enough to be considered poetic?” Then, I wake up out of that messy, low-self esteem, self-sabotaging daze and I realize: my entire goddamn existence is poetic. And so is yours. If you’ve forgotten & needed a reminder–this is it.

There are levels to the messages when reading tarot. Some of them we often don’t even realize at the time of a reading. It comes later, when we’re standing in the checkout line or folding laundry. I find we have our most extraordinary revelations doing ordinary things. That’s not by accident. So, my few words here won’t cover as deep as the meanings run with these cards, but maybe it can pull something out of you.

Long story short, I decided to bang out some shitty unedited free verse while meditating on these images.

My advice? Do what you need to do to revive your creativity when you feel it losing its breath. It’ll thank you.

The Sun.

to feel the warmth on my face,

revitalization

you gift me with your energy

all of it, radiating

from my fingertips

outstretched like rays

I reach for us,

glowing,

growing

I feel you underneath my skin,

soaking in, you stay

like the tan lines that still linger

on my body in deep winter

we laugh basking in light

ablaze,

even as we fade

I still feel the heat, eternal

between us

9 of cups.

so tell me,

if the Sun is the closest star to us,

if it’s light gives Earth life

why are we sending our wishes out so far?

I must have asked the Sun for you

not Sirius or Polaris

you came from the Sun

that is the only way this could feel

this good, this fast

I pour myself into you when you come

just like I poured out into the heavens,

waiting for you to arrive

here you are,

there you go

8 of cups.

and there I go,

the Moon comes out to wrap herself

around the Sun,

a crescent of comfort

she shows me parts of myself,

of you, of us

that I couldn’t see in daylight

I do not regret wishing for you

I do not curse the Sun for bringing you

I do not hate the Moon for revealing you

I am grateful for knowing

when to leave and when to stay

like Orpheus leading Eurydice,

I cannot look back

I am honored to love struggle

into stride

but mostly,

I am in love with knowing that if I go,

and you are mine, you will follow

someday, I know

you’ll catch up.

earth. air. water. fire.

What better way to celebrate Halloween than with a Tarot reading!? For those of you who don’t have much knowledge about Tarot, here is a basic description of the deck: Tarot has the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana. The Minor Arcana are split into four suits which are associated with the four elements; pentacles (earth), swords (air), cups (water) and wands (fire). The Major Arcana are probably the cards you’re most familiar with/used to seeing in pop culture when Tarot is mentioned, like The Fool, Death, The Devil, The Lovers, etc. Today I did an exercise where I split the four suits and Major Arcana up. I pulled from each of the individual decks to answer these five questions:

  1. What does my body (pentacles/earth) need?
  2. What does my mind (swords/air) need?
  3. What does my heart (cups/water) need?
  4. What does my inner fire (wands/fire) need?
  5. What is the overarching theme (Major Arcana) of my life?

It was a really fun, enlightening reading. Readings like these are a great way to get to know the deck more because you get one of each suit. I started reading Tarot on my own in January, but I still feel new to it. Each time I do a reading for myself or someone else, the cards reveal themselves to me in a fresh & unique way. This is also an easy spread for anyone who’s a beginner. Below is my own analysis of my reading. However, I’d love to hear any interpretations others may have, or if you try it yourself I’d love to know the results of your own reading (if you’re open to sharing)!

What does my body need?
Six of Pentacles.

            Associated with Moon in Taurus, 6 of Pentacles speaks to our possessions. It can often denote that money is coming. It could be an inheritance, award or a gift. Much like how a person with Moon in Taurus craves security through stable material wealth, a nest egg, the 6 of Pentacles shows something coming that will help you achieve that stability for your future. As Liz Dean writes, it’s a card that “brings genuine support.”

Knowing this & knowing I asked about what my body needs, the message I gather is my body needs to be treated as a gift. For the majority of my life, I was cruel to my body. Over the past few years, especially with the growth of the body positivity movement, I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. That’s not to say I don’t still have issues with my body dysmorphia. But lately, any fitness goals I have for myself come from a place of love. Instead of wanting to be smaller, I want to be stronger. Instead of wanting to be beautiful, I want to have a healthy glow. Instead of wanting someone else’s body, I want to want mine, as it is and for what it will be.

My body’s abilities enable me to live the blessed life I do have. These feet travel the world and my eyes see the wonders of it. My ears hear the laughter of my loved ones, and my mouth tells them how much I love them when they need to hear it most. My body will someday bear a child, and to that child this body will be home, like the arms of my mother are for me. The love I put into my body is the love it will award back to me. What a miracle. I vow to treat these bones & flesh as such.

What does my mind need?
Four of Swords.

            The 4 of Swords calls for rest. To say this year (especially since the eclipse in August) has been challenging would be an understatement. The 4 of Swords knows what you’ve been through, and it asks you to give yourself time to recuperate.

In regards to what my mind needs, the Linestrider Tarot says, “There will be battles in the future but you must take time to mend, sharpen and recover… Create space to think, dream, and heal while taking a break from the thoughts and demands of others.” This card isn’t hard to interpret. Quite literally, I need to quiet my mind, convalesce and give myself some self-care and solitude. All of this will aid me in building a sturdier foundation–a clear mind to make important life decisions approaching me.

Also fun fact: 4 of Swords is astrological association is Jupiter in Libra, which is actually my Jupiter placement! (If you haven’t calculated your birth chart yet, I highly suggest looking into it. Also feel free to contact me to discuss it!)

What does my heart need?
Seven of Cups.

            I am a dreamer, and my heart is prone to illusions and fantasy. With my Venus placement in Sagittarius, the fiery Archer, I shoot first and think later. Nowhere is too far and no one is out of my reach. Grand gestures are my favorite thing to give and receive. Love conquers all and so will we. I go big or go home with my affections, and to be honest… Lately, it hasn’t served me well. As the Linestrider Tarot reads, “The 7 of Cups celebrates the dreamer who is able to see the possibilities and excitement as well as difficulties in the future… What area of your life needs less illusion and more action?” It’s a card about the dangerous of too much fantasy, of grand illusions. Linestrider also warns that this card appears to warn us of a certain blindness we may have toward our own faults and unrealistic expectations.

My heart has had many expectations, and the expectations it has often don’t align with what the people it chooses to pursue are willing to give. What does my heart need? To reflect, to look inward and see the illusions it’s built up around romantic love and around certain people. This doesn’t mean to stop being a dreamer or a romantic. It’s asking me to stop standing in my own way. I can’t appreciate the beauty of reality because I’m so stuck on the delusion of a fantasy. In what ways have I failed myself and others in love? How can I improve myself to attract the love I desire? How can I learn to act from a place of unconditional love and not fear? I need to stop putting people on pedestals they never asked to be on and blaming them when they fall off. I need to see things as they are, feel them as they are and work with that to manifest the relationship that’s aligned with my highest good.

What does my inner fire need?
Ace of Wands.

            An ace starts the suit. It’s the beginning. The singular. The one. The message here is clear: my inner fire needs a jumpstart, a jolt, fuel to set it ablaze again. My inner fire was smothered, extinguished by complacency. It’s true, I am happy where I am at in life–proud even. But I want more, and I need more. I fantasize about the goals I have for myself, but where is the inspiration? The drive? Where is the ignition I need to actually catapult me into getting there?

Ace of Wands answers. It says all of the positive energy I need to create change surrounds me and now is the time to harness it. There is a certain enthusiasm that comes with the Ace of Wands. Being that it is linked with beginnings, it’s almost childlike. Which is often what we need to go after our dreams–a childlike innocence unafraid and uninhibited by our past failures. Ace of Wands is astrologically associated with all the fire signs in the zodiac, who love to say, “What better time than now?” I couldn’t agree more.

What is the overarching theme of my life?
The World.

            Okay, well. Duh. As a person who feels at home on planes and in airports, trapped at the thought of being (physically) grounded for too long, elated at the idea of being thrown into a new place to discover alone and a flight attendant who makes an actual living bouncing from city to city, hotel bed to hotel bed… Of course it’s The World.

The World is the final card in the Major arcana, number 21 (also not for nothing, my FAVORITE number is 21. This card is also astrologically associated with Saturn, which is of course, my most dominant planet. Can you tell this card is perfect for me? ANYWAYS!…). It’s an extremely positive card, flowing with joyful, victorious and successful energies. It denotes traveling, completion, achieving milestones and being recognized publicly for it.

While all of these things are wonderful and I feel grateful for having them as themes relating to my life, there is one meaning that resonates most with me. It’s a card that indicates benefitting from “living more mindfully and from the heart.” Since I started exploring my spirituality more, starting in late 2016, I’ve been on an upward trajectory. Don’t get me wrong; some really horrible things have happened since. I’ve been set back many times. I’ve been betrayed, hurt, abandoned and lied to; but my approaches to all of these challenges have evolved completely because I’m evolving.

The World outside of us reflects the World inside of us. Being on a journey of self-discovery keeps me positive, hopeful and always receptive to learning more. With confidence and gratitude, I will happily take on all the World lays out in front of me.

So, what do you need?

 

Photo by: Britt Juravich