Tag: self acceptance

the water bearer

On By blshLeave a comment

I love pouring my heart out into other people.

I just do. I am over the top. I will sing you songs. Write you letters. Buy you books I think you would like. I will carve out time for you in a place that feels like there’s none. I will listen thoughtfully to your troubles, help you carry them to the river as you trust the water to wash them away. I will ask for the words that lay in the deepest, forgotten back corners of your heart. I will ask for you to speak them aloud, and I will tell you mine. I will build a shelter around you so you feel safe to bare it all—shadow and light. When we lock eyes, you will hear the language only souls speak. The love I pour into you will transcend time, and you’ll know when you feel it still 15 lifetimes from now.

Yes. I love pouring my heart out into other people.

For that fact I’ve had to learn the hardest lessons in boundaries, self-worth and codependency. It was so easy filling everyone’s cup, but when it came to my own it stayed empty. I starved myself of love in the pursuit of love. The road back to myself, to my center, with not just a cup overflowing but a fountain, has been long and arduous. But I cannot doubt that I am here, swimming in a self-love and inner knowing affirmed by my ability to handle the outer chaos around me.

To fill my cup I had to be honest with myself about many things. Most especially about when I’ve given only in expectation to receive. When offerings came not from genuine love, but manipulation born from wounding and fear. To face myself, my fear, disappointment, grief and shame and sit with it, hold it and release it is my most difficult task and greatest teacher. The healing comes in waves. It’s a practice. It’s a road you walk with no tangible destination, but a feeling. I don’t walk it alone. Anytime I lean on a friend, cry on a shoulder or open up my heart to show a place unhealed, I am met with compassion. There are no words to describe the love I’ve found in my friendships. True friends, soul family, are willing to see you in all ways that you are. They put you on no pedestal. There’s no distorted vision of your being. They just see you, and that’s enough. Whoever came to your mind as I was describing this, please text or call them ASAP. Thank them. Tell them you love them too and see their light.

Back to my point—I do not desire to hold back, and I do not have to. If you are like me, a romantic, a lover, a poet, a wordsmith, a mystic, a dreamer; let your nature roam free. Work with the inner leanings of your soul rather than against. It is possible to pour your love into people and have boundaries. If someone cannot receive your love, you must redirect it back to yourself. Don’t let the rejection of your offering become a challenge to offer more, and don’t let it scare you into stopping your love. Like I said, redirect. Redirect! Redirect it back to yourself, to your family, your friends, your neighbors, your mentors, humanity.

Also pro-tip: pouring yourself doesn’t have to be a rushing waterfall. It can be a slow trickle. Until you learn more about someone. Until you build trust. Until you feel safe. Take your time. This is a lesson I learned recently, thankfully. I’ve always known “Love cannot live where there is no trust” (a quote said by Cupid from one of my favorite Greek myths). Yet there I was time and time again pouring my love into strangers who had built no trust with me. I so often let chemistry and the wonderful intoxication of connection lead me down long winding paths of up and down whirlwind romances that only led me back to myself, worn out and wishing for something more.
Things are different now. They’ve been different. It’s easier to say no. To say take it slow. To say this is what I need. To say this is not enough. It’s peaceful, and I didn’t have to sacrifice who I was. I simply became more of it. More love. More strength. More boundaries. More self-worth. More commitment to a clearer vision of what leading a good life means to me.

This world is changing rapidly with no end in sight. It’s surreal, devastating and dizzying. But please, hold onto who you are at your highest self. Hold on to your values. Hold onto what values you. If you don’t know what or who that is, be curious. Remain open to discovery. But also don’t worry about being centered all the damn time. This is not Zen 101. Nothing about the current state of the world is Zen, okay? I talk about centering a lot, but to center is to be in a moment. The action itself is fleeting, but the feeling is eternally within you and always accessible to you. A moment of reconnection while we traverse the complicated and unpredictable landscape of life that lays before us. Negative emotions come and go. Positive emotions come and go. They are not who you are. Every now and then practice reaching your center however you want to do it. Do you paint? Do you run? Do you write? Do you laugh? Do you hold your child? Do you go for a drive? Do you sing? Do you lay in a field watching the clouds slowly pass by, ignoring the ant crawling on your arm because hey, maybe he’s watching them too and you don’t mind the company? There are so many ways throughout your day to touch this part of yourself that is full of maitri (loving-kindness for oneself). The moment before or after it maybe you were crying, screaming, checked out, sulking, grieving. Whatever it was, all are okay. Truth is, you can center yourself and the absurd fact remains that although you have an entire universe inside your head, you’re simultaneously one of many little beings hurtling through space and time at inconceivable speed. So, for the time you’re here, as challenging or delightful it may be, who do you want to be?

Because I already told you about me. I love pouring my heart out into other people, and I’m learning to be more myself in a way that’s healthy. I love holding space for healing. I love seeing all of who people are, even in the darkest and deepest of ways. I love remembering the little things no one notices. I love my solitude and losing myself in my senses. I love green and being surrounded by it. I love new ideas and the buzz of brainstorming the limitless. I love storytelling. I love philosophizing over coffee. I love eating cake with my best friend at two in the afternoon just because we feel like it. I love walking in the rain. I love being vulnerable. I love so, so many things and people on this weird little planet. Finally, I love owning exactly who I am and stepping into the power I have to change my life, in both the smallest and largest of ways.

So, yeah. That’s who I am and going to be. No matter what happens.

attention

On By blshLeave a comment

Today I finished the mandatory training we retake every 18 months. We’re tested on knowledge that keeps us qualified to do our jobs safely & proficiently. We’re reunited with people we started the job with. We’re reminded of the unknowing that came with our initial training, and what those nervous first days felt like before we were completely immersed in this lifestyle. Whenever I come back here, I plunge into a state of reflection and contemplation.

Has it really been 4 years?
Am I still happy with this job?
Am I still heading in a direction aligned with my highest good?

Yes, yes, and yes.

I’m sure my contemplative state also has something to do with the beautiful views of the mountains that surround Salt Lake City. (Perfect for gazing at while tapping into the innermost parts of your soul, even in a place as frenzied as an airport.) So, I asked myself a big question—Am I comfortable with myself completely on my own?

Yes. Finally. Because in that moment I realized that sure, I’ve been on my own for 3 years, but I haven’t been independent of partnership. For 3 years I have consistently partnered myself with other people—including 3 days after a break up in 2016. (Big mistake, I do not advise that. However, if you’re looking to be triggered into healing it’s a wild, albeit painful, catapult into getting there. Kind of like the Rainbow Road of healing and shadow work. Still don’t advise it though.)

OFF TOPIC—Point is, I partnered myself to the idea of them, whether they could show up or not.

I chose:

The emotionally unavailable
Those at a physical distance (usually out of state)
People who only had sexual/physical interest in me
People who continuously showed me exactly who they were (which was Not For Me) while I ignored it

I’ve experienced more than a handful of these scenarios over the past 3 years. All with their various lessons to teach, and while I wasn’t always glad to be on the receiving end, I was always grateful. So when I say to myself now, “Hmm, I’m actually very happy on my own. I’m not sure a relationship is a high priority currently.”

My ego says, “But you’ve been single for 3 years!”

But my higher self says, “You most certainly have not. You have committed to all of those people in your past, either once or on and off again, by your choice and yours alone. You used their resistance as a form of escaping facing the resistance YOU had to looking deep within yourself and do the REAL work, the TRUE healing. You have not been single at all. You have been committed to everyone else but you.”

So in all honesty, this phase feels new. A truer freedom. A more honest independence. It is a vast, lush garden in which I discover more of myself. Where I see clearly which parts need more nourishment, more Sun, more pruning, more love. As poet Mary Oliver says, “Attention is the beginning of devotion.” And so much of my attention has been on You, You, You, You and You.

No one is my escape, because I don’t need to. I don’t want to. I have no desire to not be exactly where I am. I am HERE, and while I feel I’ve dove in and out of this energy for the past two years, it wasn’t ever as stable as it is now. The grounding it’s taken me to move into this has been deep and relentless. I am doing the work, ugly and beautiful. I see myself, ugly and beautiful. I accept myself, ugly and beautiful. I am my own sanctuary, and on this Holy ground I meet myself fully and compassionately in shadow and light.

Now, my devotion is centered on evolving all parts of self in renewing connection with my higher one. My devotion is centered on creating a space to become a grander Us, as humans existing intricately and miraculously together. My devotion is centered on discovering what part I wish to play. It is perplexing and unpredictable but most of all, it is fun! And that’s how I know it’s different this time.

I can still see the mountains. I am thousands of feet above them, these sleeping giants. The sun is setting, leaving the peaks ablaze in its wake. Yeah, it’s different this time. I am paying attention.

two sides, same coin

On By blsh2 Comments

For when I’ve been the heartbroken…

I accept your rejection. It is a blow to my ego I can more than withstand. I accept your rejection, and I wrap the wounds with gauze stitched from years of learning self-love. I accept your unwillingness, your inability, your reluctance because sometimes things just don’t “work.” This is one of the most frustrating yet incredible miracles of the human heart. (Because when it does work, it’s magic.) 

I accept your closed heart, because I know what it’s like to not be able receive what I cannot give. I accept your lust, your desire, your drive to consume me but not keep me, not SEE me. The hunger that leads you to this bed will never be satiated by flesh alone. It is deeper, wilder and more transcendent than that.

I accept you will find the love that fits you just right in another’s heart. I accept that this is no reflection of my own ability to love or be loved. I accept that I will also find the love I’m building within reflected back at me in someone else. My Person. A miracle. A human, flawed and free, probably somewhere right now laughing deeply, grinning wildly, running their hands through their hair, completely unaware of the wonder that awaits them. I accept this, even though I had wanted that Person to be you—I accept that it is not. 

For when I’ve been the heartbreaker…

I accept that you are angry, and there is no amount of poetic words I could string together to salve this hurt. I accept that you have loved me—do love me—and I have you, but I cannot stay. I accept that you may say things or do things that are reflections of your pain, and I will take responsibility for the part I’ve played in it. But I must hold this boundary, and you must let me go. I accept that I have no control over how you react or how you heal, I can only let you know I support you (and I know, even that stings).

I accept there is no simple, non-messy way to leave someone and also stay to ease the wounding. I accept I must put a distance in a sacred place where I once only wanted closeness. I accept the strange intimacy that comes with sitting in silence with you, after the tears and before I go.

I accept our friendship may never recover. I accept that time heals all wounds, but does not always deem healthy that we stay in each other’s presence. I accept that life is cyclical, and this cycle may close for this lifetime. I accept that I was happy. This was good. I was in love. I also accept that I am not anymore. But I will be again, and so will you.

This is the grieving, the unbecoming, the healing and the loving into something new. A threshold I cannot cross until I accept, all of it, in it’s heavy and holy totality.

I accept.

I accept.

I accept.

Thank you.

nouveau départ

On By blsh2 Comments

Two fraternal scars decorate my inner ankles now. The left cut went deeper than the other—born at the same time but different. Both there all the same. I never wear those boots, but I wore them that day. As we walked around the lake you asked me if they were comfortable. A light question in a heavy conversation. Between our words the silences lingered markedly. With anyone else I would’ve said it was uncomfortable, but with us the silence is never necessarily unwanted. I’ll admit, my cards were held so close to my chest I wondered if the Queen of Diamonds would imprint onto my heart. Would that make me stronger? In truth, my only real longing was to reveal my hand—in blind faith, in devotion, in one last hope you’d reach out for it.

The material of the boots dug into me. Our feet trekked along the paved path, but where were we really?

I stared straight ahead.

I could barely look at you the entire day.

Did you notice that?

I sighed.

It was beautiful, all of it.

The lake, the birds, the people, the trees.

The way you and I were strewn out in pieces like it mattered; as if we had any chance of making this better, as if there had ever been anything to make better.

We always speak in so many words. I blame our Mercurial moons. There had never been anything to say. From the moment we met, what existed (what exists) between us was never meant to be talked about, it was meant to be felt. To be known.

And now, all we needed to do was hold each other, and then let go.

Hold, and let go.

Hold, and let go.

I wanted to stop walking, it hurt.

I wanted to stop talking, it hurt. I didn’t know it but this wound was still being made. We were picking at scabs that hadn’t even formed yet. So, you asked about my boots and I replied they were fine.

“Comfortable enough.”

All the while I was bleeding, the entire way through.

~~~

Present day

The nonfiction piece above is so different to look back on now. It is an echo of someone who was on the brink of a huge upheaval. This past me wanted so badly to focus all her attention on those around her because then she could avoid what was really happening. There was so much I was still learning, still healing, still struggling to accept. I didn’t want to see how hurt I was. How hurt I had felt my whole life and continued to let myself feel. The pain I felt had a root so much deeper than my present situation. That situation, like so many before it, was a sad symptom of many larger issues I needed to admit. Issues of self worth, self-respect, boundaries. Most of all my issues of expressing my needs/desires/truth and knowing when to leave when they didn’t align with certain people. While I had been diving into this work prior, all of 2019 forced me to realize how much deeper into myself I needed to go.

I needed to see all for what it was, and decide where I would go from there. I needed to realize control isn’t a part of the equation, but acceptance is most certainly the answer. I needed to stop surrendering my personal power and with it responsibility for myself. It had become natural for me to hand my power over to circumstance when what I really needed was to embody it, believe in it, embrace it, celebrate it.

This power. My power.

Power of perspective. Power of choice. Power of forgiveness. Power of acceptance. Power of humility. Power of radical honesty. Power of unconditional love.

Now, I can say I know I am doing my best. I am weaving a life full of equal parts messy and joyful moments. It is both a dream and a sobering reality. I am standing here, in my power, still with two fraternal scars but they have faded, and I am grateful. I am right where I am supposed to be. All of my glorious failures as well as my successes have contributed to this. I am ecstatic to be Here. I am so in love with all of it—the hurt, the ecstasy, the epiphanies, the quiet, the growing pains, the fluidity, the irony, the belonging, the questioning, the inner knowing, the solitude, the confusion, the release, and most of all—the roaring, unending wilderness of possibility.

I’ve held on tightly for all of my life to so many people, places and things. I was desperately reaching. I was trying to get a handle on something not one thing outside of myself could give. I didn’t understand, but I do now. The peace I long for is with me. I experience it in moments. I let the healing wash over and accept the work may never be completely done. But moving in this direction feels right, and I like that.

Hold, and let go.

Hold all in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Let all go in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Whatever stays is none of my business, but where I choose to stay is ALL of my business.

And I choose to follow my heart, to be led by my Soul, to trust in the Grander scheme. I must accept the risk that comes with such a choice, and I do, humbly. Don’t get me wrong—I’m far from alone in this. I am surrounded by miraculously supportive, loving beings. And while I know this is my path regardless, that fact makes this choice much easier. So thank you. You all know who you are, Family and Friends. I am lucky to be loved by you and to love you. I do not take you for granted for a second.

So here goes.

To something different. To living in authenticity. To discovering a higher Truth. To pursuing my Personal Legend. To allowing my heart to want what it wants and listening to it—wholly & presently—so I may embrace the untamed, magical life I am creating. To letting go, so I can more fully receive.

And So it is.

wisdom from the lioness

On By blsh1 Comment

I don’t want to be you.

Even though you are a miracle.

You are kind, intelligent, humble, magnetic and beautiful. You are unique and mysterious. You are radiant and loving, you draw magic toward you like a bumblebee to the most technicolor flower. And still, I do not want to be you.

You are admired, revered and respected. You are warm and inviting. The people closest to you trust you with their lives and your’s with them. You touch the lives of strangers in the smallest, simplest moments that you’ll never remember but they could never forget. Your life is filled with both shadow and light, and you gracefully balance the two, learning to walk in each. You heal. You inspire. You create. You love fully, and you are loved in return. And I repeat, I do not want to be you.

There is a time I would’ve wanted that. I would’ve wondered how I could be just like you. I would’ve wondered what my soul was missing. I would’ve looked for it in everyone surrounding me, and come up short. I would’ve berated myself for not being all you are.

There is a time where I would’ve given anything to be someone else—to be you. But that was before.

Before I woke up. Before I experienced unconditional love for the first time. Before I knew what it felt like to have an ‘enemy’ become a loving, supportive friend. Before I found myself on the path to meeting who I truly am.

Dear One, I do not wish to be you because I am all of those things already myself. I wish to uplift you, to celebrate you, to support you. I love you as I love myself. Look at us—we are magnificent.

“Confidence isn’t thinking you are better than anyone else, it’s realizing that you have no reason to compare yourself to anyone else.” — Maryam Hasnaa

Welcome to Leo season. The season of Self. The season of basking in the spotlight. The season of leading with your Heart. The season of using your glow to light up the worlds of others. It’s time to be proud, to go forward, to play with possibility and pounce on the opportunities that appear before us. I am bubbling with the joy of it all.

Do you feel it? Are you with me? Let us visit each other’s Kingdoms, arms overflowing with gifts to give and the trust & humility to receive. What a beautiful day for you to be you, and me to be me.

spring forward.

On By blshLeave a comment

“There is the solitude of suffering, when you go through darkness that is lonely, intense, and terrible. Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.”

– John O’Donohue, Anam Cara

This quote embodies the energy of the Mercury Retrograde in Pisces we’re in for the next few weeks. Perhaps what your processing isn’t as intense as others may be, but there’s still something stewing. There’s also still a disconnect there when you go to express your discontent to others and how it’s received. Something’s not quite translating, as to be expected in retrograde, but this one especially. It’s a time to sit with ourselves before taking any big actions. I want to revisit the reading I did on Instagram Live for the Pisces New Moon (which happened March 6th). From the Psychic Tarot for the Heart deck I pulled; Feeling Alone, New Vitality, and Awaiting Results. I pulled one card from the Romance Angels Oracle deck—Healing Family Issues (which just came up in my previous reading for the energies of March 2019. You can find that reading on my IGTV).

Pisces very much rules our inner world, the subconscious, what’s left swimming beneath the surface unsaid. We are in it. It is gloriously uncomfortable. I’m writing this because whoever is reading this, I am making a request—I really want you to sit with yourself. Alone, in silence. I want you to sit with your pain, your discomfort, your confusion, any negative emotion that seems to be following you lately. If you are reading this and thinking, “I am perfectly fine! My life is great. There’s no pain for me to feel” then either you’re the luckiest person on earth, have somehow completely transcended your ego and integrated your shadow, or you’re very blatantly ignoring something that is there. There is almost always something to heal. There is always something to learn. We are being given a time to ourselves to dig deeper into it, so we can heal it BEFORE the trigger and before engaging in the cycle whatever wound this is tends to activate.

Feeling Alone. The first card. It actually correlated with the 5 of Pentacles I pulled for the March 2019 reading in the same position. This is reinforcing our time of solitude and inner work. It might feel daunting and isolating, but those emotions are illusions. They’re barriers to your breakthrough. Any negativity you may feel turning inward most likely stems from fear. You are confronting darker, deeper things within yourself. For me, the loudest message coming through shows itself in the Healing Family Issues card. We need to really reach back into the past, back to childhood, to our oldest & earliest traumas. A trauma isn’t always something outwardly devastating. It can be something as little as a remark said to you by someone who wasn’t coming from a conscious, loving place and it stuck with you. Internalizing such a remark becomes belief in it. As a result we end up living out a false narratives for years, decades even. Now, I’m not saying you need to tackle everything at once. In fact, do not do this. Pick one thing. Pick something you know about yourself or life that’s making you unhappy. Why does it make you unhappy? Where’s the TRUE root of this suffering? (Pisces/Neptune rules illusions, break them down, find the TRUTH) What actions are you engaging in or not engaging in because of it? Do you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle? Like you always end up “back here” (wherever “here” is for you)? Investigating ourselves this way takes patience, self-compassion and lots of love. This is why it helps to imagine and speak with your inner child. Your inner child is an innocent beam of light, happy, unharmed and full of unconditional love toward you. How can you harness that essence again? What would your child-self say to you? What would you say to them? Meditate on this.

I’d like to go back to the quote at the beginning. “Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.” New Vitality was the second card I pulled. It indicates we will bring a bright, refreshing, wonderful renewing energy to ourselves, our lives, our goals and our relationships. But first, we need that solitude (Feeling Alone), because right now with our planet of communication (Mercury) is retrograde and swimming in the murky waters of Pisces. The words coming from many of our loved ones may be said with good intentions, but they might not seem to fully align what we’re currently working through or how we’re trying to work through it. We try to explain ourselves, but it just feels lost on others. Don’t get me wrong, It’s good to lean on your support system. It’s healthy to have that vulnerability and trust. Do it. But also know that right now, what will bring you most comfort and understanding is cultivating that type of support system within yourself. You do not have to seek outside of the self for your healing. Doing so often results in more suffering and a need for outside validation. Welcome love and support, but know your healing is ultimately YOUR responsibility and YOUR process. Own this. Own this and you will begin to feel more capable of healthily processing your emotions. You move out of victim mentality. You begin to embody love. The space you hold for yourself becomes space you can hold for others while they do their own work. Share your process when you feel comfortable. As your support system within yourself becomes stronger, the one outside of you becomes healthier. Your relationship with yourself is a direct reflection of your relationship with others.

Awaiting Results. This will not come quickly. Trust me, I know it’s a tall order. I’m writing this for anyone who needs to hear it, but also myself. I like to think I’m patient, but I also know deep down I like to see results fast. That’s where the self-compassion comes in. You’ve made it this far. You’re Here. Just wait. It’s all so mysterious, wild and disorienting. Embrace it. In addition to the Pisces New Moon and Mercury Retrograde, Mars is in Taurus. Taurus moves slowly and steadily toward their goals. Taurus is not easily deterred. With this sign driving our Action Planet, we have a great opportunity to truly be patient with ourselves and to buckle down get the work done. While the feminine Taurus clashes a bit with masculine Mars, I think the energies combining also serve as a great lesson of balancing our own inner masculine/feminine polarities.

Anyway, I just needed to write this. The message feels aligned with me. I don’t know if anyone else feels it too, but if no one else does it’s okay. You know why? Because I just spent an entire post writing about solitude, and how only we ourselves truly understand our own inner journey. So even if this isn’t what you needed to hear, I hope it inspires you to look inward for what you do.

Okay my loves, I adore you. I’m sending you all the light. Lean into your solitude. Investigate your inner world. Bring forth new, healing energy into your life. Patiently & compassionately support yourself as it all unfolds.

And so it is.

gift.

On By blsh2 Comments

Disposable.

This is a word that summed up how I felt for a little over two years. It seemed continuously I attracted people into my circle who formed intense bonds with me, only to eventually drop me. When it came, it felt as though it happened quickly, swiftly, seemingly without remorse or a second thought. For a long time, I allowed this behavior to bother me. It bothered me because I would make up a narrative in my head about these people—that they didn’t care about me, in fact they never cared, it wasn’t real, they feel/felt no actual emotion for or about me. I chose to internalize the feeling of being expendable, inconsequential, and I let it keep me in the position of a victim.

Victim.

A role where I felt comfortable with my trauma, my anger, my sadness. As long as I was the victim, I could feel bad for myself without questioning my own actions and motives. Thereby stripping away the humanity of the people that hurt me and turning them into caricatures of perpetrators that did me wrong.

I am writing today to say that I know, very well now, that I am far from disposable. I am far from being the victim. I am far from being forgettable or replaceable. Even the thought of it to me now seems laughable.

I believe I’ve written before about the concept of people as mirrors. We attract those in life who have the most to teach us. They are a reflection of something we need to heal within. If we’re lucky enough to awaken, to be open and receptive, we can make the best of even the most awful and dire situations.

I write today to apologize and ask forgiveness. I ask forgiveness from myself for ever believing the hurt I perceived and pain I experienced was somehow deserved. I am sorry for believing someone as beautiful and powerful as myself could be left behind without leaving an incredible impression on those I’ve loved and been true to. But mostly, I am sorry for forcing a false narrative on those who’ve fallen away from me. You too are beautiful and powerful, and you’ve all taught me so much. Be it through your words, your silence, your presence, your absence. You were a Gift to me.

You see, what you think of me is YOUR business. What you do or do not feel for me is YOUR business. What you’ve decided to learn or not learn from me is YOUR business. It is none of my business. It has nothing to do with me, and has no bearing on me or what I feel for any of you. My time on Earth will forever be spent on learning how to authentically exist in and come from a place of love. There are times when my Ego wins & I do feel the negativity, the anger and bitterness—but I refuse to wallow in it. I make the choice to move THROUGH it. I accept it, I feel it, I let it in and let it go. (Mind you, acting from your highest self often feels like an infinite trial and error. It’s a simple concept but not easy. If it was easy, we’d have nothing to discuss.)

I’m writing today to tell you I love you, because everything else is an illusion. The pain, the betrayal, the insecurity, the distrust, the hopelessness, the loneliness—at times, it can feel vast and never-ending. This is untrue. While I wish I could unfold before you the specific path YOU need to take to heal these wounds, process these feelings & traumas on our mutual mission of humanity (to radiate & experience Unconditional Love & only Love), we all have a unique way of getting there. It could be through discovering your own spirituality. It could be through your career. It could be through therapy and professional help. It could be through a different religion. It could be through charity and volunteer work. It could be through meditation. It could be through your art. It could be any combination of things. But, as long as we are striving for this, we are nurturing ourselves, and by way of that, nurturing each other in the best way we know how.

It is Libra season. Libra. The harmonizer, the peacemaker, the conflict resolver. The Venusian sign of partnership & balance. Libra—when evolved—begs you to ask, how do my actions affect those outside of myself? Am I taking responsibility for the effects they’re having on others? Am I doing my best to bring peace to myself and those I love? Where am I imbalanced? Where have I demanded too much? Where have I settled for too little? Coupled with a Venus retrograde in Scorpio this season, take this time to reevaluate and reflect on your relationships. Are you choosing to act from the self you are NOW? Or are you falling back into an old pattern that no longer suits the current you? Naturally, as you change, you will feel aversion to falling into a toxic cycle anyway. But it doesn’t mean we are not susceptible to it. Healing is not a linear process. Be honest with yourself, gentle, but honest. Consciously choose who and what to engage with. Let the rest go in grace.

Know I am here to encourage YOU, whoever you are, that’s taken the time to read this. I don’t care who or what we’ve been to each other in the past. I have made the conscious choice to carry no angst, no resentment. You can make this choice too when you’re ready.

You don’t have to continue to carry the weight of your losses with you. Honor them and choose to be here NOW. Not in your past, not in your future, here. Take a quiet moment today to say, “I am here. I am safe. I am loved. I am supported.” Inhale, exhale. Feel this. Trust this.

And so it is.

dear self

On By blsh1 Comment

Dear Self,

I am sorry.

I am sorry for taking you for granted. The way I’ve underestimated your ability to make miracles happen, your hard work and all you’ve done to get us to a place where we could feel like we’re on the right track. I am sorry for constantly doubting you. For nitpicking shallow little things about you, things that I wished were better out of fear and insecurity. I am sorry for the days I’ve wished I was born into a different body, with a different face and a different smile. I am sorry for holding your weaknesses against you instead of forgiving you. I should’ve been loving you into becoming stronger instead of punishing you for not being enough.

I am sorry for constantly putting you in the arms of people who weren’t even reaching out for you to begin with. And then when they had you, they’d run their hands all over your body, into your chest. They’d touch you, but they’d never really feel you.

I am sorry for knowing better, but not doing better by you.

I am sorry for when I’ve told you to run when you should’ve stayed, and all the times I’ve convinced you to stay when you should’ve left.

I take responsibility for all of it. I take ownership of our pain, just as much as I take ownership of our happiness. I am choosing happiness for us. I am sorry it’s taken so long. I’m here now.

Love always,

B.

this is how it starts.

On By blsh1 Comment

I believe the first step to healing is an oxymoron. The first step is to realize, then accept, that you are not broken. But if you’re not broken, why would you need to heal?

We all carry pain within us, and we all, as unfortunate as it is, dole out this pain to others. I hate to admit this is normal. But would any of you say you disagree with the previous statement? So, good news! You are not broken at all. You are simply living and as a result, you are a product of a wold that thrives off of your fears and anxieties.

But it also thrives off of your love. So what would happen if we decided to confront those fears and anxieties and learn to only feed the world through our love, our positivity, our hope, our gratitude? Easier said than done, I know. That’s why I am here today, advocating small steps. This is how it starts.

I am doing it right now.

Despite having been a writer since the age of five (I authored my first book in kindergarten titled, “Cookies! Cookies! Cookies!” with illustrations drawn by my lovely mother.), and earning a bachelors degree in the subject, I barely write at all. And if I do, it’s certainly not for the world to see. In fact, for those of you who know me personally, I’m willing to bet the word “writer” isn’t even one of top 10 descriptors that comes to mind when asked to characterize me. Why?

Because I am a writer, and I am afraid.

To write is to let you in–to let you all in. To write is to put myself out there in the most rawest, real way I know how to. If I have ever loved you in any way then know I have probably written you a letter, that I probably never sent. To write opens me up to your judgment, your criticism, your entertainment.

But it also connects me to you, to your feedback, to your questions, to your encouragement. And most importantly, writing connects me to my healing, which has been a huge subject in my life for the past four months specifically.

I’ve been ruled by what others thought of me my entire life. While much of that has been combatted through self-love and increased self-esteem, it’s still a fight. I’m still very much ruled by this obsession to be well-liked. To the point where when I was being treated cruelly or unfairly, I stayed quiet. Anger and conflict were things I could not see as being productive or healing. But through anger, I’ve learned more about myself than ever, and very seldom does anger have anything to do with the person we’re actually directing it at. It’s a collection, a mosaic of emotions stemming from so many experiences in life that have left us wounded and wandering, wondering who’s going to bandage us up, and feeling hurt and betrayed when we find out that a person cannot (no one can) do this healing for us. With refusal to heal comes refusal to release. Refusal to release keeps us all in the same destructive patterns, feeding our anxiety, fear and pain.

I am writing today to tell you to release it.

I release the fear that I allowed to follow me whenever I claimed to be a writer. I release the anxiety that accompanies my thoughts concerning what others think of me. I release the resistance I’ve carried my whole life towards feeling anger. Anger is one step closer to forgiving; if not them then at least, but also at most, yourself.

I cannot tell you for sure what this blog will be about. Some subjects will likely be travel, poetry, tarot, astrology, and love. I am an expert in none but passionate about all.

It will not always be pretty, but it will be here if you’d like to read it. All I know is I have to write it.