Tag: philosophy

aujord’hui

On By blshLeave a comment

With my feet in the sand I feel grounded, centered and here. The consciousness of the moment prompts me to ruminate on how many days pass us by on autopilot. How often do we cross paths with others experiencing this day, the same day that feels as mundane and simple as so many others, but it’s a day they will never forget? Whenever I’m in a moment where I am disconnected—somewhere in the past or in the future, both equal parts far away, both places that either I can not change or I have no control over, I look around me. Other people are anchors. All of these faces around me, living, being, and I have no idea how special or how inconsequential this current day is to them. Is it just Friday? Or is it the day on the beach they built a sand castle with Dad? Their first time on a jet ski? The first time they saw the ocean? The last? The day they spent from sun up to sun down on their jellyfish boogey board, reveling in saltwater and sweet summer air?

This moment could be a place that holds them eternally. My ordinary day is also a place that houses someone’s memory that is so special it will carry them through a future time that feels impossible.

Right now I can see a father holding his daughter. She is sound asleep amongst the sounds of the beach that are vibrant, cyclical and alive. The shrieks of joy in the lapping waves and the laughter amongst friends are merely background noise. All she knows is her father’s heartbeat, and that she is safe and loved in his arms. It is always these moments we miss. But I don’t want to. I want to to take the time to see them, even just a little clearer when I can. I want to witness your “one wild and precious life” (Mary Oliver). You deserve to be seen. We all do.

And suddenly my day, in the sea of all these faces of strangers whose stories I do not know and I will not know; I feel held too. I feel not so far from the things that I want, love, dream of and wish for. I feel not so far from all of the smaller memories who make me who I am.

I feel human and okay.

When I think about the ways this regular day to me is unforgettable to someone else—it feels good. It just does. And I don’t know what it means to be human, and we can philosophize on that until the end of time, but what I do know is how I feel when I look at anyone and wish for them to feel joy and hope, and that feels pretty close to what we’re supposed to strive for. I want you to be free, to shine, to smile. Let this day and all the days that you can, be worth it.

the water bearer

On By blshLeave a comment

I love pouring my heart out into other people.

I just do. I am over the top. I will sing you songs. Write you letters. Buy you books I think you would like. I will carve out time for you in a place that feels like there’s none. I will listen thoughtfully to your troubles, help you carry them to the river as you trust the water to wash them away. I will ask for the words that lay in the deepest, forgotten back corners of your heart. I will ask for you to speak them aloud, and I will tell you mine. I will build a shelter around you so you feel safe to bare it all—shadow and light. When we lock eyes, you will hear the language only souls speak. The love I pour into you will transcend time, and you’ll know when you feel it still 15 lifetimes from now.

Yes. I love pouring my heart out into other people.

For that fact I’ve had to learn the hardest lessons in boundaries, self-worth and codependency. It was so easy filling everyone’s cup, but when it came to my own it stayed empty. I starved myself of love in the pursuit of love. The road back to myself, to my center, with not just a cup overflowing but a fountain, has been long and arduous. But I cannot doubt that I am here, swimming in a self-love and inner knowing affirmed by my ability to handle the outer chaos around me.

To fill my cup I had to be honest with myself about many things. Most especially about when I’ve given only in expectation to receive. When offerings came not from genuine love, but manipulation born from wounding and fear. To face myself, my fear, disappointment, grief and shame and sit with it, hold it and release it is my most difficult task and greatest teacher. The healing comes in waves. It’s a practice. It’s a road you walk with no tangible destination, but a feeling. I don’t walk it alone. Anytime I lean on a friend, cry on a shoulder or open up my heart to show a place unhealed, I am met with compassion. There are no words to describe the love I’ve found in my friendships. True friends, soul family, are willing to see you in all ways that you are. They put you on no pedestal. There’s no distorted vision of your being. They just see you, and that’s enough. Whoever came to your mind as I was describing this, please text or call them ASAP. Thank them. Tell them you love them too and see their light.

Back to my point—I do not desire to hold back, and I do not have to. If you are like me, a romantic, a lover, a poet, a wordsmith, a mystic, a dreamer; let your nature roam free. Work with the inner leanings of your soul rather than against. It is possible to pour your love into people and have boundaries. If someone cannot receive your love, you must redirect it back to yourself. Don’t let the rejection of your offering become a challenge to offer more, and don’t let it scare you into stopping your love. Like I said, redirect. Redirect! Redirect it back to yourself, to your family, your friends, your neighbors, your mentors, humanity.

Also pro-tip: pouring yourself doesn’t have to be a rushing waterfall. It can be a slow trickle. Until you learn more about someone. Until you build trust. Until you feel safe. Take your time. This is a lesson I learned recently, thankfully. I’ve always known “Love cannot live where there is no trust” (a quote said by Cupid from one of my favorite Greek myths). Yet there I was time and time again pouring my love into strangers who had built no trust with me. I so often let chemistry and the wonderful intoxication of connection lead me down long winding paths of up and down whirlwind romances that only led me back to myself, worn out and wishing for something more.
Things are different now. They’ve been different. It’s easier to say no. To say take it slow. To say this is what I need. To say this is not enough. It’s peaceful, and I didn’t have to sacrifice who I was. I simply became more of it. More love. More strength. More boundaries. More self-worth. More commitment to a clearer vision of what leading a good life means to me.

This world is changing rapidly with no end in sight. It’s surreal, devastating and dizzying. But please, hold onto who you are at your highest self. Hold on to your values. Hold onto what values you. If you don’t know what or who that is, be curious. Remain open to discovery. But also don’t worry about being centered all the damn time. This is not Zen 101. Nothing about the current state of the world is Zen, okay? I talk about centering a lot, but to center is to be in a moment. The action itself is fleeting, but the feeling is eternally within you and always accessible to you. A moment of reconnection while we traverse the complicated and unpredictable landscape of life that lays before us. Negative emotions come and go. Positive emotions come and go. They are not who you are. Every now and then practice reaching your center however you want to do it. Do you paint? Do you run? Do you write? Do you laugh? Do you hold your child? Do you go for a drive? Do you sing? Do you lay in a field watching the clouds slowly pass by, ignoring the ant crawling on your arm because hey, maybe he’s watching them too and you don’t mind the company? There are so many ways throughout your day to touch this part of yourself that is full of maitri (loving-kindness for oneself). The moment before or after it maybe you were crying, screaming, checked out, sulking, grieving. Whatever it was, all are okay. Truth is, you can center yourself and the absurd fact remains that although you have an entire universe inside your head, you’re simultaneously one of many little beings hurtling through space and time at inconceivable speed. So, for the time you’re here, as challenging or delightful it may be, who do you want to be?

Because I already told you about me. I love pouring my heart out into other people, and I’m learning to be more myself in a way that’s healthy. I love holding space for healing. I love seeing all of who people are, even in the darkest and deepest of ways. I love remembering the little things no one notices. I love my solitude and losing myself in my senses. I love green and being surrounded by it. I love new ideas and the buzz of brainstorming the limitless. I love storytelling. I love philosophizing over coffee. I love eating cake with my best friend at two in the afternoon just because we feel like it. I love walking in the rain. I love being vulnerable. I love so, so many things and people on this weird little planet. Finally, I love owning exactly who I am and stepping into the power I have to change my life, in both the smallest and largest of ways.

So, yeah. That’s who I am and going to be. No matter what happens.

from nothing to everything.

On By blshLeave a comment

“This oracle comes with guidance for you. You are being asked to let go to receive, to become empty to be filled… It is the divine paradox that when we are asked to surrender a story or a fantasy, it is because reality is knocking at our door, more often than not, with the delivery of what we have been fantasizing about–but in the best way for us. The human experience of this paradox is that you may feel you are giving up hope, that your fantasy is dying. It may be very painful and bring you much grief. But all that is dying is your attachment and opinion about how it must be. This needs to happen so you can stop dreaming and start living it… Do not fear any part of your process; embrace it without expectation, with trust in your heart, that the Divine is simply guiding you from fantasy into fulfillment.”

– Alana Fairchild, Rumi Oracle

From nothing to everything.

Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

Everything.
Everything.
Everything.

When I go to my Rumi Oracle deck, I know I will be given nothing but true and clear guidance. So here I am, surrounded by Christmas lights, a sleeping cat and flickering candles in an apartment that smells of incense and pine, as lightning lights up the sky of a warm southern winter night. I am asking for something–anything–to help me understand this past year. What’s the most important lesson to take away? What should I definitely leave behind? What awaits me? Whenever December hits, I am overtaken by this feeling of overwhelm. It is both exciting and serious. Which I’m sure by no coincidence corresponds with the two Zodiac signs that rule the month–Sagittarius (playful, optimistic, prophetic) and Capricorn (structured, responsible, timely). So I pull this card, From Nothing to Everything. Actually, I don’t pull it at all. It jumps out as soon as I ask my question during shuffle, and I know it is a message that will not be ignored.

This card speaks of the release of a “story” and how our “storytelling” often gets in the way of our ability to receive our blessings and embody who we are meant to be. Our stories are made up of attachments and expectations. They are an amalgamation of how we’ve interpreted our past experiences and others interpretations of us that we’ve accepted as true. Our stories are messy, wonderful, wounded and intricate.

Our stories must be wiped clean.

This energy is already in the collective. The current astrologic aspects (the Saturn Pluto conjunction that culminates in 2020 is one in particular) are all about us finally releasing an old story we’ve been telling ourselves (for years, possibly all of our lives) and choosing a new one. Our new story speaks from our soul and who we are at our core, without the clouded judgment of our ego and outside validation. It is a massive step into personal power that also heals the collective. This is no small task. To choose a new story is to seemingly abandon “who we are” now. This is terrifying, unsettling and also kind of angering. I don’t know about you but I’ve worked pretty hard to become the person I am now. I love the person I am and the last thing I want to do is abandon her. Yet everywhere I turn, it feels as though that is what the Universe is asking of me.

Here’s the thing–it is, and it isn’t. Yes, we are being asked to let go of a narrative we’ve accepted as truth, but it’s only to become MORE of ourselves. This is an uncomfortable paradox of identity. I’ve found some comfort in Jack Kornfield’s words when approaching this process:

“As a Buddhist psychologist, I am aware that sometimes when people hear about the teaching of selflessness, they can become agitated or afraid. This is because focusing on selflessness is not always the right medicine. Speaking of selflessness when a person feels shaky, traumatized and fragile can bring up feelings of disorientation and even terror. At such times, what is needed is safety and a feeling of balance. We can provide this balance through our reassuring presence, through the reminders of compassion and spacious awareness. But even those who are fragile can eventually benefit from the freedom beyond self-image, beyond the illusion of self.”

– Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart

You are more than the stories that you’ve collected to make up your self image.
But in the same breath that you are more, you are also less.
You are as expansive as the outmost reaching edges of the cosmos and as minimal as the atom.
Being here,
being this,
being You.
Which, You are.
How can You Be
but also Be Nothing?

How do we reconcile this paradox? Hell if I know.

Seriously, haha. This is something people have dedicated their lives to discovering and teaching. It is something I am still learning to navigate. I am diving in completely, happily bewildered as a student of this life. This post is not about me teaching You, the reader, anything. I am simply sharing my experience of where I am at, and I am checking in with you. How is it that in our Emptiness, our ability to hold that vast undefined space within us, exists while we remain so connected to who we are? It seems to boil down to a balance, to a practice, and to breath. But it is also a much bigger question I think I will be ruminating on for the remainder of this life. On a lighter note, there are some questions I think we all are a bit more equipped to answer.

What parts of your story feel like they don’t fit anymore?
Are you owning how much you’ve stepped into something new?
I beg you to really think about this. I know many of you have being digging into the deepest parts of yourself. You’ve put in so much work. Are you living a life that does said work justice? Or are you still stuck in an old mode/sense of self?

There is no shame in being stuck. We get stuck because something needs our attention, and we loop continuously until we finally face it. This is where compassion comes in. As your friend, as your partner, as your sister, as your fellow human, I can hold you in loving kindness and safety as you move through into what a new story means for you.

I am very aware of how heady this all sounds. But as the 6th principle of Buddhist psychology says, “Our life has universal and personal nature. Both dimensions must be respected if we are to be happy and free.” A release of an old story is NOT spiritual bypassing. What you DON’T get to do is decide, “Well that’s not who I am anymore,” and suddenly be absolved of all responsibility, suffering and pain. What you DO get to do is decide, “Well that’s not who I am anymore,” own your responsibilities and work through your suffering and pain. Then you can release it from your grasp, opening up your hands to receive something new.

As Jack Kornfield writes, 

“We can’t pretend we are too spiritual for any experience. If we are angry, Ajahn Chah said, we must admit it, look at its causes, know its particulars. If we are sad or frightened or ashamed or needy, this is our human condition, the perfect place to practice. Ajahn Chah insisted we could not find freedom and enlightenment somewhere else, only here and now: ‘It is here in the world of form. Only in form can we develop integrity, patience, generosity, truthfulness, dedication, compassion, the great heart of the Buddha.’
If we fear living the life we’re in, Buddhist psychology insists we explore our resistance. If we’re caught in fear of failure, in past trauma or insecurity, engaging the world can be difficult for us. We need to make conscious whatever keeps us from living fully.”

This is what’s been happening for us over the past decade, and most intensely over this past year. As I lean into the energy of the new year approaching, I feel 2020 refuses to let you enter without surfacing your deepest wounds and admitting what’s been holding you back from embracing Your wildest, truest life. You have to cop to the stories you’ve been telling yourself about yourself, and you have to admit how ridiculous they’ve been at times (be they negative or positive).

From Nothing to Everything.
Stripped down bare; we are all the same.
All nothing, all everything.

It is a paradox both confusing & enlightening. Freeing & terrifying. Your identity is completely made up. It can be ever-evolving and fluid, or you can stay stuck looping around ideas of who you ‘should’ be.

But right now beloved, all this is to say: This is an invitation.
Your invitation.
I am inviting you to flow in the Divine Mystery with a sense of self that is not so rigid.
You are malleable and new.
You are childlike and dancing through varying states of wonder.
You are full of past experiences–joyful and traumatic, mesmerizing and forgettable, simple and complex, and they have all made up your sense of Self. But they also do not have to define who you choose to be now.
In that release you do not lose anything.
You find a more expansive way of being.
You are Nothing
and Everything
and Nothing once again.

So let’s play.

And so it is.

nouveau départ

On By blsh2 Comments

Two fraternal scars decorate my inner ankles now. The left cut went deeper than the other—born at the same time but different. Both there all the same. I never wear those boots, but I wore them that day. As we walked around the lake you asked me if they were comfortable. A light question in a heavy conversation. Between our words the silences lingered markedly. With anyone else I would’ve said it was uncomfortable, but with us the silence is never necessarily unwanted. I’ll admit, my cards were held so close to my chest I wondered if the Queen of Diamonds would imprint onto my heart. Would that make me stronger? In truth, my only real longing was to reveal my hand—in blind faith, in devotion, in one last hope you’d reach out for it.

The material of the boots dug into me. Our feet trekked along the paved path, but where were we really?

I stared straight ahead.

I could barely look at you the entire day.

Did you notice that?

I sighed.

It was beautiful, all of it.

The lake, the birds, the people, the trees.

The way you and I were strewn out in pieces like it mattered; as if we had any chance of making this better, as if there had ever been anything to make better.

We always speak in so many words. I blame our Mercurial moons. There had never been anything to say. From the moment we met, what existed (what exists) between us was never meant to be talked about, it was meant to be felt. To be known.

And now, all we needed to do was hold each other, and then let go.

Hold, and let go.

Hold, and let go.

I wanted to stop walking, it hurt.

I wanted to stop talking, it hurt. I didn’t know it but this wound was still being made. We were picking at scabs that hadn’t even formed yet. So, you asked about my boots and I replied they were fine.

“Comfortable enough.”

All the while I was bleeding, the entire way through.

~~~

Present day

The nonfiction piece above is so different to look back on now. It is an echo of someone who was on the brink of a huge upheaval. This past me wanted so badly to focus all her attention on those around her because then she could avoid what was really happening. There was so much I was still learning, still healing, still struggling to accept. I didn’t want to see how hurt I was. How hurt I had felt my whole life and continued to let myself feel. The pain I felt had a root so much deeper than my present situation. That situation, like so many before it, was a sad symptom of many larger issues I needed to admit. Issues of self worth, self-respect, boundaries. Most of all my issues of expressing my needs/desires/truth and knowing when to leave when they didn’t align with certain people. While I had been diving into this work prior, all of 2019 forced me to realize how much deeper into myself I needed to go.

I needed to see all for what it was, and decide where I would go from there. I needed to realize control isn’t a part of the equation, but acceptance is most certainly the answer. I needed to stop surrendering my personal power and with it responsibility for myself. It had become natural for me to hand my power over to circumstance when what I really needed was to embody it, believe in it, embrace it, celebrate it.

This power. My power.

Power of perspective. Power of choice. Power of forgiveness. Power of acceptance. Power of humility. Power of radical honesty. Power of unconditional love.

Now, I can say I know I am doing my best. I am weaving a life full of equal parts messy and joyful moments. It is both a dream and a sobering reality. I am standing here, in my power, still with two fraternal scars but they have faded, and I am grateful. I am right where I am supposed to be. All of my glorious failures as well as my successes have contributed to this. I am ecstatic to be Here. I am so in love with all of it—the hurt, the ecstasy, the epiphanies, the quiet, the growing pains, the fluidity, the irony, the belonging, the questioning, the inner knowing, the solitude, the confusion, the release, and most of all—the roaring, unending wilderness of possibility.

I’ve held on tightly for all of my life to so many people, places and things. I was desperately reaching. I was trying to get a handle on something not one thing outside of myself could give. I didn’t understand, but I do now. The peace I long for is with me. I experience it in moments. I let the healing wash over and accept the work may never be completely done. But moving in this direction feels right, and I like that.

Hold, and let go.

Hold all in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Let all go in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Whatever stays is none of my business, but where I choose to stay is ALL of my business.

And I choose to follow my heart, to be led by my Soul, to trust in the Grander scheme. I must accept the risk that comes with such a choice, and I do, humbly. Don’t get me wrong—I’m far from alone in this. I am surrounded by miraculously supportive, loving beings. And while I know this is my path regardless, that fact makes this choice much easier. So thank you. You all know who you are, Family and Friends. I am lucky to be loved by you and to love you. I do not take you for granted for a second.

So here goes.

To something different. To living in authenticity. To discovering a higher Truth. To pursuing my Personal Legend. To allowing my heart to want what it wants and listening to it—wholly & presently—so I may embrace the untamed, magical life I am creating. To letting go, so I can more fully receive.

And So it is.

pretty spots.

On By blshLeave a comment

“Just know that all is good and you are a warrior. I have seen you blossom into a wonderful jaguar queen and you are fully capable of dragging some idiot by the neck up a tree, and they are lucky you choose to just show your pretty spots most of the time.”

I remember exactly how I felt when a friend of mine told me that. It made me feel stronger during a time of unexpected heartbreak. I laughed. But now, more than ever, I know this to be true. As we continue on into Leo season, basking in the light the Sun-ruled sign shines upon us, let us remember not only our own strength but the strength of those around us. Do not mistake someone’s kindness for weakness. It is great and important to harness our Alpha energy at times, to be a leader—it is a gift, and not something all people do well. We are all still learning to lead without selfishness. But who can trust a leader that alienates its Pride? Pride has two meanings here—a pack of lions, but also our own personal pride. Pride has a place. We should be proud of ourselves, for our accomplishments, our work, our growth, our ability to persevere. But what’s any of that worth if we’ve burned so many bridges to get there?

In tarot the Strength card is associated with Leo and the number 8. The card depicts a woman holding (either open or closed) a lion’s jaw. She is in alignment with the animal. She radiates a calmness that comes from within, lacking any fear of taking on the beast. There is almost an understanding between them, a type of respect. This is a respect I encourage you to remember as you come head to head with situations and people fired up by eclipse season & our current retrograde planets. We are in the middle of a massive clean out within us and around us. We are being challenged to look inward and break cycles that are endless loops, leaving us feeling empty and taken advantage of. Remove your focus from releasing a person to releasing the cycle. We have no power or control over other people. We only have control over our actions. By refusing to react or participate in their toxicity, we are able to leave behind what does not serve us in the highest. For if we eliminate a toxic cycle, a toxic relationship cannot survive. Either the relationship will evolve or it will naturally disintegrate. Whichever way it goes, this only brings you closer to alignment and your highest good. Once you are able to break a cycle, you can detach, grow and do your best to ensure you do not recreate it with a different person. Let that karmic lesson be learned and move forward. This takes strength of mind, body and spirit.

But my message to you today is less about releasing and more about nourishing. I encourage you to nourish the relationships around you with the people who make you feel strong. The people who align with your spirit and bring your light from the inside out. The ones who recognize your strength where others only see “pretty spots.” The ones who do not mistake your kindness for weakness, and know your warmth, empathy and willingness to forgive is a form of courage. Tell these people you love them, because releasing such heavy energy, as we have been for the past month or so, is isolating. We forget about our pack; our pride; our support system. Remember, you are loved. Leo rules the heart. Reconnect with yours. Sit outside, eyes closed, in the sun. Envision a loving green light radiating from within and around you (green rules the heart chakra). Send this loving light to the people you care for.

I want to link you to an article I read today which resonated with me. It’s about Lionsgate (August 8th) and for me it was eerie how close the message was to my own meditation on the energy I’ve been feeling at the time. Linked here: http://foreverconscious.com/lionsgate-portal-august-2018

I would love to hear more from anyone about what they’ve been feeling lately/where they’re at. This matters. This is important. Let the energy guide you, transform you and lift you.

11:11

On By blsh2 Comments

Remember as a kid you would catch 11:11 on a clock and make a wish? I used to do it a all the time in school, but couldn’t say I’d caught much of it lately. Just every once in a blue moon I’d glance over at a clock and smile at the 4 repeating numbers. It’s been a different story for the past ten days. For the past ten days, every day I have caught 11:11. On my cell phone, on a wall clock, on my laptop, on my work device–doesn’t matter what it’s on or where I am, I catch it. The first few days I didn’t think anything of it. Just figured it was a happy coincidence. A cute little reminder of what it felt like to be young, to wish and believe it would happen. But what I failed to recognize immediately is that it was less of a coincidence and more of a deliberate sign.

I haven’t posted in two months. I haven’t written in two months. I’ve been dealing with some issues that completely took my attention away from my creativity. That was my first mistake. No matter what happens in life–the weird mishaps, the unexpected turns, the devastating realizations–never let them take you away from your passion. Promise yourself that, because in your passion, in what you love is where you belong. You draw strength from it just by pursuing it and when you have that, you can face any of the strange unanticipated things that happen. I had forgotten that. But I remember now.

In numerology, angel numbers specifically, 1111 has a meaning. I didn’t know the meaning, but when the Universe throws it in your face for almost two weeks, you find out. 1111 means you’re manifesting what you want and you’re manifesting it quickly. The Universe is on your side with bringing your thoughts into actuality. For those of you familiar with tarot, think of The Magician (card number 1). Even if you’re not familiar with tarot, the Magician is a card of action, success & innovation. He can bring things into fruition with his magic, but only when he commits to what he really wants. The Magician encourages us to focus on what ignites our passion and will it into life before our eyes.

So what the hell does any of this have to do with me? Or you, as a matter of fact, because I am writing this for you just as much as I am writing it for myself. 1111 tells us that we are powerful. We are constantly creating our reality. When we have thoughts, be they positive or negative, be they spoken or kept inside, we are putting that energy out there. We are always manifesting, and when we do it that it is critical for us to focus on what we desire, not what we fear. Manifesting from our fears, our insecurities, is what creates our disappointment, our heartache. It brings out those destructive repetitive patterns because we haven’t learned to come from a place of positivity, hope, light.

It sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? It should be easy to come from a positive place when it comes to attracting what we want most in life. So what makes it so difficult?

The belief that we don’t deserve it. I’ve earned, I’ve been given and I have created incredible opportunities in this life so far. Yet at times, now especially, I struggle greatly with believing I deserve good things. I doubt myself. I feel insecure. I feel small. I feel shame. I feel like I’m not enough. I question everyone’s motives. I question myself. I dream of the wildest, most wonderful things. I imagine the most generous, kindest, grandest, enduring of loves. But why would it actually happen for me?

Well, it will happen. Because I am worth it, and you are worth it too. It will happen because we want it to. We will it to. We wish it to, and both consciously & subconsciously we will take the steps to achieve it.

11:11.

I want you to believe you deserve good things. I want you to have the courage to go after them. I want you to know that your desires are calling out to you just as loud as you are calling out to them. And when we both finally get to where we are meant to be (where we deserve to be), we will smile and laugh about how we thought it would never happen.

Here.

On By blsh1 Comment

I once asked a man to tell me something. Anything. It was one of those times where I asked just because I wanted to hear him talk. Mostly because I liked the sound of his voice, but I also knew whatever he said would put my heart in my throat (in the good way). Laying down together, my head nuzzled in his neck, hand on his chest, he spoke softly to me: “While waiting for the elevator to come up here, I read on the map: ‘You are here.’ and I thought, ‘Yeah I am, and I’m happy to be.’”

Instinctively, I felt myself clutch him tighter, as if somehow holding him closer meant I could find that sort of peace and clarity too—the joy of just being here. No worrying in the future or fretting about the past I couldn’t change. I wanted nothing more than to just be right there. Here. Then. Now.

Turns out he said a lot of lovely things, and it still didn’t work out. Artists do that to you. I’m guilty of it too. But every time I see the words, ‘You Are Here’ on a map, I’m reminded of that feeling. The way his presence—being Here—brought me there too. I am reminded of my own breath. I breath in and think, “Yes, I am here and I’m happy to be,” and breathe out with gratitude.

One of my favorite passages on love & intimacy is from “Enchanted Love” by Marianne Williamson. She equates the people who come ready to transform/love us as angels. We have been angels to people and others have been angels to us. Yet even though we pray for our angels to find us, we (more often than not) do not recognize them when they come. Even worse, we reject them. Mostly because it’s painful to finally get everything you’ve been asking for. It never seems to come at the right time or really look how you pictured it. With great love comes great healing and the challenge of facing your wounds. If you’re someone who’s in denial about having places that need healing, how can you be ready for someone who will expose them to you? You’ve spent all of this time cocooning yourself into a place that’s comfortable, even though it’s not where you want to be. It’s not aligned with your highest good or all that you are capable of. Then someone comes along & says if you continue to stay there then you cannot have what you want—real authentic love, rooted in mutual healing and forgiveness. But all of our trust issues and trauma keep us from believing them. It’s the past and the future which hold us down. We don’t trust because of what’s happened to us before. We don’t trust because of what could happen to us down the road. But we could trust if we let go. If we detach and trust being Here, we could break the shackles of our past shame, guilt and pain, and banish the thoughts of future downfalls. Rationally it’s understandable to be cautious, but it comes at the expense of magic—which is exactly what opening yourself up to love is. Give up your need to control it.

“The miracle of love is expressed through other people… They contain, in every touch and sigh, the information you need, the miraculous power to alchemize your weaknesses and turn them into strengths… And you continue to pray for what you’ve already received, and will one day realize that what you let fly by was a miracle intended to heal you. You might even say so but by then it will probably be too late.

Angels do not light for long; they fly away when love denies them. They do not linger in the regions of earthly fear…

Next time she comes—whoever she is—perhaps you will not deny her. Next time she comes, be humble before God. Next time she comes, admit your pain. Next time she comes, come forth yourself. Next time she comes, let go your resistance.

Next time she comes, be brave.”

– Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love

So I am calling on you to recognize your angel. BE someone’s angel. Trust in the timing of people’s comings and goings. Appreciate who they were, who they are and who they will be. Genuine connections exist only to serve us positively. Let yourself be carried away by the poetry of the improbable (because it’s never impossible). Be present and trust the process, because You. Are. Here.

for those who I owe thanks.

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I am thankful for your magic. I am thankful for the way you look at me. The way your fingers feel when they caress my face. I am thankful for your heart. For the way it makes your body glow, beating, living, breathing inside of your rib cage, dying to burst out. When you press your chest up against mine, I am thankful for the way our breath falls into sync. It is primordial. Ancient. Sacred.

I am thankful for you. I am thankful for her. I am thankful for him. I am thankful for the way my mother raised me—to be kind, to be patient, to be wild, to have faith and to be hopeful that everything is working out. Yes, it’s working out. Because sitting right here, right now, what you may be thinking is your heart has such a long way to go. Yeah maybe, maybe.

But maybe it’s all good. Maybe yeah, you’ve still got such a fucking mountain to climb, but so what? Right now, you’re at the base and you have everybody cheering you on. Everybody here is holding a banner with your name on it, saying you’re going to make it the summit. You’re gonna make it to the top.

I am thankful for knowing how to love. For wanting to love, despite all of the times I have stroked the face of love with nothing but compassion and trust, only to have it bite my hand. I am thankful for knowing you. And I mean, knowing you, every inch of you, and the way that knowing you in that way is unique. Unique to any other way than any other person will ever know you, until your bones have gone from this earth.

I am thankful for the revolutionaries. The ones braver, stronger than me. The ones who look at me and lift me up, knowing that I am capable of more and push me to be more. I love you for saying what the world could be and having what it takes to make it happen. You inspire me. I am thankful to be human on this planet we call Earth, and to be surrounded by the entire Universe, to be able to know exactly what that means but also at a loss to understand. To know that it is magic, it is wonder, because magic never died. Magic is all around us. It is the way I feel when I lock eyes with a stranger that somehow I already know, somehow I’ve seen, time, and time again.

So, thank you for being a part of all of this. For being human, for being credible, unique, caring and kind. Thank you for being unforgettable and irreplaceable.

And if nobody’s told you yet today, I love you. I love you. You have changed my life.

it didn’t happen for a reason.

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The belief that everything happens for a reason surrenders your own transformational power. Seeking comfort and reassurance from outside sources is helpful, and often necessary for us as social beings. But to be truly comforted and achieve an inner strength that easily weathers ups and downs, the truth we must recognize is that whatever we learn from a situation we learned it because we actively chose to turn a certain thing into something else entirely.

When I reflect on situations where I felt I was wronged or I perceived as painful, I almost always end all of my thoughts with, “But I’m sure this all happened for a reason, a good reason. In fact, it had to of happened for the best! I had to go through this and come out better for it.”

This belief has always comforted me. That in the vast, ever-expanding, wild Universe, there is this intricate blanket woven by an all-knowing entity, a blanket full of enlightening reasons as to why all things happen, good & bad. We can wrap ourselves up in it when we’re feeling cold and lonely, and trust this was all for our benefit, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

So ranting, as I do, to one of my best friend’s aka Lalie aka light of my life aka soul sister aka an absolute QUEEN, I mentioned how I knew everything that happened had happened for a reason, even if I didn’t understand it yet. But her response surprised me, she said, “I don’t necessarily think everything happens for a reason… It’s a sign of how strong and lovely you are that you take the senseless and make sense of them to become stronger… You are a healer, you take the hurts and transform them.”

And low & behold, my most beloved coping mechanism was shattered, but in its wake she left something I needed so much more: the realization that WE are the ones knitting the intricate blanket of reasons. We create the lesson we need to learn by accessing our own transformational power that’s aligned with our highest good, but we often don’t give ourselves credit for that work. 


You see, no one’s forcing you to be positive about the shitty things that happened to you. No one is forcing you to reconcile & make peace with the shitty things you’ve done to others. You can just as easily never face them and keep at it if you really want to. But every time you do decide to choose positivity, to grow, to forgive, to love—it’s not the Universe enlightening you, it’s you being enlightened to the Universe that has always existed WITHIN you.
We are all healers on some level, even on the most basic biological level. Our bodies will always instinctively try to fix us, to help us survive & keep going. It’s deeply personal to heal, and I’ll admit that one of my biggest problems is I try to force people who don’t want to heal to heal with me. I fixate on people who resist, which always backfires. When they resist I have a habit of picking at their wounds instead of bandaging them up, sealing them with a kiss & sending them on their way.

To break this habit I need to release my obsession with always knowing someone else’s reasons. Their reasons are their own that they’ve chosen, and if they don’t want to share then I don’t need to know. They are knitting their own blanket to keep warm. Just because they do not share it with me doesn’t mean I have to freeze—I have my own. By realizing this, I no longer need to search for reasons outside myself. I no longer crave validation. I step into my power. The alliance of my open heart & highest good transforms things that hurt into things that heal. No one else can do this for you, because no one else knows your heart like you do.

Whatever reason you need, whatever lesson brings you the most peace, it didn’t come because it was fated to. Your peace, your comfort, your closure, your happiness came because you made a choice to have it. You took your pain and loved it into becoming something else entirely. How magical that is and how incredible you are.

this is how it starts.

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I believe the first step to healing is an oxymoron. The first step is to realize, then accept, that you are not broken. But if you’re not broken, why would you need to heal?

We all carry pain within us, and we all, as unfortunate as it is, dole out this pain to others. I hate to admit this is normal. But would any of you say you disagree with the previous statement? So, good news! You are not broken at all. You are simply living and as a result, you are a product of a wold that thrives off of your fears and anxieties.

But it also thrives off of your love. So what would happen if we decided to confront those fears and anxieties and learn to only feed the world through our love, our positivity, our hope, our gratitude? Easier said than done, I know. That’s why I am here today, advocating small steps. This is how it starts.

I am doing it right now.

Despite having been a writer since the age of five (I authored my first book in kindergarten titled, “Cookies! Cookies! Cookies!” with illustrations drawn by my lovely mother.), and earning a bachelors degree in the subject, I barely write at all. And if I do, it’s certainly not for the world to see. In fact, for those of you who know me personally, I’m willing to bet the word “writer” isn’t even one of top 10 descriptors that comes to mind when asked to characterize me. Why?

Because I am a writer, and I am afraid.

To write is to let you in–to let you all in. To write is to put myself out there in the most rawest, real way I know how to. If I have ever loved you in any way then know I have probably written you a letter, that I probably never sent. To write opens me up to your judgment, your criticism, your entertainment.

But it also connects me to you, to your feedback, to your questions, to your encouragement. And most importantly, writing connects me to my healing, which has been a huge subject in my life for the past four months specifically.

I’ve been ruled by what others thought of me my entire life. While much of that has been combatted through self-love and increased self-esteem, it’s still a fight. I’m still very much ruled by this obsession to be well-liked. To the point where when I was being treated cruelly or unfairly, I stayed quiet. Anger and conflict were things I could not see as being productive or healing. But through anger, I’ve learned more about myself than ever, and very seldom does anger have anything to do with the person we’re actually directing it at. It’s a collection, a mosaic of emotions stemming from so many experiences in life that have left us wounded and wandering, wondering who’s going to bandage us up, and feeling hurt and betrayed when we find out that a person cannot (no one can) do this healing for us. With refusal to heal comes refusal to release. Refusal to release keeps us all in the same destructive patterns, feeding our anxiety, fear and pain.

I am writing today to tell you to release it.

I release the fear that I allowed to follow me whenever I claimed to be a writer. I release the anxiety that accompanies my thoughts concerning what others think of me. I release the resistance I’ve carried my whole life towards feeling anger. Anger is one step closer to forgiving; if not them then at least, but also at most, yourself.

I cannot tell you for sure what this blog will be about. Some subjects will likely be travel, poetry, tarot, astrology, and love. I am an expert in none but passionate about all.

It will not always be pretty, but it will be here if you’d like to read it. All I know is I have to write it.