Tag: opinion

from nothing to everything.

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“This oracle comes with guidance for you. You are being asked to let go to receive, to become empty to be filled… It is the divine paradox that when we are asked to surrender a story or a fantasy, it is because reality is knocking at our door, more often than not, with the delivery of what we have been fantasizing about–but in the best way for us. The human experience of this paradox is that you may feel you are giving up hope, that your fantasy is dying. It may be very painful and bring you much grief. But all that is dying is your attachment and opinion about how it must be. This needs to happen so you can stop dreaming and start living it… Do not fear any part of your process; embrace it without expectation, with trust in your heart, that the Divine is simply guiding you from fantasy into fulfillment.”

– Alana Fairchild, Rumi Oracle

From nothing to everything.

Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

Everything.
Everything.
Everything.

When I go to my Rumi Oracle deck, I know I will be given nothing but true and clear guidance. So here I am, surrounded by Christmas lights, a sleeping cat and flickering candles in an apartment that smells of incense and pine, as lightning lights up the sky of a warm southern winter night. I am asking for something–anything–to help me understand this past year. What’s the most important lesson to take away? What should I definitely leave behind? What awaits me? Whenever December hits, I am overtaken by this feeling of overwhelm. It is both exciting and serious. Which I’m sure by no coincidence corresponds with the two Zodiac signs that rule the month–Sagittarius (playful, optimistic, prophetic) and Capricorn (structured, responsible, timely). So I pull this card, From Nothing to Everything. Actually, I don’t pull it at all. It jumps out as soon as I ask my question during shuffle, and I know it is a message that will not be ignored.

This card speaks of the release of a “story” and how our “storytelling” often gets in the way of our ability to receive our blessings and embody who we are meant to be. Our stories are made up of attachments and expectations. They are an amalgamation of how we’ve interpreted our past experiences and others interpretations of us that we’ve accepted as true. Our stories are messy, wonderful, wounded and intricate.

Our stories must be wiped clean.

This energy is already in the collective. The current astrologic aspects (the Saturn Pluto conjunction that culminates in 2020 is one in particular) are all about us finally releasing an old story we’ve been telling ourselves (for years, possibly all of our lives) and choosing a new one. Our new story speaks from our soul and who we are at our core, without the clouded judgment of our ego and outside validation. It is a massive step into personal power that also heals the collective. This is no small task. To choose a new story is to seemingly abandon “who we are” now. This is terrifying, unsettling and also kind of angering. I don’t know about you but I’ve worked pretty hard to become the person I am now. I love the person I am and the last thing I want to do is abandon her. Yet everywhere I turn, it feels as though that is what the Universe is asking of me.

Here’s the thing–it is, and it isn’t. Yes, we are being asked to let go of a narrative we’ve accepted as truth, but it’s only to become MORE of ourselves. This is an uncomfortable paradox of identity. I’ve found some comfort in Jack Kornfield’s words when approaching this process:

“As a Buddhist psychologist, I am aware that sometimes when people hear about the teaching of selflessness, they can become agitated or afraid. This is because focusing on selflessness is not always the right medicine. Speaking of selflessness when a person feels shaky, traumatized and fragile can bring up feelings of disorientation and even terror. At such times, what is needed is safety and a feeling of balance. We can provide this balance through our reassuring presence, through the reminders of compassion and spacious awareness. But even those who are fragile can eventually benefit from the freedom beyond self-image, beyond the illusion of self.”

– Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart

You are more than the stories that you’ve collected to make up your self image.
But in the same breath that you are more, you are also less.
You are as expansive as the outmost reaching edges of the cosmos and as minimal as the atom.
Being here,
being this,
being You.
Which, You are.
How can You Be
but also Be Nothing?

How do we reconcile this paradox? Hell if I know.

Seriously, haha. This is something people have dedicated their lives to discovering and teaching. It is something I am still learning to navigate. I am diving in completely, happily bewildered as a student of this life. This post is not about me teaching You, the reader, anything. I am simply sharing my experience of where I am at, and I am checking in with you. How is it that in our Emptiness, our ability to hold that vast undefined space within us, exists while we remain so connected to who we are? It seems to boil down to a balance, to a practice, and to breath. But it is also a much bigger question I think I will be ruminating on for the remainder of this life. On a lighter note, there are some questions I think we all are a bit more equipped to answer.

What parts of your story feel like they don’t fit anymore?
Are you owning how much you’ve stepped into something new?
I beg you to really think about this. I know many of you have being digging into the deepest parts of yourself. You’ve put in so much work. Are you living a life that does said work justice? Or are you still stuck in an old mode/sense of self?

There is no shame in being stuck. We get stuck because something needs our attention, and we loop continuously until we finally face it. This is where compassion comes in. As your friend, as your partner, as your sister, as your fellow human, I can hold you in loving kindness and safety as you move through into what a new story means for you.

I am very aware of how heady this all sounds. But as the 6th principle of Buddhist psychology says, “Our life has universal and personal nature. Both dimensions must be respected if we are to be happy and free.” A release of an old story is NOT spiritual bypassing. What you DON’T get to do is decide, “Well that’s not who I am anymore,” and suddenly be absolved of all responsibility, suffering and pain. What you DO get to do is decide, “Well that’s not who I am anymore,” own your responsibilities and work through your suffering and pain. Then you can release it from your grasp, opening up your hands to receive something new.

As Jack Kornfield writes, 

“We can’t pretend we are too spiritual for any experience. If we are angry, Ajahn Chah said, we must admit it, look at its causes, know its particulars. If we are sad or frightened or ashamed or needy, this is our human condition, the perfect place to practice. Ajahn Chah insisted we could not find freedom and enlightenment somewhere else, only here and now: ‘It is here in the world of form. Only in form can we develop integrity, patience, generosity, truthfulness, dedication, compassion, the great heart of the Buddha.’
If we fear living the life we’re in, Buddhist psychology insists we explore our resistance. If we’re caught in fear of failure, in past trauma or insecurity, engaging the world can be difficult for us. We need to make conscious whatever keeps us from living fully.”

This is what’s been happening for us over the past decade, and most intensely over this past year. As I lean into the energy of the new year approaching, I feel 2020 refuses to let you enter without surfacing your deepest wounds and admitting what’s been holding you back from embracing Your wildest, truest life. You have to cop to the stories you’ve been telling yourself about yourself, and you have to admit how ridiculous they’ve been at times (be they negative or positive).

From Nothing to Everything.
Stripped down bare; we are all the same.
All nothing, all everything.

It is a paradox both confusing & enlightening. Freeing & terrifying. Your identity is completely made up. It can be ever-evolving and fluid, or you can stay stuck looping around ideas of who you ‘should’ be.

But right now beloved, all this is to say: This is an invitation.
Your invitation.
I am inviting you to flow in the Divine Mystery with a sense of self that is not so rigid.
You are malleable and new.
You are childlike and dancing through varying states of wonder.
You are full of past experiences–joyful and traumatic, mesmerizing and forgettable, simple and complex, and they have all made up your sense of Self. But they also do not have to define who you choose to be now.
In that release you do not lose anything.
You find a more expansive way of being.
You are Nothing
and Everything
and Nothing once again.

So let’s play.

And so it is.

attention

On By blshLeave a comment

Today I finished the mandatory training we retake every 18 months. We’re tested on knowledge that keeps us qualified to do our jobs safely & proficiently. We’re reunited with people we started the job with. We’re reminded of the unknowing that came with our initial training, and what those nervous first days felt like before we were completely immersed in this lifestyle. Whenever I come back here, I plunge into a state of reflection and contemplation.

Has it really been 4 years?
Am I still happy with this job?
Am I still heading in a direction aligned with my highest good?

Yes, yes, and yes.

I’m sure my contemplative state also has something to do with the beautiful views of the mountains that surround Salt Lake City. (Perfect for gazing at while tapping into the innermost parts of your soul, even in a place as frenzied as an airport.) So, I asked myself a big question—Am I comfortable with myself completely on my own?

Yes. Finally. Because in that moment I realized that sure, I’ve been on my own for 3 years, but I haven’t been independent of partnership. For 3 years I have consistently partnered myself with other people—including 3 days after a break up in 2016. (Big mistake, I do not advise that. However, if you’re looking to be triggered into healing it’s a wild, albeit painful, catapult into getting there. Kind of like the Rainbow Road of healing and shadow work. Still don’t advise it though.)

OFF TOPIC—Point is, I partnered myself to the idea of them, whether they could show up or not.

I chose:

The emotionally unavailable
Those at a physical distance (usually out of state)
People who only had sexual/physical interest in me
People who continuously showed me exactly who they were (which was Not For Me) while I ignored it

I’ve experienced more than a handful of these scenarios over the past 3 years. All with their various lessons to teach, and while I wasn’t always glad to be on the receiving end, I was always grateful. So when I say to myself now, “Hmm, I’m actually very happy on my own. I’m not sure a relationship is a high priority currently.”

My ego says, “But you’ve been single for 3 years!”

But my higher self says, “You most certainly have not. You have committed to all of those people in your past, either once or on and off again, by your choice and yours alone. You used their resistance as a form of escaping facing the resistance YOU had to looking deep within yourself and do the REAL work, the TRUE healing. You have not been single at all. You have been committed to everyone else but you.”

So in all honesty, this phase feels new. A truer freedom. A more honest independence. It is a vast, lush garden in which I discover more of myself. Where I see clearly which parts need more nourishment, more Sun, more pruning, more love. As poet Mary Oliver says, “Attention is the beginning of devotion.” And so much of my attention has been on You, You, You, You and You.

No one is my escape, because I don’t need to. I don’t want to. I have no desire to not be exactly where I am. I am HERE, and while I feel I’ve dove in and out of this energy for the past two years, it wasn’t ever as stable as it is now. The grounding it’s taken me to move into this has been deep and relentless. I am doing the work, ugly and beautiful. I see myself, ugly and beautiful. I accept myself, ugly and beautiful. I am my own sanctuary, and on this Holy ground I meet myself fully and compassionately in shadow and light.

Now, my devotion is centered on evolving all parts of self in renewing connection with my higher one. My devotion is centered on creating a space to become a grander Us, as humans existing intricately and miraculously together. My devotion is centered on discovering what part I wish to play. It is perplexing and unpredictable but most of all, it is fun! And that’s how I know it’s different this time.

I can still see the mountains. I am thousands of feet above them, these sleeping giants. The sun is setting, leaving the peaks ablaze in its wake. Yeah, it’s different this time. I am paying attention.

nouveau départ

On By blsh2 Comments

Two fraternal scars decorate my inner ankles now. The left cut went deeper than the other—born at the same time but different. Both there all the same. I never wear those boots, but I wore them that day. As we walked around the lake you asked me if they were comfortable. A light question in a heavy conversation. Between our words the silences lingered markedly. With anyone else I would’ve said it was uncomfortable, but with us the silence is never necessarily unwanted. I’ll admit, my cards were held so close to my chest I wondered if the Queen of Diamonds would imprint onto my heart. Would that make me stronger? In truth, my only real longing was to reveal my hand—in blind faith, in devotion, in one last hope you’d reach out for it.

The material of the boots dug into me. Our feet trekked along the paved path, but where were we really?

I stared straight ahead.

I could barely look at you the entire day.

Did you notice that?

I sighed.

It was beautiful, all of it.

The lake, the birds, the people, the trees.

The way you and I were strewn out in pieces like it mattered; as if we had any chance of making this better, as if there had ever been anything to make better.

We always speak in so many words. I blame our Mercurial moons. There had never been anything to say. From the moment we met, what existed (what exists) between us was never meant to be talked about, it was meant to be felt. To be known.

And now, all we needed to do was hold each other, and then let go.

Hold, and let go.

Hold, and let go.

I wanted to stop walking, it hurt.

I wanted to stop talking, it hurt. I didn’t know it but this wound was still being made. We were picking at scabs that hadn’t even formed yet. So, you asked about my boots and I replied they were fine.

“Comfortable enough.”

All the while I was bleeding, the entire way through.

~~~

Present day

The nonfiction piece above is so different to look back on now. It is an echo of someone who was on the brink of a huge upheaval. This past me wanted so badly to focus all her attention on those around her because then she could avoid what was really happening. There was so much I was still learning, still healing, still struggling to accept. I didn’t want to see how hurt I was. How hurt I had felt my whole life and continued to let myself feel. The pain I felt had a root so much deeper than my present situation. That situation, like so many before it, was a sad symptom of many larger issues I needed to admit. Issues of self worth, self-respect, boundaries. Most of all my issues of expressing my needs/desires/truth and knowing when to leave when they didn’t align with certain people. While I had been diving into this work prior, all of 2019 forced me to realize how much deeper into myself I needed to go.

I needed to see all for what it was, and decide where I would go from there. I needed to realize control isn’t a part of the equation, but acceptance is most certainly the answer. I needed to stop surrendering my personal power and with it responsibility for myself. It had become natural for me to hand my power over to circumstance when what I really needed was to embody it, believe in it, embrace it, celebrate it.

This power. My power.

Power of perspective. Power of choice. Power of forgiveness. Power of acceptance. Power of humility. Power of radical honesty. Power of unconditional love.

Now, I can say I know I am doing my best. I am weaving a life full of equal parts messy and joyful moments. It is both a dream and a sobering reality. I am standing here, in my power, still with two fraternal scars but they have faded, and I am grateful. I am right where I am supposed to be. All of my glorious failures as well as my successes have contributed to this. I am ecstatic to be Here. I am so in love with all of it—the hurt, the ecstasy, the epiphanies, the quiet, the growing pains, the fluidity, the irony, the belonging, the questioning, the inner knowing, the solitude, the confusion, the release, and most of all—the roaring, unending wilderness of possibility.

I’ve held on tightly for all of my life to so many people, places and things. I was desperately reaching. I was trying to get a handle on something not one thing outside of myself could give. I didn’t understand, but I do now. The peace I long for is with me. I experience it in moments. I let the healing wash over and accept the work may never be completely done. But moving in this direction feels right, and I like that.

Hold, and let go.

Hold all in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Let all go in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Whatever stays is none of my business, but where I choose to stay is ALL of my business.

And I choose to follow my heart, to be led by my Soul, to trust in the Grander scheme. I must accept the risk that comes with such a choice, and I do, humbly. Don’t get me wrong—I’m far from alone in this. I am surrounded by miraculously supportive, loving beings. And while I know this is my path regardless, that fact makes this choice much easier. So thank you. You all know who you are, Family and Friends. I am lucky to be loved by you and to love you. I do not take you for granted for a second.

So here goes.

To something different. To living in authenticity. To discovering a higher Truth. To pursuing my Personal Legend. To allowing my heart to want what it wants and listening to it—wholly & presently—so I may embrace the untamed, magical life I am creating. To letting go, so I can more fully receive.

And So it is.

wisdom from the lioness

On By blsh1 Comment

I don’t want to be you.

Even though you are a miracle.

You are kind, intelligent, humble, magnetic and beautiful. You are unique and mysterious. You are radiant and loving, you draw magic toward you like a bumblebee to the most technicolor flower. And still, I do not want to be you.

You are admired, revered and respected. You are warm and inviting. The people closest to you trust you with their lives and your’s with them. You touch the lives of strangers in the smallest, simplest moments that you’ll never remember but they could never forget. Your life is filled with both shadow and light, and you gracefully balance the two, learning to walk in each. You heal. You inspire. You create. You love fully, and you are loved in return. And I repeat, I do not want to be you.

There is a time I would’ve wanted that. I would’ve wondered how I could be just like you. I would’ve wondered what my soul was missing. I would’ve looked for it in everyone surrounding me, and come up short. I would’ve berated myself for not being all you are.

There is a time where I would’ve given anything to be someone else—to be you. But that was before.

Before I woke up. Before I experienced unconditional love for the first time. Before I knew what it felt like to have an ‘enemy’ become a loving, supportive friend. Before I found myself on the path to meeting who I truly am.

Dear One, I do not wish to be you because I am all of those things already myself. I wish to uplift you, to celebrate you, to support you. I love you as I love myself. Look at us—we are magnificent.

“Confidence isn’t thinking you are better than anyone else, it’s realizing that you have no reason to compare yourself to anyone else.” — Maryam Hasnaa

Welcome to Leo season. The season of Self. The season of basking in the spotlight. The season of leading with your Heart. The season of using your glow to light up the worlds of others. It’s time to be proud, to go forward, to play with possibility and pounce on the opportunities that appear before us. I am bubbling with the joy of it all.

Do you feel it? Are you with me? Let us visit each other’s Kingdoms, arms overflowing with gifts to give and the trust & humility to receive. What a beautiful day for you to be you, and me to be me.

gift.

On By blsh2 Comments

Disposable.

This is a word that summed up how I felt for a little over two years. It seemed continuously I attracted people into my circle who formed intense bonds with me, only to eventually drop me. When it came, it felt as though it happened quickly, swiftly, seemingly without remorse or a second thought. For a long time, I allowed this behavior to bother me. It bothered me because I would make up a narrative in my head about these people—that they didn’t care about me, in fact they never cared, it wasn’t real, they feel/felt no actual emotion for or about me. I chose to internalize the feeling of being expendable, inconsequential, and I let it keep me in the position of a victim.

Victim.

A role where I felt comfortable with my trauma, my anger, my sadness. As long as I was the victim, I could feel bad for myself without questioning my own actions and motives. Thereby stripping away the humanity of the people that hurt me and turning them into caricatures of perpetrators that did me wrong.

I am writing today to say that I know, very well now, that I am far from disposable. I am far from being the victim. I am far from being forgettable or replaceable. Even the thought of it to me now seems laughable.

I believe I’ve written before about the concept of people as mirrors. We attract those in life who have the most to teach us. They are a reflection of something we need to heal within. If we’re lucky enough to awaken, to be open and receptive, we can make the best of even the most awful and dire situations.

I write today to apologize and ask forgiveness. I ask forgiveness from myself for ever believing the hurt I perceived and pain I experienced was somehow deserved. I am sorry for believing someone as beautiful and powerful as myself could be left behind without leaving an incredible impression on those I’ve loved and been true to. But mostly, I am sorry for forcing a false narrative on those who’ve fallen away from me. You too are beautiful and powerful, and you’ve all taught me so much. Be it through your words, your silence, your presence, your absence. You were a Gift to me.

You see, what you think of me is YOUR business. What you do or do not feel for me is YOUR business. What you’ve decided to learn or not learn from me is YOUR business. It is none of my business. It has nothing to do with me, and has no bearing on me or what I feel for any of you. My time on Earth will forever be spent on learning how to authentically exist in and come from a place of love. There are times when my Ego wins & I do feel the negativity, the anger and bitterness—but I refuse to wallow in it. I make the choice to move THROUGH it. I accept it, I feel it, I let it in and let it go. (Mind you, acting from your highest self often feels like an infinite trial and error. It’s a simple concept but not easy. If it was easy, we’d have nothing to discuss.)

I’m writing today to tell you I love you, because everything else is an illusion. The pain, the betrayal, the insecurity, the distrust, the hopelessness, the loneliness—at times, it can feel vast and never-ending. This is untrue. While I wish I could unfold before you the specific path YOU need to take to heal these wounds, process these feelings & traumas on our mutual mission of humanity (to radiate & experience Unconditional Love & only Love), we all have a unique way of getting there. It could be through discovering your own spirituality. It could be through your career. It could be through therapy and professional help. It could be through a different religion. It could be through charity and volunteer work. It could be through meditation. It could be through your art. It could be any combination of things. But, as long as we are striving for this, we are nurturing ourselves, and by way of that, nurturing each other in the best way we know how.

It is Libra season. Libra. The harmonizer, the peacemaker, the conflict resolver. The Venusian sign of partnership & balance. Libra—when evolved—begs you to ask, how do my actions affect those outside of myself? Am I taking responsibility for the effects they’re having on others? Am I doing my best to bring peace to myself and those I love? Where am I imbalanced? Where have I demanded too much? Where have I settled for too little? Coupled with a Venus retrograde in Scorpio this season, take this time to reevaluate and reflect on your relationships. Are you choosing to act from the self you are NOW? Or are you falling back into an old pattern that no longer suits the current you? Naturally, as you change, you will feel aversion to falling into a toxic cycle anyway. But it doesn’t mean we are not susceptible to it. Healing is not a linear process. Be honest with yourself, gentle, but honest. Consciously choose who and what to engage with. Let the rest go in grace.

Know I am here to encourage YOU, whoever you are, that’s taken the time to read this. I don’t care who or what we’ve been to each other in the past. I have made the conscious choice to carry no angst, no resentment. You can make this choice too when you’re ready.

You don’t have to continue to carry the weight of your losses with you. Honor them and choose to be here NOW. Not in your past, not in your future, here. Take a quiet moment today to say, “I am here. I am safe. I am loved. I am supported.” Inhale, exhale. Feel this. Trust this.

And so it is.

this is how it starts.

On By blsh1 Comment

I believe the first step to healing is an oxymoron. The first step is to realize, then accept, that you are not broken. But if you’re not broken, why would you need to heal?

We all carry pain within us, and we all, as unfortunate as it is, dole out this pain to others. I hate to admit this is normal. But would any of you say you disagree with the previous statement? So, good news! You are not broken at all. You are simply living and as a result, you are a product of a wold that thrives off of your fears and anxieties.

But it also thrives off of your love. So what would happen if we decided to confront those fears and anxieties and learn to only feed the world through our love, our positivity, our hope, our gratitude? Easier said than done, I know. That’s why I am here today, advocating small steps. This is how it starts.

I am doing it right now.

Despite having been a writer since the age of five (I authored my first book in kindergarten titled, “Cookies! Cookies! Cookies!” with illustrations drawn by my lovely mother.), and earning a bachelors degree in the subject, I barely write at all. And if I do, it’s certainly not for the world to see. In fact, for those of you who know me personally, I’m willing to bet the word “writer” isn’t even one of top 10 descriptors that comes to mind when asked to characterize me. Why?

Because I am a writer, and I am afraid.

To write is to let you in–to let you all in. To write is to put myself out there in the most rawest, real way I know how to. If I have ever loved you in any way then know I have probably written you a letter, that I probably never sent. To write opens me up to your judgment, your criticism, your entertainment.

But it also connects me to you, to your feedback, to your questions, to your encouragement. And most importantly, writing connects me to my healing, which has been a huge subject in my life for the past four months specifically.

I’ve been ruled by what others thought of me my entire life. While much of that has been combatted through self-love and increased self-esteem, it’s still a fight. I’m still very much ruled by this obsession to be well-liked. To the point where when I was being treated cruelly or unfairly, I stayed quiet. Anger and conflict were things I could not see as being productive or healing. But through anger, I’ve learned more about myself than ever, and very seldom does anger have anything to do with the person we’re actually directing it at. It’s a collection, a mosaic of emotions stemming from so many experiences in life that have left us wounded and wandering, wondering who’s going to bandage us up, and feeling hurt and betrayed when we find out that a person cannot (no one can) do this healing for us. With refusal to heal comes refusal to release. Refusal to release keeps us all in the same destructive patterns, feeding our anxiety, fear and pain.

I am writing today to tell you to release it.

I release the fear that I allowed to follow me whenever I claimed to be a writer. I release the anxiety that accompanies my thoughts concerning what others think of me. I release the resistance I’ve carried my whole life towards feeling anger. Anger is one step closer to forgiving; if not them then at least, but also at most, yourself.

I cannot tell you for sure what this blog will be about. Some subjects will likely be travel, poetry, tarot, astrology, and love. I am an expert in none but passionate about all.

It will not always be pretty, but it will be here if you’d like to read it. All I know is I have to write it.