Tag: mystical

from nothing to everything.

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“This oracle comes with guidance for you. You are being asked to let go to receive, to become empty to be filled… It is the divine paradox that when we are asked to surrender a story or a fantasy, it is because reality is knocking at our door, more often than not, with the delivery of what we have been fantasizing about–but in the best way for us. The human experience of this paradox is that you may feel you are giving up hope, that your fantasy is dying. It may be very painful and bring you much grief. But all that is dying is your attachment and opinion about how it must be. This needs to happen so you can stop dreaming and start living it… Do not fear any part of your process; embrace it without expectation, with trust in your heart, that the Divine is simply guiding you from fantasy into fulfillment.”

– Alana Fairchild, Rumi Oracle

From nothing to everything.

Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

Everything.
Everything.
Everything.

When I go to my Rumi Oracle deck, I know I will be given nothing but true and clear guidance. So here I am, surrounded by Christmas lights, a sleeping cat and flickering candles in an apartment that smells of incense and pine, as lightning lights up the sky of a warm southern winter night. I am asking for something–anything–to help me understand this past year. What’s the most important lesson to take away? What should I definitely leave behind? What awaits me? Whenever December hits, I am overtaken by this feeling of overwhelm. It is both exciting and serious. Which I’m sure by no coincidence corresponds with the two Zodiac signs that rule the month–Sagittarius (playful, optimistic, prophetic) and Capricorn (structured, responsible, timely). So I pull this card, From Nothing to Everything. Actually, I don’t pull it at all. It jumps out as soon as I ask my question during shuffle, and I know it is a message that will not be ignored.

This card speaks of the release of a “story” and how our “storytelling” often gets in the way of our ability to receive our blessings and embody who we are meant to be. Our stories are made up of attachments and expectations. They are an amalgamation of how we’ve interpreted our past experiences and others interpretations of us that we’ve accepted as true. Our stories are messy, wonderful, wounded and intricate.

Our stories must be wiped clean.

This energy is already in the collective. The current astrologic aspects (the Saturn Pluto conjunction that culminates in 2020 is one in particular) are all about us finally releasing an old story we’ve been telling ourselves (for years, possibly all of our lives) and choosing a new one. Our new story speaks from our soul and who we are at our core, without the clouded judgment of our ego and outside validation. It is a massive step into personal power that also heals the collective. This is no small task. To choose a new story is to seemingly abandon “who we are” now. This is terrifying, unsettling and also kind of angering. I don’t know about you but I’ve worked pretty hard to become the person I am now. I love the person I am and the last thing I want to do is abandon her. Yet everywhere I turn, it feels as though that is what the Universe is asking of me.

Here’s the thing–it is, and it isn’t. Yes, we are being asked to let go of a narrative we’ve accepted as truth, but it’s only to become MORE of ourselves. This is an uncomfortable paradox of identity. I’ve found some comfort in Jack Kornfield’s words when approaching this process:

“As a Buddhist psychologist, I am aware that sometimes when people hear about the teaching of selflessness, they can become agitated or afraid. This is because focusing on selflessness is not always the right medicine. Speaking of selflessness when a person feels shaky, traumatized and fragile can bring up feelings of disorientation and even terror. At such times, what is needed is safety and a feeling of balance. We can provide this balance through our reassuring presence, through the reminders of compassion and spacious awareness. But even those who are fragile can eventually benefit from the freedom beyond self-image, beyond the illusion of self.”

– Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart

You are more than the stories that you’ve collected to make up your self image.
But in the same breath that you are more, you are also less.
You are as expansive as the outmost reaching edges of the cosmos and as minimal as the atom.
Being here,
being this,
being You.
Which, You are.
How can You Be
but also Be Nothing?

How do we reconcile this paradox? Hell if I know.

Seriously, haha. This is something people have dedicated their lives to discovering and teaching. It is something I am still learning to navigate. I am diving in completely, happily bewildered as a student of this life. This post is not about me teaching You, the reader, anything. I am simply sharing my experience of where I am at, and I am checking in with you. How is it that in our Emptiness, our ability to hold that vast undefined space within us, exists while we remain so connected to who we are? It seems to boil down to a balance, to a practice, and to breath. But it is also a much bigger question I think I will be ruminating on for the remainder of this life. On a lighter note, there are some questions I think we all are a bit more equipped to answer.

What parts of your story feel like they don’t fit anymore?
Are you owning how much you’ve stepped into something new?
I beg you to really think about this. I know many of you have being digging into the deepest parts of yourself. You’ve put in so much work. Are you living a life that does said work justice? Or are you still stuck in an old mode/sense of self?

There is no shame in being stuck. We get stuck because something needs our attention, and we loop continuously until we finally face it. This is where compassion comes in. As your friend, as your partner, as your sister, as your fellow human, I can hold you in loving kindness and safety as you move through into what a new story means for you.

I am very aware of how heady this all sounds. But as the 6th principle of Buddhist psychology says, “Our life has universal and personal nature. Both dimensions must be respected if we are to be happy and free.” A release of an old story is NOT spiritual bypassing. What you DON’T get to do is decide, “Well that’s not who I am anymore,” and suddenly be absolved of all responsibility, suffering and pain. What you DO get to do is decide, “Well that’s not who I am anymore,” own your responsibilities and work through your suffering and pain. Then you can release it from your grasp, opening up your hands to receive something new.

As Jack Kornfield writes, 

“We can’t pretend we are too spiritual for any experience. If we are angry, Ajahn Chah said, we must admit it, look at its causes, know its particulars. If we are sad or frightened or ashamed or needy, this is our human condition, the perfect place to practice. Ajahn Chah insisted we could not find freedom and enlightenment somewhere else, only here and now: ‘It is here in the world of form. Only in form can we develop integrity, patience, generosity, truthfulness, dedication, compassion, the great heart of the Buddha.’
If we fear living the life we’re in, Buddhist psychology insists we explore our resistance. If we’re caught in fear of failure, in past trauma or insecurity, engaging the world can be difficult for us. We need to make conscious whatever keeps us from living fully.”

This is what’s been happening for us over the past decade, and most intensely over this past year. As I lean into the energy of the new year approaching, I feel 2020 refuses to let you enter without surfacing your deepest wounds and admitting what’s been holding you back from embracing Your wildest, truest life. You have to cop to the stories you’ve been telling yourself about yourself, and you have to admit how ridiculous they’ve been at times (be they negative or positive).

From Nothing to Everything.
Stripped down bare; we are all the same.
All nothing, all everything.

It is a paradox both confusing & enlightening. Freeing & terrifying. Your identity is completely made up. It can be ever-evolving and fluid, or you can stay stuck looping around ideas of who you ‘should’ be.

But right now beloved, all this is to say: This is an invitation.
Your invitation.
I am inviting you to flow in the Divine Mystery with a sense of self that is not so rigid.
You are malleable and new.
You are childlike and dancing through varying states of wonder.
You are full of past experiences–joyful and traumatic, mesmerizing and forgettable, simple and complex, and they have all made up your sense of Self. But they also do not have to define who you choose to be now.
In that release you do not lose anything.
You find a more expansive way of being.
You are Nothing
and Everything
and Nothing once again.

So let’s play.

And so it is.

wisdom from the lioness

On By blsh1 Comment

I don’t want to be you.

Even though you are a miracle.

You are kind, intelligent, humble, magnetic and beautiful. You are unique and mysterious. You are radiant and loving, you draw magic toward you like a bumblebee to the most technicolor flower. And still, I do not want to be you.

You are admired, revered and respected. You are warm and inviting. The people closest to you trust you with their lives and your’s with them. You touch the lives of strangers in the smallest, simplest moments that you’ll never remember but they could never forget. Your life is filled with both shadow and light, and you gracefully balance the two, learning to walk in each. You heal. You inspire. You create. You love fully, and you are loved in return. And I repeat, I do not want to be you.

There is a time I would’ve wanted that. I would’ve wondered how I could be just like you. I would’ve wondered what my soul was missing. I would’ve looked for it in everyone surrounding me, and come up short. I would’ve berated myself for not being all you are.

There is a time where I would’ve given anything to be someone else—to be you. But that was before.

Before I woke up. Before I experienced unconditional love for the first time. Before I knew what it felt like to have an ‘enemy’ become a loving, supportive friend. Before I found myself on the path to meeting who I truly am.

Dear One, I do not wish to be you because I am all of those things already myself. I wish to uplift you, to celebrate you, to support you. I love you as I love myself. Look at us—we are magnificent.

“Confidence isn’t thinking you are better than anyone else, it’s realizing that you have no reason to compare yourself to anyone else.” — Maryam Hasnaa

Welcome to Leo season. The season of Self. The season of basking in the spotlight. The season of leading with your Heart. The season of using your glow to light up the worlds of others. It’s time to be proud, to go forward, to play with possibility and pounce on the opportunities that appear before us. I am bubbling with the joy of it all.

Do you feel it? Are you with me? Let us visit each other’s Kingdoms, arms overflowing with gifts to give and the trust & humility to receive. What a beautiful day for you to be you, and me to be me.

fireflies.

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I think my favorite time of day in the summer is the sticky sweet middle of a hot afternoon. It was one of those afternoons when I ordered a Lyft in downtown Nashville. The driver rolled up and said, “No, no don’t sit in the back. Come on up to the front seat.” Usually I’d respond with something like, “Thanks, but I’ll just sit back here,” but his kind eyes beckoned me to take the seat beside him. This man had a story to tell. We all do, but we’re not all storytellers. Some of us keep ours to ourselves, or maybe just share with those we love. Others are called to share theirs with the rest of the world. I think storytellers recognize other storytellers before they ever even open their mouths, before they ever pick up a pen. Sure enough, as soon as I closed the door he began recounting the odyssey of his life. His struggle with drug abuse. The failure of his first marriage. The complete and total loss of himself.

And then, the Revival.

Now, he was a pastor at a local church. Assistant pastor actually—his wife led the congregation. He told me about her journey to hell and back with her abusive first marriage. She’d even written a book. Honestly, I’m not positive why I’m writing this entry. All I know is I think about this encounter often. I think about the peaceful expression that came over him when he told me about meeting his current wife. I think about how I could see the pride practically bursting out of his chest when he told me about her book and her work for their community. The way he smiled and laughed when he described this woman who had awakened his entire heart. I told him I hoped to be as lucky as them both one day. He said, “If you want a good man, pray for him.” Simple advice, but not my style. By this point in 2017, I’d embarked on this current spiritual path, but I was still weary about “praying” and what that meant or looked like to me.

I’ll hand it to him though. There was something about the way he said it. I believed him. Granted, ever since I began “praying” for things I’ve been met with what feels like multiple ego deaths and devastating revelation after revelation. In love, I especially seem to have attracted a string of messy lovers with no shortage of lessons to be taught between us. They appear suddenly and fade out just as quickly. Kind of like fireflies. Sure you could catch them, try to keep them. But that’s not where they belong. It feels so much better to let the experience be what it is. Sitting out in the field enveloped in the glow of dusk, the lights of the fireflies blinking in and out of view, until one lands on your arm. It tickles. It makes you laugh. You’ve been chosen. It’s gone as quickly as it came, but it brings a smile to your face nonetheless.

So yes, I’ve had a lot of fireflies. Each one with a different light to share. Exposing my darkest parts, deepest wounds, awakening me to the medicine I need to successfully integrate those pieces of me. The medicine has come in many forms–boundaries, meditation, unconditional love, compassion, detachment, self-worth, and so much more. Each one of them a step closer to a prayer answered.

To be honest, I’m not sure how invested I am with that specific prayer being answered anymore. The further I walk, the more expansive love becomes. These structures we’ve placed upon it just don’t seem to fit as well anymore for me, or any human I know. It’s not about the external, it’s internal. But that’s the point of the journey right? It starts with self. My love for myself. My willingness to face myself. My willingness to heal myself. My ability to forgive myself. So even still, I pray–for many people and many things–and “I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.” (Thanks for that, Practical Magic). I know it all leads me not closer to meeting another, but to meeting myself. And when I do pray for love, I don’t pray for love to come into my life. I am already surrounded by it. I was born of it and it lives within me. So I pray for my soulmates to come into themselves, to rise into their highest, to have compassion for their lowest, to find their freedom, their mission, their calling, and to sprint toward it. Or walk. Whatever timing their journey calls for. So when we cross paths in this lifetime, we will, as ever-evolving beings.

Anyway, life is good. And frustrating. And surprising. And painful. And inspiring. And confusing. And satisfying. You don’t need me to tell you that. I think my favorite part about this journey is realizing how NOT unique my experience is. I am not separate from you. I feel more full, more myself than I have possibly ever. I have more offerings to give than words. I am planting the seeds mindfully. I’m here for any of you. If you want to talk of alchemy, love, loss, prayer, grief, healing, anything. Or if you just want someone with you in the silence. This is all to say–allow others the gift of illuminating what you cannot see. Trust it. Trust yourself.

And so it is.

earth. air. water. fire.

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What better way to celebrate Halloween than with a Tarot reading!? For those of you who don’t have much knowledge about Tarot, here is a basic description of the deck: Tarot has the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana. The Minor Arcana are split into four suits which are associated with the four elements; pentacles (earth), swords (air), cups (water) and wands (fire). The Major Arcana are probably the cards you’re most familiar with/used to seeing in pop culture when Tarot is mentioned, like The Fool, Death, The Devil, The Lovers, etc. Today I did an exercise where I split the four suits and Major Arcana up. I pulled from each of the individual decks to answer these five questions:

  1. What does my body (pentacles/earth) need?
  2. What does my mind (swords/air) need?
  3. What does my heart (cups/water) need?
  4. What does my inner fire (wands/fire) need?
  5. What is the overarching theme (Major Arcana) of my life?

It was a really fun, enlightening reading. Readings like these are a great way to get to know the deck more because you get one of each suit. I started reading Tarot on my own in January, but I still feel new to it. Each time I do a reading for myself or someone else, the cards reveal themselves to me in a fresh & unique way. This is also an easy spread for anyone who’s a beginner. Below is my own analysis of my reading. However, I’d love to hear any interpretations others may have, or if you try it yourself I’d love to know the results of your own reading (if you’re open to sharing)!

What does my body need?
Six of Pentacles.

            Associated with Moon in Taurus, 6 of Pentacles speaks to our possessions. It can often denote that money is coming. It could be an inheritance, award or a gift. Much like how a person with Moon in Taurus craves security through stable material wealth, a nest egg, the 6 of Pentacles shows something coming that will help you achieve that stability for your future. As Liz Dean writes, it’s a card that “brings genuine support.”

Knowing this & knowing I asked about what my body needs, the message I gather is my body needs to be treated as a gift. For the majority of my life, I was cruel to my body. Over the past few years, especially with the growth of the body positivity movement, I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. That’s not to say I don’t still have issues with my body dysmorphia. But lately, any fitness goals I have for myself come from a place of love. Instead of wanting to be smaller, I want to be stronger. Instead of wanting to be beautiful, I want to have a healthy glow. Instead of wanting someone else’s body, I want to want mine, as it is and for what it will be.

My body’s abilities enable me to live the blessed life I do have. These feet travel the world and my eyes see the wonders of it. My ears hear the laughter of my loved ones, and my mouth tells them how much I love them when they need to hear it most. My body will someday bear a child, and to that child this body will be home, like the arms of my mother are for me. The love I put into my body is the love it will award back to me. What a miracle. I vow to treat these bones & flesh as such.

What does my mind need?
Four of Swords.

            The 4 of Swords calls for rest. To say this year (especially since the eclipse in August) has been challenging would be an understatement. The 4 of Swords knows what you’ve been through, and it asks you to give yourself time to recuperate.

In regards to what my mind needs, the Linestrider Tarot says, “There will be battles in the future but you must take time to mend, sharpen and recover… Create space to think, dream, and heal while taking a break from the thoughts and demands of others.” This card isn’t hard to interpret. Quite literally, I need to quiet my mind, convalesce and give myself some self-care and solitude. All of this will aid me in building a sturdier foundation–a clear mind to make important life decisions approaching me.

Also fun fact: 4 of Swords is astrological association is Jupiter in Libra, which is actually my Jupiter placement! (If you haven’t calculated your birth chart yet, I highly suggest looking into it. Also feel free to contact me to discuss it!)

What does my heart need?
Seven of Cups.

            I am a dreamer, and my heart is prone to illusions and fantasy. With my Venus placement in Sagittarius, the fiery Archer, I shoot first and think later. Nowhere is too far and no one is out of my reach. Grand gestures are my favorite thing to give and receive. Love conquers all and so will we. I go big or go home with my affections, and to be honest… Lately, it hasn’t served me well. As the Linestrider Tarot reads, “The 7 of Cups celebrates the dreamer who is able to see the possibilities and excitement as well as difficulties in the future… What area of your life needs less illusion and more action?” It’s a card about the dangerous of too much fantasy, of grand illusions. Linestrider also warns that this card appears to warn us of a certain blindness we may have toward our own faults and unrealistic expectations.

My heart has had many expectations, and the expectations it has often don’t align with what the people it chooses to pursue are willing to give. What does my heart need? To reflect, to look inward and see the illusions it’s built up around romantic love and around certain people. This doesn’t mean to stop being a dreamer or a romantic. It’s asking me to stop standing in my own way. I can’t appreciate the beauty of reality because I’m so stuck on the delusion of a fantasy. In what ways have I failed myself and others in love? How can I improve myself to attract the love I desire? How can I learn to act from a place of unconditional love and not fear? I need to stop putting people on pedestals they never asked to be on and blaming them when they fall off. I need to see things as they are, feel them as they are and work with that to manifest the relationship that’s aligned with my highest good.

What does my inner fire need?
Ace of Wands.

            An ace starts the suit. It’s the beginning. The singular. The one. The message here is clear: my inner fire needs a jumpstart, a jolt, fuel to set it ablaze again. My inner fire was smothered, extinguished by complacency. It’s true, I am happy where I am at in life–proud even. But I want more, and I need more. I fantasize about the goals I have for myself, but where is the inspiration? The drive? Where is the ignition I need to actually catapult me into getting there?

Ace of Wands answers. It says all of the positive energy I need to create change surrounds me and now is the time to harness it. There is a certain enthusiasm that comes with the Ace of Wands. Being that it is linked with beginnings, it’s almost childlike. Which is often what we need to go after our dreams–a childlike innocence unafraid and uninhibited by our past failures. Ace of Wands is astrologically associated with all the fire signs in the zodiac, who love to say, “What better time than now?” I couldn’t agree more.

What is the overarching theme of my life?
The World.

            Okay, well. Duh. As a person who feels at home on planes and in airports, trapped at the thought of being (physically) grounded for too long, elated at the idea of being thrown into a new place to discover alone and a flight attendant who makes an actual living bouncing from city to city, hotel bed to hotel bed… Of course it’s The World.

The World is the final card in the Major arcana, number 21 (also not for nothing, my FAVORITE number is 21. This card is also astrologically associated with Saturn, which is of course, my most dominant planet. Can you tell this card is perfect for me? ANYWAYS!…). It’s an extremely positive card, flowing with joyful, victorious and successful energies. It denotes traveling, completion, achieving milestones and being recognized publicly for it.

While all of these things are wonderful and I feel grateful for having them as themes relating to my life, there is one meaning that resonates most with me. It’s a card that indicates benefitting from “living more mindfully and from the heart.” Since I started exploring my spirituality more, starting in late 2016, I’ve been on an upward trajectory. Don’t get me wrong; some really horrible things have happened since. I’ve been set back many times. I’ve been betrayed, hurt, abandoned and lied to; but my approaches to all of these challenges have evolved completely because I’m evolving.

The World outside of us reflects the World inside of us. Being on a journey of self-discovery keeps me positive, hopeful and always receptive to learning more. With confidence and gratitude, I will happily take on all the World lays out in front of me.

So, what do you need?

 

Photo by: Britt Juravich