spring forward.

“There is the solitude of suffering, when you go through darkness that is lonely, intense, and terrible. Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.”

– John O’Donohue, Anam Cara

This quote embodies the energy of the Mercury Retrograde in Pisces we’re in for the next few weeks. Perhaps what your processing isn’t as intense as others may be, but there’s still something stewing. There’s also still a disconnect there when you go to express your discontent to others and how it’s received. Something’s not quite translating, as to be expected in retrograde, but this one especially. It’s a time to sit with ourselves before taking any big actions. I want to revisit the reading I did on Instagram Live for the Pisces New Moon (which happened March 6th). From the Psychic Tarot for the Heart deck I pulled; Feeling Alone, New Vitality, and Awaiting Results. I pulled one card from the Romance Angels Oracle deck—Healing Family Issues (which just came up in my previous reading for the energies of March 2019. You can find that reading on my IGTV).

Pisces very much rules our inner world, the subconscious, what’s left swimming beneath the surface unsaid. We are in it. It is gloriously uncomfortable. I’m writing this because whoever is reading this, I am making a request—I really want you to sit with yourself. Alone, in silence. I want you to sit with your pain, your discomfort, your confusion, any negative emotion that seems to be following you lately. If you are reading this and thinking, “I am perfectly fine! My life is great. There’s no pain for me to feel” then either you’re the luckiest person on earth, have somehow completely transcended your ego and integrated your shadow, or you’re very blatantly ignoring something that is there. There is almost always something to heal. There is always something to learn. We are being given a time to ourselves to dig deeper into it, so we can heal it BEFORE the trigger and before engaging in the cycle whatever wound this is tends to activate.

Feeling Alone. The first card. It actually correlated with the 5 of Pentacles I pulled for the March 2019 reading in the same position. This is reinforcing our time of solitude and inner work. It might feel daunting and isolating, but those emotions are illusions. They’re barriers to your breakthrough. Any negativity you may feel turning inward most likely stems from fear. You are confronting darker, deeper things within yourself. For me, the loudest message coming through shows itself in the Healing Family Issues card. We need to really reach back into the past, back to childhood, to our oldest & earliest traumas. A trauma isn’t always something outwardly devastating. It can be something as little as a remark said to you by someone who wasn’t coming from a conscious, loving place and it stuck with you. Internalizing such a remark becomes belief in it. As a result we end up living out a false narratives for years, decades even. Now, I’m not saying you need to tackle everything at once. In fact, do not do this. Pick one thing. Pick something you know about yourself or life that’s making you unhappy. Why does it make you unhappy? Where’s the TRUE root of this suffering? (Pisces/Neptune rules illusions, break them down, find the TRUTH) What actions are you engaging in or not engaging in because of it? Do you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle? Like you always end up “back here” (wherever “here” is for you)? Investigating ourselves this way takes patience, self-compassion and lots of love. This is why it helps to imagine and speak with your inner child. Your inner child is an innocent beam of light, happy, unharmed and full of unconditional love toward you. How can you harness that essence again? What would your child-self say to you? What would you say to them? Meditate on this.

I’d like to go back to the quote at the beginning. “Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.” New Vitality was the second card I pulled. It indicates we will bring a bright, refreshing, wonderful renewing energy to ourselves, our lives, our goals and our relationships. But first, we need that solitude (Feeling Alone), because right now with our planet of communication (Mercury) is retrograde and swimming in the murky waters of Pisces. The words coming from many of our loved ones may be said with good intentions, but they might not seem to fully align what we’re currently working through or how we’re trying to work through it. We try to explain ourselves, but it just feels lost on others. Don’t get me wrong, It’s good to lean on your support system. It’s healthy to have that vulnerability and trust. Do it. But also know that right now, what will bring you most comfort and understanding is cultivating that type of support system within yourself. You do not have to seek outside of the self for your healing. Doing so often results in more suffering and a need for outside validation. Welcome love and support, but know your healing is ultimately YOUR responsibility and YOUR process. Own this. Own this and you will begin to feel more capable of healthily processing your emotions. You move out of victim mentality. You begin to embody love. The space you hold for yourself becomes space you can hold for others while they do their own work. Share your process when you feel comfortable. As your support system within yourself becomes stronger, the one outside of you becomes healthier. Your relationship with yourself is a direct reflection of your relationship with others.

Awaiting Results. This will not come quickly. Trust me, I know it’s a tall order. I’m writing this for anyone who needs to hear it, but also myself. I like to think I’m patient, but I also know deep down I like to see results fast. That’s where the self-compassion comes in. You’ve made it this far. You’re Here. Just wait. It’s all so mysterious, wild and disorienting. Embrace it. In addition to the Pisces New Moon and Mercury Retrograde, Mars is in Taurus. Taurus moves slowly and steadily toward their goals. Taurus is not easily deterred. With this sign driving our Action Planet, we have a great opportunity to truly be patient with ourselves and to buckle down get the work done. While the feminine Taurus clashes a bit with masculine Mars, I think the energies combining also serve as a great lesson of balancing our own inner masculine/feminine polarities.

Anyway, I just needed to write this. The message feels aligned with me. I don’t know if anyone else feels it too, but if no one else does it’s okay. You know why? Because I just spent an entire post writing about solitude, and how only we ourselves truly understand our own inner journey. So even if this isn’t what you needed to hear, I hope it inspires you to look inward for what you do.

Okay my loves, I adore you. I’m sending you all the light. Lean into your solitude. Investigate your inner world. Bring forth new, healing energy into your life. Patiently & compassionately support yourself as it all unfolds.

And so it is.

blood moon revelations.

Sunday night we experienced a full moon lunar eclipse in Leo. This eclipse ended the Leo-Aquarius eclipse cycle that began in February 2017. With this eclipse came the culmination and release of so many seemingly never ending stories/relationships/habits/attachments that began/reignited/came to light over the past two years. It’s finally time to move forward in our narrative; a different narrative.

Guided by this eclipse tarot template by moonandcactus, I did a reading for myself today to see what the super blood wolf moon is calling forth in me. I use ‘I’ but mostly ‘You’ in my interpretation. Although the reading is personally for me, I feel it may resonate with some of you. Even if it doesn’t, it may still do you good to read it.

Do you feel the shift?

1. How can I be my most authentic self?

The Lovers

Soooooulfulness. I am Venusian to my core, to a fault. No shame. Haven’t always felt no shame about it, but I do now. The path to authenticity is rooted in our choices. The decisions we make must are guided by our hearts. I do myself no favors when I ignore the voice that originates within the beating, rhythmic muscle in my chest. My life force. All decisions from now on should be made in a place where the heart is open, arms are outstretched, and palms are ready to receive. This is Me. I see Me in You. Love for another is self-love. Self-love is love for another. Mirrors. It always comes back around to this.

More love.

More love.

More love.

More love.

These words repeated themselves endlessly in my mind as I meditated today to the sound of the pacific ocean. I could feel them vibrate through my body like a heartbeat itself.

More love.

More love.

More love.

More love.

I realized I’ve heard them before. From the mouth of an incredible poet, Yrsa Daley-Ward. It’s a simple, two word mantra, and it’s a Powerful, all-encompassing choice. A choice to Be Love.

2. How can I get in better touch with my unique gifts?

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Stop spending your resources on things that will never Fulfill you. Material caters to the ego. Stop enslaving yourself. It’s leaving you empty when you are anything but. You have a treasure trove INSIDE of You. There is nothing you need to acquire to go within. There you will find a master key. Unlock your destiny. Let your yourself blossom abundantly, endlessly. Stop blocking your blessings. Shine.

3. What is currently coming to fruition?

Ten of Wands

Burdens. You’ve carried them for a long time. For what? It’s true, it’s made you stronger. You can bare more than you ever thought possible. But ask yourself, is that necessary at the present moment? Or are most of your burdens, your anxieties, actually imagined stressors that stem from an unhealed place? An unhealed place that’s looking to sabotage your inner peace? Ah. Yes. You are seeing clearer now. Sitting up straighter. Breathing in deeper. There’s a lightness to it. Feels good doesn’t it? All that weight, sliding right off your back.

4. What aspects of my life need more courage?

The Fool

Leap. Go. Run. Now. What did I say before? Everything is shifted. You’ve been feeling it for a while now, but now you Know. Things are different now. You can begin again. You’ve always been able to, you just haven’t believed it. This is the start of a new story. The impossible seems just as likely as any other logical outcome now, and that’s because it is. Trust this. Bravely lean into your deepest desires and choose actions that stay true to the path you’ve committed to. The present moment calls. It’s time to answer.

5. What is lurking within the darkness?

Three of Wands

Be patient. Much is happening around you. Your uniqueness delights and attracts new energies into your space. Remain focused on your goals. Revel in the Wildness of the Universe and Connection. Flow in it if you like, but do not become so swayed you let others move you away from your End Game. Yes, dreams change, goals change, paths change. Yes, yes, yes. But deep down, you will know when a real change of course vibes with you, and when actually it’s someone looking to influence your mind. Remain connected and tuned into your heart above all. Let no one’s influence, presence or absence control you.

6. Step needed to release it.

Death

Transformation. This comes as no surprise. We must embrace the complete death of who we were in order to be what we’ll become. You are ready for so much more. Endings no longer scare you, because you know they’re followed by beginnings (The Fool). Look at the red on the Moon. See how it washes Her clean. The shadow passes and it’s as if She is the brightest she has ever been. This is true of you, too. Divine feminine. A Goddess risen from the ashes of mortality. You can only level up if you’re willing to walk into the flames. Go forward.

7. Message from the lunar eclipse.

Wheel of Fortune (Reversed)

Closure. Time and time again it has felt like the wheel was spinning, and every time you thought it landed on what was supposed to be Destiny—it wasn’t. One false prophet after another, it’s been tiresome. But how much of that disappointment has been from your own attachment to your expectations? Were you really closing your eyes, in full faith and letting the wheel spin? Or did you have one eye open, manipulating where it would stop? We both know the answer to this question. It does not have to be this way anymore. You trust now. Forgive yourself for falsifying realities in the past to make a Fate that fit a lie perpetuated by your ego. Now, when you spin the wheel, let it land where it wills. Detach. Know you cannot control this. Feel the peace that comes with giving it up to God. There is an intricate alchemy at work here. It’s in your favor. Love it into existence.

And so it is.

all lunar & love.

You are all lunar & love,
and all I want is to
bask in the glow of it.

But all you give me
is an eclipse.

I wrote that poem this time last year (July 20, 2017 to be exact). It felt fitting for this post–an eclipse poem for an eclipse reading. The total lunar eclipse in Aquarius on July 27, 2018 will be the longest lunar eclipse of the century. Eclipse energy is always intense, but the longest one in 100 years? Might just be worth noting. We already had a partial solar eclipse in Cancer on July 12, 2017. Cancer season always comes with stirred up emotions, but this past season was particularly volatile concerning home, family and our closest companionships. Many of you have probably had thoughts of leaving certain situations. Perhaps contemplating a new job, changing cities, leaving a relationship or friendships. What your heart is telling you to leave behind, leave it. Eclipses bring endings, irrevocable changes, sudden departures & the like. While all of these things sound daunting (and let’s not lie to ourselves, they are), they are forging a new path for you, one that serves you in the highest. We’re leveling the hell up people. Get ready. 

So how can we make the most out of this Blood Moon? There are already plenty of wonderful articles out on the web about what it means for this eclipse in Aquarius. The internet is full of amazing astrologers graciously sharing their knowledge of common themes we’ll be experiencing. So what I wanted to share with you is a tarot reading about what we need to leave behind, what we need to take with us & the overall feeling we may experience after this total lunar eclipse. I pulled a card from the Morgan-Greer tarot for each of these questions. Then I pulled a card from John Holland’s Psychic Tarot for the Heart for an encouraging message we can meditate upon during this time of rapid change. I hope it is something you can carry with you as the effects of the eclipse unfold over the next 6 months.

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What do we need to leave behind right now?

image2
IV – The Emperor

“A mature man with conviction and the ability to execute plans and ideas. He maintains an overview of all situations with stability, control, and reason.” – Moran-Greer Tarot

Sounds like a dude that’s really got it together right? Well, forget about him. During eclipse season, embodying the Emperor is resistance to what will actual serve you–which is change. To embrace change we need to release the need to control, the impulse for order, the desire to plan and take the responsible route. It doesn’t mean we need to run around turning our lives on their heads, but it does mean we need to not only expect the unexpected but embrace it willingly. The chaotic energy of eclipse season does not sit well with the Emperor. He is sure of his future, of his plans and how to execute them swiftly. But the structure the Emperor in all of us craves is lost to us right now. There is a time and place for the secure energy the Emperor offers, but this is not it. Our paths have shifted, shifting our goals, plans and strategy to get where we thought we wanted to be. We must be willing to break out of rigidity and embrace the freedom this shift is allowing us. We are not stuck. We are the complete opposite. Do not fall back into the confines of order the Emperor tempts you into because it feels “safe.” Instead of being fearful, be grateful, be curious and boldly lean into the transformation you’ve been gifted.

 

What do we need to take with us into this new phase of life?

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III – The Empress

“Wife, mother, companion. Through warmth and devotion, she brings pleasure and comfort to her loved ones. Finds practical application and purposes for ideas.” – Moran-Greer Tarot

I just have to say I find it interesting (& a little funny) that I pulled the consort card of The Emperor for the complete polar opposite question I was asking. Duality man, it’s wild. Anyway! The Empress… Divine femininity, ruled by Venus, an emblem of fertility, generosity and abundance. What I want you to bring with you is your open, soft nature. If you are not someone who is tapped into this, work on accessing it. The Empress is associated with the Heart Chakra. Open yours. To thrive in a time where so much feels uncertain, we must remain open wholeheartedly. This will allow us the flexibility needed to prosper on a new path, and continue our journey to our highest good, our purpose, our “Personal Legend.” Trust the Empress within yourself to provide you with the emotional strength and security needed to get through this. Use her warm energy to help you guide others who are not so sure of themselves.

 

What describes the overall emotional state/feeling we may experience?

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Five of Pentacles

“Spiritual warmth comforts those suffering financial or physical hardship.” – Moran-Greer Tarot

No matter how you shape it, this card means hardship of some sort. Be it money, career, home or in your personal relationships, there is a loss you are currently facing. It is difficult to let go of something, but letting go is a choice. Often with Five of Pentacles something was taken. We feel as if we were given no time to prepare. No time to choose to let go. I say “we feel as if” we weren’t given time to prepare because the truth is we are equipped to deal with the hardship to come. We may not want to, but we can. How? Through supporting each other. Not only do we need to lean into the new direction the Universe is pulling us in, we need to lean on each other. Express your confusion, fear, anxiety, excitement. The spiritual journey is a personal one, yes, but it does not have to be a lonely one. If you feel isolated, I want you to know I am your companion in this. I humbly ask you to honor me by trusting me enough to lean on me when you need it. And, I hope you will do the same for me.

 

What message overall can we trust during this time, to lift us, when we need it most?

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6 – Love

“…Are you coming from a place of love? It’s important to empathize, remain nonjudgmental, and love people for who they are. The same applies to your relationship with yourself. There’s an opportunity now to bring your being into a harmonious whole. Forgive your faults and rejoice in your perfect uniqueness… Are you choosing to have people in your life who support and empower you? Surround yourself only with those who encourage and sustain you, and who push or guide you to be all that you truly can be. This will help you value yourself and raise your vibration to that of unconditional love.” – John Holland, Psychic Tarot for the Heart

Eclipses are a time when the past recycles into our present. With so many planets already in retrograde, and Mercury about to station retrograde on July 26, people and situations from our past are popping up left and right. This isn’t coincidental or without purpose. It’s karmic energy, pulling up chords we’ve left uncut. Who/what are we still attached to that is toxic for us? Do not get me wrong. I don’t believe everyone in your past should always stay there. Sometimes the past cycles around to show us how WE were toxic. What behaviors have we exhibited that we need to recognize? How can we do it differently this time? Trust your intuition to be able to differentiate between something toxic/draining, and something that, while it may make you uncomfortable, is actually pushing you to a higher vibration. Be kind with yourself as you investigate these relationships, especially the one with yourself. Forgive yourself. Release what/who does not nourish your soul. Be happy, thankful and openly grateful to those who are. Unconditional love is not in short supply. If we can learn to release the fears & insecurities that cause us to put limits, conditions and ties on our love, we can finally realize & accept unconditional love is abundant within ourselves and others. Express it to those who’ve wronged you by forgiving them and letting them go. Express it to those who you know are in your life to cherish & support you. Let them know you are there to meet and love them where they are at. You are there to walk beside them as they journey to where their heart calls them to go.

 

Anytime I do a reading I always feel there is so much more deeper to go. But I am going to leave you with this. Truly, it’s just as much as up to your interpretation as it is mine. Even if this resonates with just one person, that’s enough. Also, any additional interpretation/feedback is always, always welcome.

By releasing the rigidity of past expectations held by the Emperor within us, we embrace and nurture the new path laid before us comforted by the loving, warm energy of our Empress. This provides us with the strength and light needed to navigate a time of hardship, loss and inevitable change (Five of Pentacles). We do it all from a place of eternal Love. And so it is.

illuminations.

For two weeks I’ve woke up to the thought: “I need to do a reading and write a post today.” But the days kept passing, I didn’t pull any cards & I didn’t write a word. But this afternoon I thought, “I’m ready to do a reading and I want to write a poem.” Not even a poem, really. Just words. I’ve always hesitated to call anything I do poetry. Real talk? That’s just a personal insecurity. It’s a fear-based thought. I think to myself, “How can anything I write ever be beautiful enough to be considered poetic?” Then, I wake up out of that messy, low-self esteem, self-sabotaging daze and I realize: my entire goddamn existence is poetic. And so is yours. If you’ve forgotten & needed a reminder–this is it.

There are levels to the messages when reading tarot. Some of them we often don’t even realize at the time of a reading. It comes later, when we’re standing in the checkout line or folding laundry. I find we have our most extraordinary revelations doing ordinary things. That’s not by accident. So, my few words here won’t cover as deep as the meanings run with these cards, but maybe it can pull something out of you.

Long story short, I decided to bang out some shitty unedited free verse while meditating on these images.

My advice? Do what you need to do to revive your creativity when you feel it losing its breath. It’ll thank you.

The Sun.

to feel the warmth on my face,

revitalization

you gift me with your energy

all of it, radiating

from my fingertips

outstretched like rays

I reach for us,

glowing,

growing

I feel you underneath my skin,

soaking in, you stay

like the tan lines that still linger

on my body in deep winter

we laugh basking in light

ablaze,

even as we fade

I still feel the heat, eternal

between us

9 of cups.

so tell me,

if the Sun is the closest star to us,

if it’s light gives Earth life

why are we sending our wishes out so far?

I must have asked the Sun for you

not Sirius or Polaris

you came from the Sun

that is the only way this could feel

this good, this fast

I pour myself into you when you come

just like I poured out into the heavens,

waiting for you to arrive

here you are,

there you go

8 of cups.

and there I go,

the Moon comes out to wrap herself

around the Sun,

a crescent of comfort

she shows me parts of myself,

of you, of us

that I couldn’t see in daylight

I do not regret wishing for you

I do not curse the Sun for bringing you

I do not hate the Moon for revealing you

I am grateful for knowing

when to leave and when to stay

like Orpheus leading Eurydice,

I cannot look back

I am honored to love struggle

into stride

but mostly,

I am in love with knowing that if I go,

and you are mine, you will follow

someday, I know

you’ll catch up.