pretty spots.

“Just know that all is good and you are a warrior. I have seen you blossom into a wonderful jaguar queen and you are fully capable of dragging some idiot by the neck up a tree, and they are lucky you choose to just show your pretty spots most of the time.”

I remember exactly how I felt when a friend of mine told me that. It made me feel stronger during a time of unexpected heartbreak. I laughed. But now, more than ever, I know this to be true. As we continue on into Leo season, basking in the light the Sun-ruled sign shines upon us, let us remember not only our own strength but the strength of those around us. Do not mistake someone’s kindness for weakness. It is great and important to harness our Alpha energy at times, to be a leader—it is a gift, and not something all people do well. We are all still learning to lead without selfishness. But who can trust a leader that alienates its Pride? Pride has two meanings here—a pack of lions, but also our own personal pride. Pride has a place. We should be proud of ourselves, for our accomplishments, our work, our growth, our ability to persevere. But what’s any of that worth if we’ve burned so many bridges to get there?

In tarot the Strength card is associated with Leo and the number 8. The card depicts a woman holding (either open or closed) a lion’s jaw. She is in alignment with the animal. She radiates a calmness that comes from within, lacking any fear of taking on the beast. There is almost an understanding between them, a type of respect. This is a respect I encourage you to remember as you come head to head with situations and people fired up by eclipse season & our current retrograde planets. We are in the middle of a massive clean out within us and around us. We are being challenged to look inward and break cycles that are endless loops, leaving us feeling empty and taken advantage of. Remove your focus from releasing a person to releasing the cycle. We have no power or control over other people. We only have control over our actions. By refusing to react or participate in their toxicity, we are able to leave behind what does not serve us in the highest. For if we eliminate a toxic cycle, a toxic relationship cannot survive. Either the relationship will evolve or it will naturally disintegrate. Whichever way it goes, this only brings you closer to alignment and your highest good. Once you are able to break a cycle, you can detach, grow and do your best to ensure you do not recreate it with a different person. Let that karmic lesson be learned and move forward. This takes strength of mind, body and spirit.

But my message to you today is less about releasing and more about nourishing. I encourage you to nourish the relationships around you with the people who make you feel strong. The people who align with your spirit and bring your light from the inside out. The ones who recognize your strength where others only see “pretty spots.” The ones who do not mistake your kindness for weakness, and know your warmth, empathy and willingness to forgive is a form of courage. Tell these people you love them, because releasing such heavy energy, as we have been for the past month or so, is isolating. We forget about our pack; our pride; our support system. Remember, you are loved. Leo rules the heart. Reconnect with yours. Sit outside, eyes closed, in the sun. Envision a loving green light radiating from within and around you (green rules the heart chakra). Send this loving light to the people you care for.

I want to link you to an article I read today which resonated with me. It’s about Lionsgate (August 8th) and for me it was eerie how close the message was to my own meditation on the energy I’ve been feeling at the time. Linked here: http://foreverconscious.com/lionsgate-portal-august-2018

I would love to hear more from anyone about what they’ve been feeling lately/where they’re at. This matters. This is important. Let the energy guide you, transform you and lift you.

all lunar & love.

You are all lunar & love,
and all I want is to
bask in the glow of it.

But all you give me
is an eclipse.

I wrote that poem this time last year (July 20, 2017 to be exact). It felt fitting for this post–an eclipse poem for an eclipse reading. The total lunar eclipse in Aquarius on July 27, 2018 will be the longest lunar eclipse of the century. Eclipse energy is always intense, but the longest one in 100 years? Might just be worth noting. We already had a partial solar eclipse in Cancer on July 12, 2017. Cancer season always comes with stirred up emotions, but this past season was particularly volatile concerning home, family and our closest companionships. Many of you have probably had thoughts of leaving certain situations. Perhaps contemplating a new job, changing cities, leaving a relationship or friendships. What your heart is telling you to leave behind, leave it. Eclipses bring endings, irrevocable changes, sudden departures & the like. While all of these things sound daunting (and let’s not lie to ourselves, they are), they are forging a new path for you, one that serves you in the highest. We’re leveling the hell up people. Get ready. 

So how can we make the most out of this Blood Moon? There are already plenty of wonderful articles out on the web about what it means for this eclipse in Aquarius. The internet is full of amazing astrologers graciously sharing their knowledge of common themes we’ll be experiencing. So what I wanted to share with you is a tarot reading about what we need to leave behind, what we need to take with us & the overall feeling we may experience after this total lunar eclipse. I pulled a card from the Morgan-Greer tarot for each of these questions. Then I pulled a card from John Holland’s Psychic Tarot for the Heart for an encouraging message we can meditate upon during this time of rapid change. I hope it is something you can carry with you as the effects of the eclipse unfold over the next 6 months.

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What do we need to leave behind right now?

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IV – The Emperor

“A mature man with conviction and the ability to execute plans and ideas. He maintains an overview of all situations with stability, control, and reason.” – Moran-Greer Tarot

Sounds like a dude that’s really got it together right? Well, forget about him. During eclipse season, embodying the Emperor is resistance to what will actual serve you–which is change. To embrace change we need to release the need to control, the impulse for order, the desire to plan and take the responsible route. It doesn’t mean we need to run around turning our lives on their heads, but it does mean we need to not only expect the unexpected but embrace it willingly. The chaotic energy of eclipse season does not sit well with the Emperor. He is sure of his future, of his plans and how to execute them swiftly. But the structure the Emperor in all of us craves is lost to us right now. There is a time and place for the secure energy the Emperor offers, but this is not it. Our paths have shifted, shifting our goals, plans and strategy to get where we thought we wanted to be. We must be willing to break out of rigidity and embrace the freedom this shift is allowing us. We are not stuck. We are the complete opposite. Do not fall back into the confines of order the Emperor tempts you into because it feels “safe.” Instead of being fearful, be grateful, be curious and boldly lean into the transformation you’ve been gifted.

 

What do we need to take with us into this new phase of life?

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III – The Empress

“Wife, mother, companion. Through warmth and devotion, she brings pleasure and comfort to her loved ones. Finds practical application and purposes for ideas.” – Moran-Greer Tarot

I just have to say I find it interesting (& a little funny) that I pulled the consort card of The Emperor for the complete polar opposite question I was asking. Duality man, it’s wild. Anyway! The Empress… Divine femininity, ruled by Venus, an emblem of fertility, generosity and abundance. What I want you to bring with you is your open, soft nature. If you are not someone who is tapped into this, work on accessing it. The Empress is associated with the Heart Chakra. Open yours. To thrive in a time where so much feels uncertain, we must remain open wholeheartedly. This will allow us the flexibility needed to prosper on a new path, and continue our journey to our highest good, our purpose, our “Personal Legend.” Trust the Empress within yourself to provide you with the emotional strength and security needed to get through this. Use her warm energy to help you guide others who are not so sure of themselves.

 

What describes the overall emotional state/feeling we may experience?

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Five of Pentacles

“Spiritual warmth comforts those suffering financial or physical hardship.” – Moran-Greer Tarot

No matter how you shape it, this card means hardship of some sort. Be it money, career, home or in your personal relationships, there is a loss you are currently facing. It is difficult to let go of something, but letting go is a choice. Often with Five of Pentacles something was taken. We feel as if we were given no time to prepare. No time to choose to let go. I say “we feel as if” we weren’t given time to prepare because the truth is we are equipped to deal with the hardship to come. We may not want to, but we can. How? Through supporting each other. Not only do we need to lean into the new direction the Universe is pulling us in, we need to lean on each other. Express your confusion, fear, anxiety, excitement. The spiritual journey is a personal one, yes, but it does not have to be a lonely one. If you feel isolated, I want you to know I am your companion in this. I humbly ask you to honor me by trusting me enough to lean on me when you need it. And, I hope you will do the same for me.

 

What message overall can we trust during this time, to lift us, when we need it most?

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6 – Love

“…Are you coming from a place of love? It’s important to empathize, remain nonjudgmental, and love people for who they are. The same applies to your relationship with yourself. There’s an opportunity now to bring your being into a harmonious whole. Forgive your faults and rejoice in your perfect uniqueness… Are you choosing to have people in your life who support and empower you? Surround yourself only with those who encourage and sustain you, and who push or guide you to be all that you truly can be. This will help you value yourself and raise your vibration to that of unconditional love.” – John Holland, Psychic Tarot for the Heart

Eclipses are a time when the past recycles into our present. With so many planets already in retrograde, and Mercury about to station retrograde on July 26, people and situations from our past are popping up left and right. This isn’t coincidental or without purpose. It’s karmic energy, pulling up chords we’ve left uncut. Who/what are we still attached to that is toxic for us? Do not get me wrong. I don’t believe everyone in your past should always stay there. Sometimes the past cycles around to show us how WE were toxic. What behaviors have we exhibited that we need to recognize? How can we do it differently this time? Trust your intuition to be able to differentiate between something toxic/draining, and something that, while it may make you uncomfortable, is actually pushing you to a higher vibration. Be kind with yourself as you investigate these relationships, especially the one with yourself. Forgive yourself. Release what/who does not nourish your soul. Be happy, thankful and openly grateful to those who are. Unconditional love is not in short supply. If we can learn to release the fears & insecurities that cause us to put limits, conditions and ties on our love, we can finally realize & accept unconditional love is abundant within ourselves and others. Express it to those who’ve wronged you by forgiving them and letting them go. Express it to those who you know are in your life to cherish & support you. Let them know you are there to meet and love them where they are at. You are there to walk beside them as they journey to where their heart calls them to go.

 

Anytime I do a reading I always feel there is so much more deeper to go. But I am going to leave you with this. Truly, it’s just as much as up to your interpretation as it is mine. Even if this resonates with just one person, that’s enough. Also, any additional interpretation/feedback is always, always welcome.

By releasing the rigidity of past expectations held by the Emperor within us, we embrace and nurture the new path laid before us comforted by the loving, warm energy of our Empress. This provides us with the strength and light needed to navigate a time of hardship, loss and inevitable change (Five of Pentacles). We do it all from a place of eternal Love. And so it is.

illuminations.

For two weeks I’ve woke up to the thought: “I need to do a reading and write a post today.” But the days kept passing, I didn’t pull any cards & I didn’t write a word. But this afternoon I thought, “I’m ready to do a reading and I want to write a poem.” Not even a poem, really. Just words. I’ve always hesitated to call anything I do poetry. Real talk? That’s just a personal insecurity. It’s a fear-based thought. I think to myself, “How can anything I write ever be beautiful enough to be considered poetic?” Then, I wake up out of that messy, low-self esteem, self-sabotaging daze and I realize: my entire goddamn existence is poetic. And so is yours. If you’ve forgotten & needed a reminder–this is it.

There are levels to the messages when reading tarot. Some of them we often don’t even realize at the time of a reading. It comes later, when we’re standing in the checkout line or folding laundry. I find we have our most extraordinary revelations doing ordinary things. That’s not by accident. So, my few words here won’t cover as deep as the meanings run with these cards, but maybe it can pull something out of you.

Long story short, I decided to bang out some shitty unedited free verse while meditating on these images.

My advice? Do what you need to do to revive your creativity when you feel it losing its breath. It’ll thank you.

The Sun.

to feel the warmth on my face,

revitalization

you gift me with your energy

all of it, radiating

from my fingertips

outstretched like rays

I reach for us,

glowing,

growing

I feel you underneath my skin,

soaking in, you stay

like the tan lines that still linger

on my body in deep winter

we laugh basking in light

ablaze,

even as we fade

I still feel the heat, eternal

between us

9 of cups.

so tell me,

if the Sun is the closest star to us,

if it’s light gives Earth life

why are we sending our wishes out so far?

I must have asked the Sun for you

not Sirius or Polaris

you came from the Sun

that is the only way this could feel

this good, this fast

I pour myself into you when you come

just like I poured out into the heavens,

waiting for you to arrive

here you are,

there you go

8 of cups.

and there I go,

the Moon comes out to wrap herself

around the Sun,

a crescent of comfort

she shows me parts of myself,

of you, of us

that I couldn’t see in daylight

I do not regret wishing for you

I do not curse the Sun for bringing you

I do not hate the Moon for revealing you

I am grateful for knowing

when to leave and when to stay

like Orpheus leading Eurydice,

I cannot look back

I am honored to love struggle

into stride

but mostly,

I am in love with knowing that if I go,

and you are mine, you will follow

someday, I know

you’ll catch up.

11:11

Remember as a kid you would catch 11:11 on a clock and make a wish? I used to do it a all the time in school, but couldn’t say I’d caught much of it lately. Just every once in a blue moon I’d glance over at a clock and smile at the 4 repeating numbers. It’s been a different story for the past ten days. For the past ten days, every day I have caught 11:11. On my cell phone, on a wall clock, on my laptop, on my work device–doesn’t matter what it’s on or where I am, I catch it. The first few days I didn’t think anything of it. Just figured it was a happy coincidence. A cute little reminder of what it felt like to be young, to wish and believe it would happen. But what I failed to recognize immediately is that it was less of a coincidence and more of a deliberate sign.

I haven’t posted in two months. I haven’t written in two months. I’ve been dealing with some issues that completely took my attention away from my creativity. That was my first mistake. No matter what happens in life–the weird mishaps, the unexpected turns, the devastating realizations–never let them take you away from your passion. Promise yourself that, because in your passion, in what you love is where you belong. You draw strength from it just by pursuing it and when you have that, you can face any of the strange unanticipated things that happen. I had forgotten that. But I remember now.

In numerology, angel numbers specifically, 1111 has a meaning. I didn’t know the meaning, but when the Universe throws it in your face for almost two weeks, you find out. 1111 means you’re manifesting what you want and you’re manifesting it quickly. The Universe is on your side with bringing your thoughts into actuality. For those of you familiar with tarot, think of The Magician (card number 1). Even if you’re not familiar with tarot, the Magician is a card of action, success & innovation. He can bring things into fruition with his magic, but only when he commits to what he really wants. The Magician encourages us to focus on what ignites our passion and will it into life before our eyes.

So what the hell does any of this have to do with me? Or you, as a matter of fact, because I am writing this for you just as much as I am writing it for myself. 1111 tells us that we are powerful. We are constantly creating our reality. When we have thoughts, be they positive or negative, be they spoken or kept inside, we are putting that energy out there. We are always manifesting, and when we do it that it is critical for us to focus on what we desire, not what we fear. Manifesting from our fears, our insecurities, is what creates our disappointment, our heartache. It brings out those destructive repetitive patterns because we haven’t learned to come from a place of positivity, hope, light.

It sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? It should be easy to come from a positive place when it comes to attracting what we want most in life. So what makes it so difficult?

The belief that we don’t deserve it. I’ve earned, I’ve been given and I have created incredible opportunities in this life so far. Yet at times, now especially, I struggle greatly with believing I deserve good things. I doubt myself. I feel insecure. I feel small. I feel shame. I feel like I’m not enough. I question everyone’s motives. I question myself. I dream of the wildest, most wonderful things. I imagine the most generous, kindest, grandest, enduring of loves. But why would it actually happen for me?

Well, it will happen. Because I am worth it, and you are worth it too. It will happen because we want it to. We will it to. We wish it to, and both consciously & subconsciously we will take the steps to achieve it.

11:11.

I want you to believe you deserve good things. I want you to have the courage to go after them. I want you to know that your desires are calling out to you just as loud as you are calling out to them. And when we both finally get to where we are meant to be (where we deserve to be), we will smile and laugh about how we thought it would never happen.

Here.

I once asked a man to tell me something. Anything. It was one of those times where I asked just because I wanted to hear him talk. Mostly because I liked the sound of his voice, but I also knew whatever he said would put my heart in my throat (in the good way). Laying down together, my head nuzzled in his neck, hand on his chest, he spoke softly to me: “While waiting for the elevator to come up here, I read on the map: ‘You are here.’ and I thought, ‘Yeah I am, and I’m happy to be.’”

Instinctively, I felt myself clutch him tighter, as if somehow holding him closer meant I could find that sort of peace and clarity too—the joy of just being here. No worrying in the future or fretting about the past I couldn’t change. I wanted nothing more than to just be right there. Here. Then. Now.

Turns out he said a lot of lovely things, and it still didn’t work out. Artists do that to you. I’m guilty of it too. But every time I see the words, ‘You Are Here’ on a map, I’m reminded of that feeling. The way his presence—being Here—brought me there too. I am reminded of my own breath. I breath in and think, “Yes, I am here and I’m happy to be,” and breathe out with gratitude.

One of my favorite passages on love & intimacy is from “Enchanted Love” by Marianne Williamson. She equates the people who come ready to transform/love us as angels. We have been angels to people and others have been angels to us. Yet even though we pray for our angels to find us, we (more often than not) do not recognize them when they come. Even worse, we reject them. Mostly because it’s painful to finally get everything you’ve been asking for. It never seems to come at the right time or really look how you pictured it. With great love comes great healing and the challenge of facing your wounds. If you’re someone who’s in denial about having places that need healing, how can you be ready for someone who will expose them to you? You’ve spent all of this time cocooning yourself into a place that’s comfortable, even though it’s not where you want to be. It’s not aligned with your highest good or all that you are capable of. Then someone comes along & says if you continue to stay there then you cannot have what you want—real authentic love, rooted in mutual healing and forgiveness. But all of our trust issues and trauma keep us from believing them. It’s the past and the future which hold us down. We don’t trust because of what’s happened to us before. We don’t trust because of what could happen to us down the road. But we could trust if we let go. If we detach and trust being Here, we could break the shackles of our past shame, guilt and pain, and banish the thoughts of future downfalls. Rationally it’s understandable to be cautious, but it comes at the expense of magic—which is exactly what opening yourself up to love is. Give up your need to control it.

“The miracle of love is expressed through other people… They contain, in every touch and sigh, the information you need, the miraculous power to alchemize your weaknesses and turn them into strengths… And you continue to pray for what you’ve already received, and will one day realize that what you let fly by was a miracle intended to heal you. You might even say so but by then it will probably be too late.

Angels do not light for long; they fly away when love denies them. They do not linger in the regions of earthly fear…

Next time she comes—whoever she is—perhaps you will not deny her. Next time she comes, be humble before God. Next time she comes, admit your pain. Next time she comes, come forth yourself. Next time she comes, let go your resistance.

Next time she comes, be brave.”

– Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love

So I am calling on you to recognize your angel. BE someone’s angel. Trust in the timing of people’s comings and goings. Appreciate who they were, who they are and who they will be. Genuine connections exist only to serve us positively. Let yourself be carried away by the poetry of the improbable (because it’s never impossible). Be present and trust the process, because You. Are. Here.

for those who I owe thanks.

I am thankful for your magic. I am thankful for the way you look at me. The way your fingers feel when they caress my face. I am thankful for your heart. For the way it makes your body glow, beating, living, breathing inside of your rib cage, dying to burst out. When you press your chest up against mine, I am thankful for the way our breath falls into sync. It is primordial. Ancient. Sacred.

I am thankful for you. I am thankful for her. I am thankful for him. I am thankful for the way my mother raised me—to be kind, to be patient, to be wild, to have faith and to be hopeful that everything is working out. Yes, it’s working out. Because sitting right here, right now, what you may be thinking is your heart has such a long way to go. Yeah maybe, maybe.

But maybe it’s all good. Maybe yeah, you’ve still got such a fucking mountain to climb, but so what? Right now, you’re at the base and you have everybody cheering you on. Everybody here is holding a banner with your name on it, saying you’re going to make it the summit. You’re gonna make it to the top.

I am thankful for knowing how to love. For wanting to love, despite all of the times I have stroked the face of love with nothing but compassion and trust, only to have it bite my hand. I am thankful for knowing you. And I mean, knowing you, every inch of you, and the way that knowing you in that way is unique. Unique to any other way than any other person will ever know you, until your bones have gone from this earth.

I am thankful for the revolutionaries. The ones braver, stronger than me. The ones who look at me and lift me up, knowing that I am capable of more and push me to be more. I love you for saying what the world could be and having what it takes to make it happen. You inspire me. I am thankful to be human on this planet we call Earth, and to be surrounded by the entire Universe, to be able to know exactly what that means but also at a loss to understand. To know that it is magic, it is wonder, because magic never died. Magic is all around us. It is the way I feel when I lock eyes with a stranger that somehow I already know, somehow I’ve seen, time, and time again.

So, thank you for being a part of all of this. For being human, for being credible, unique, caring and kind. Thank you for being unforgettable and irreplaceable.

And if nobody’s told you yet today, I love you. I love you. You have changed my life.

earth. air. water. fire.

What better way to celebrate Halloween than with a Tarot reading!? For those of you who don’t have much knowledge about Tarot, here is a basic description of the deck: Tarot has the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana. The Minor Arcana are split into four suits which are associated with the four elements; pentacles (earth), swords (air), cups (water) and wands (fire). The Major Arcana are probably the cards you’re most familiar with/used to seeing in pop culture when Tarot is mentioned, like The Fool, Death, The Devil, The Lovers, etc. Today I did an exercise where I split the four suits and Major Arcana up. I pulled from each of the individual decks to answer these five questions:

  1. What does my body (pentacles/earth) need?
  2. What does my mind (swords/air) need?
  3. What does my heart (cups/water) need?
  4. What does my inner fire (wands/fire) need?
  5. What is the overarching theme (Major Arcana) of my life?

It was a really fun, enlightening reading. Readings like these are a great way to get to know the deck more because you get one of each suit. I started reading Tarot on my own in January, but I still feel new to it. Each time I do a reading for myself or someone else, the cards reveal themselves to me in a fresh & unique way. This is also an easy spread for anyone who’s a beginner. Below is my own analysis of my reading. However, I’d love to hear any interpretations others may have, or if you try it yourself I’d love to know the results of your own reading (if you’re open to sharing)!

What does my body need?
Six of Pentacles.

            Associated with Moon in Taurus, 6 of Pentacles speaks to our possessions. It can often denote that money is coming. It could be an inheritance, award or a gift. Much like how a person with Moon in Taurus craves security through stable material wealth, a nest egg, the 6 of Pentacles shows something coming that will help you achieve that stability for your future. As Liz Dean writes, it’s a card that “brings genuine support.”

Knowing this & knowing I asked about what my body needs, the message I gather is my body needs to be treated as a gift. For the majority of my life, I was cruel to my body. Over the past few years, especially with the growth of the body positivity movement, I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. That’s not to say I don’t still have issues with my body dysmorphia. But lately, any fitness goals I have for myself come from a place of love. Instead of wanting to be smaller, I want to be stronger. Instead of wanting to be beautiful, I want to have a healthy glow. Instead of wanting someone else’s body, I want to want mine, as it is and for what it will be.

My body’s abilities enable me to live the blessed life I do have. These feet travel the world and my eyes see the wonders of it. My ears hear the laughter of my loved ones, and my mouth tells them how much I love them when they need to hear it most. My body will someday bear a child, and to that child this body will be home, like the arms of my mother are for me. The love I put into my body is the love it will award back to me. What a miracle. I vow to treat these bones & flesh as such.

What does my mind need?
Four of Swords.

            The 4 of Swords calls for rest. To say this year (especially since the eclipse in August) has been challenging would be an understatement. The 4 of Swords knows what you’ve been through, and it asks you to give yourself time to recuperate.

In regards to what my mind needs, the Linestrider Tarot says, “There will be battles in the future but you must take time to mend, sharpen and recover… Create space to think, dream, and heal while taking a break from the thoughts and demands of others.” This card isn’t hard to interpret. Quite literally, I need to quiet my mind, convalesce and give myself some self-care and solitude. All of this will aid me in building a sturdier foundation–a clear mind to make important life decisions approaching me.

Also fun fact: 4 of Swords is astrological association is Jupiter in Libra, which is actually my Jupiter placement! (If you haven’t calculated your birth chart yet, I highly suggest looking into it. Also feel free to contact me to discuss it!)

What does my heart need?
Seven of Cups.

            I am a dreamer, and my heart is prone to illusions and fantasy. With my Venus placement in Sagittarius, the fiery Archer, I shoot first and think later. Nowhere is too far and no one is out of my reach. Grand gestures are my favorite thing to give and receive. Love conquers all and so will we. I go big or go home with my affections, and to be honest… Lately, it hasn’t served me well. As the Linestrider Tarot reads, “The 7 of Cups celebrates the dreamer who is able to see the possibilities and excitement as well as difficulties in the future… What area of your life needs less illusion and more action?” It’s a card about the dangerous of too much fantasy, of grand illusions. Linestrider also warns that this card appears to warn us of a certain blindness we may have toward our own faults and unrealistic expectations.

My heart has had many expectations, and the expectations it has often don’t align with what the people it chooses to pursue are willing to give. What does my heart need? To reflect, to look inward and see the illusions it’s built up around romantic love and around certain people. This doesn’t mean to stop being a dreamer or a romantic. It’s asking me to stop standing in my own way. I can’t appreciate the beauty of reality because I’m so stuck on the delusion of a fantasy. In what ways have I failed myself and others in love? How can I improve myself to attract the love I desire? How can I learn to act from a place of unconditional love and not fear? I need to stop putting people on pedestals they never asked to be on and blaming them when they fall off. I need to see things as they are, feel them as they are and work with that to manifest the relationship that’s aligned with my highest good.

What does my inner fire need?
Ace of Wands.

            An ace starts the suit. It’s the beginning. The singular. The one. The message here is clear: my inner fire needs a jumpstart, a jolt, fuel to set it ablaze again. My inner fire was smothered, extinguished by complacency. It’s true, I am happy where I am at in life–proud even. But I want more, and I need more. I fantasize about the goals I have for myself, but where is the inspiration? The drive? Where is the ignition I need to actually catapult me into getting there?

Ace of Wands answers. It says all of the positive energy I need to create change surrounds me and now is the time to harness it. There is a certain enthusiasm that comes with the Ace of Wands. Being that it is linked with beginnings, it’s almost childlike. Which is often what we need to go after our dreams–a childlike innocence unafraid and uninhibited by our past failures. Ace of Wands is astrologically associated with all the fire signs in the zodiac, who love to say, “What better time than now?” I couldn’t agree more.

What is the overarching theme of my life?
The World.

            Okay, well. Duh. As a person who feels at home on planes and in airports, trapped at the thought of being (physically) grounded for too long, elated at the idea of being thrown into a new place to discover alone and a flight attendant who makes an actual living bouncing from city to city, hotel bed to hotel bed… Of course it’s The World.

The World is the final card in the Major arcana, number 21 (also not for nothing, my FAVORITE number is 21. This card is also astrologically associated with Saturn, which is of course, my most dominant planet. Can you tell this card is perfect for me? ANYWAYS!…). It’s an extremely positive card, flowing with joyful, victorious and successful energies. It denotes traveling, completion, achieving milestones and being recognized publicly for it.

While all of these things are wonderful and I feel grateful for having them as themes relating to my life, there is one meaning that resonates most with me. It’s a card that indicates benefitting from “living more mindfully and from the heart.” Since I started exploring my spirituality more, starting in late 2016, I’ve been on an upward trajectory. Don’t get me wrong; some really horrible things have happened since. I’ve been set back many times. I’ve been betrayed, hurt, abandoned and lied to; but my approaches to all of these challenges have evolved completely because I’m evolving.

The World outside of us reflects the World inside of us. Being on a journey of self-discovery keeps me positive, hopeful and always receptive to learning more. With confidence and gratitude, I will happily take on all the World lays out in front of me.

So, what do you need?

 

Photo by: Britt Juravich

for you. for me.

There are still so many ways in which I need to be more gentle and honest with myself. As much as I want to be better, to do better, to feel better, I still seek out things I know will hurt me. I’m guilty of buying into the lie that it’s easier confirm my own pain and trauma than to challenge it. This, of course, is an illusion. There is nothing easy about living in a loop of what’s damaged you and broken your trust, your spirit. But there is also nothing easy about breaking out of that loop. 

When we do confront our pain, the most common and intrusive thought is: what if we we’re not strong enough to fight it? But if we let fear paralyze us and we don’t get to the root of it, pain just grows deeper, winding vines around your veins and twisting knots into your stomach. When a wound roots inside of you it radiates out, finding its way into every little thing you do. It becomes a constant hum in the background. You almost forget it’s there—almost. I forgot it, until you ran your fingertips across my skin. Instead of feeling you, wonderful, glowing, magical you, I felt the hands of everyone who has carved out a piece of me and left.

Then again, what if we are strong enough? Let’s say we succeed in facing what digs at us. We embrace it, accept it and release it. We make room for the good things. We even get some of the good things. What if we do all of that only to relapse back into a behavior, a pattern, a place where all of the hurt comes hurdling back at us? The truth is, it might. This is always a possibility because healing isn’t linear. Going backwards isn’t a sign of failure. It’s temporary, and sometimes weirdly enough, it’s necessary.

Pain of all kinds has been on our minds lately. The pain of trauma, violation, violence, betrayal, powerlessness is all exacerbated by isolation. That is why I’m writing this post tonight. It isn’t long. It isn’t special. It’s not super enlightening. It’s definitely not my most poetic work. I just need you to know right now—especially now—that you are not alone, that I love you. I am willing to face your pain with you, and while I face mine, I hope you are with me. I need you with me. I want you with me. These are words you need to hear right now. These are words I need to hear right now. 

I love you, I love you, I love you.

And I am sorry that so many things are broken. But I believe in you and I believe in me.

And of all these broken things, you and I are not one of them. ❤️

light it up.


The minute I step foot into this city I can feel myself basking in the glowy magic that is New Orleans. Glowy, dirty, raw, ethereal magic. I thrive on it. Sipping hot coffee at one of my favorite spots, Café Beignet, I intended to ask my cards what I needed to know today. I had started my morning with an hour and a half long phone conversation with my mom. Talking to her always turns out to be more necessary than I think it is. So if you’re looking for a sign to call your mother, this is it. 

Call your mother.

Anyways, I had just finished explaining to her how much I’ve learned lately, specifically since the eclipse in mid-August. There’s a certain unshakable faith I have in myself that simply wasn’t present before.


If you’re someone who trusts easily and you don’t second guess yourself constantly, I’m proud of you. Seriously, I would like to bake you one of my famous triple chocolate cheesecakes and hang out sometime. I myself come from a world of self-doubt. I feel like I came out of the womb undercutting my own abilities, questioning everything & everyone, assuming their motives and often, assuming the worst. This has led so many times to my own self-destruction. It didn’t matter how much evidence I had that proved I was capable, that I was powerful, that I was already actually in possession of everything I needed to manifest my dreams. This negativity latched itself onto me. The negativity was born from and fed by low self-esteem and a lack of appreciation for who I was; who I am.


Over the past few years, with deep self-reflection, healing and a commitment to self-love no matter what flaws I perceived myself to have, that negativity no longer has a supply to feed off of. Spiritually, mentally and physically I am in the best place I’ve ever been, and by the grace of the Universe, I’m only improving. Financially, I guess I’m okay but I’d be better if I stopped buying SO many new clothes (I’m working on that! Haha… sort of).

So today, in this little café, with my faith in the Universe & head in the clouds I asked, “What do I need to know? What knowledge can I share with the people I love today?” And the Universe said, “You’ve come to an end, yes, but now you are at a new beginning. You are on the type of journey you’ve desired for a long time. In fact, you may not have even known until now how desperately you were searching for it. I will support you on this path. But you already knew that. You knew it because you trust me, and you feel it because you trust yourself. You have the abilities to take action on all you’ve learned. The course has been laid out for you, it’s up to you to travel down it. Begin.”


And I really hope you all just read that in Morgan Freeman’s voice, because that is what I imagined while writing it. So how do I know the Universe said this? Because I pulled the cards: Trust and the King of Wands.

“Trust” in John Holland’s Psychic Tarot for the Heart deck is representative of the Fool in the traditional Rider-Waite deck (the deck you most likely picture when someone mentions tarot). It’s numerological association is zero and it begins the Major Arcana. It’s the start to your journey. It’s feeling young, free, refreshed and invigorated by the thought of what’s to come ahead. Holland writes, “Trusting the Universe takes courage, but it also removes the burden of doing it all on your own… This card is a reminder that positive energy is available to you to manifest what you truly desire… This is a card of action and opportunity… Put aside any fear, disillusionment, frustration or hopelessness and open your heart to what you desire. Do it now with the carefree innocence you had as a child.” 

In conjunction with the King of Wands (who’s astrological associations with Leo actually speak to childlike qualities the Fool alludes to (Leo rules children)), it couldn’t be a more positive message. Wands are the suit of fire. The King of Wands burns brightly. He dazzles and inspires. As Liz Dean writes, “This is the right time to express your ideas and be the individual you are… The practical support you need will be there, but you need to be the initiator. What you do now reflects your truth. Don’t let perfectionism get in the way of your creativity—what you do is more than good enough.”


If this speaks to you, let it. Trust that the Universe supports your plans, but take responsibility for putting them into action. YOU are the King of Wands. You not only possess the passion to chase your wildest dreams, but you have the charisma to inspire others to go after theirs. You’d be doing yourself and everyone else a disservice by resisting this calling. Embrace this new direction. Trust yourself and others. Charge ahead. Light it up.

mindful magic.


Today I painted my room. It’s a light green, but greener than pictured here. Green has always been my favorite color. It was the color of my first high school prom dress. It’s the color of my mother’s eyes. It’s the color of healing, renewal, the heart chakra & the earth. On a not so deep level, it’s also the color of money, and I happen to like that too. Sue me.


As you can tell by the paint in my hair (try not to judge my skills too harshly), the last thing I am when it comes to DIY projects is neat. I get messy, all wrapped up in it and often, never finish. Actually, most times it’s a miracle I even start. Which gets me to today’s topic: purpose.

What is your purpose? Now, I don’t mean philosophically in terms of humanity & our existence as a whole, so don’t panic. What I mean is what is your purpose in reading this? How is this serving you? Are you in the moment? Or did you just click a link because you’ve been browsing your Facebook feed for hours on and off looking for something new and BAM! I’ve got it for you.

All I’m saying is, do things and actively think about them when you’re doing them. It’s the most basic principle of mindfulness. It sounds so simple, but how many times a day are you on autopilot? Going through the motions. Maybe if you thought more about what you were doing, you’d be more inclined to do things that bring you joy. Maybe you’d realize you are already doing things every day that bring you joy, you just haven’t taken the time to acknowledge that and be grateful for it.

“Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
Vietnamese Buddhist monk & zen master

Imagine, acknowledging something as simple as breathing. If that’s too heady for you, how about cooking your breakfast? “Frying eggs, I know that I am frying eggs.” Silly right?! Or does that one simple sentence lead to more?

I’m frying eggs because I have a roof over my head with a kitchen that I share with wonderful roommates, who encourage me, help me, accept me and love me. I have this food to eat because I paid for it by working a job that I love and fills me with a sense of freedom I didn’t know I’d ever be lucky enough to even taste. I’m going to eat these eggs to fuel my body. My body, who I have used and abused for so long. My body, who I always manage to find some fault with, even though it always comes through for me. Maybe I should be kinder to it, and be smarter about who I let near it. For all of these thoughts, I am grateful. And for all of these things, I am blessed.

See how easy it was to snowball into that?! And you thought frying eggs was no big deal.

I encourage you to use mindful magic to transform your everyday life. It’s certainly transforming mine. If you need inspiration or energy to transform, the planet Pluto stationed direct today. Pluto is the planet of transformation, intensity. It rules Scorpio who rules the 8th house which rules death, sex, taxes & the metaphysical. Scorpios who are always tearing everything down just to build it back up again because they are so full of that transformational Plutonian energy. I encourage you to harness this.

You don’t like it, darling? Demolish it. Build anew with purpose and see it through.