Tag: luck

nouveau départ

On By blsh2 Comments

Two fraternal scars decorate my inner ankles now. The left cut went deeper than the other—born at the same time but different. Both there all the same. I never wear those boots, but I wore them that day. As we walked around the lake you asked me if they were comfortable. A light question in a heavy conversation. Between our words the silences lingered markedly. With anyone else I would’ve said it was uncomfortable, but with us the silence is never necessarily unwanted. I’ll admit, my cards were held so close to my chest I wondered if the Queen of Diamonds would imprint onto my heart. Would that make me stronger? In truth, my only real longing was to reveal my hand—in blind faith, in devotion, in one last hope you’d reach out for it.

The material of the boots dug into me. Our feet trekked along the paved path, but where were we really?

I stared straight ahead.

I could barely look at you the entire day.

Did you notice that?

I sighed.

It was beautiful, all of it.

The lake, the birds, the people, the trees.

The way you and I were strewn out in pieces like it mattered; as if we had any chance of making this better, as if there had ever been anything to make better.

We always speak in so many words. I blame our Mercurial moons. There had never been anything to say. From the moment we met, what existed (what exists) between us was never meant to be talked about, it was meant to be felt. To be known.

And now, all we needed to do was hold each other, and then let go.

Hold, and let go.

Hold, and let go.

I wanted to stop walking, it hurt.

I wanted to stop talking, it hurt. I didn’t know it but this wound was still being made. We were picking at scabs that hadn’t even formed yet. So, you asked about my boots and I replied they were fine.

“Comfortable enough.”

All the while I was bleeding, the entire way through.

~~~

Present day

The nonfiction piece above is so different to look back on now. It is an echo of someone who was on the brink of a huge upheaval. This past me wanted so badly to focus all her attention on those around her because then she could avoid what was really happening. There was so much I was still learning, still healing, still struggling to accept. I didn’t want to see how hurt I was. How hurt I had felt my whole life and continued to let myself feel. The pain I felt had a root so much deeper than my present situation. That situation, like so many before it, was a sad symptom of many larger issues I needed to admit. Issues of self worth, self-respect, boundaries. Most of all my issues of expressing my needs/desires/truth and knowing when to leave when they didn’t align with certain people. While I had been diving into this work prior, all of 2019 forced me to realize how much deeper into myself I needed to go.

I needed to see all for what it was, and decide where I would go from there. I needed to realize control isn’t a part of the equation, but acceptance is most certainly the answer. I needed to stop surrendering my personal power and with it responsibility for myself. It had become natural for me to hand my power over to circumstance when what I really needed was to embody it, believe in it, embrace it, celebrate it.

This power. My power.

Power of perspective. Power of choice. Power of forgiveness. Power of acceptance. Power of humility. Power of radical honesty. Power of unconditional love.

Now, I can say I know I am doing my best. I am weaving a life full of equal parts messy and joyful moments. It is both a dream and a sobering reality. I am standing here, in my power, still with two fraternal scars but they have faded, and I am grateful. I am right where I am supposed to be. All of my glorious failures as well as my successes have contributed to this. I am ecstatic to be Here. I am so in love with all of it—the hurt, the ecstasy, the epiphanies, the quiet, the growing pains, the fluidity, the irony, the belonging, the questioning, the inner knowing, the solitude, the confusion, the release, and most of all—the roaring, unending wilderness of possibility.

I’ve held on tightly for all of my life to so many people, places and things. I was desperately reaching. I was trying to get a handle on something not one thing outside of myself could give. I didn’t understand, but I do now. The peace I long for is with me. I experience it in moments. I let the healing wash over and accept the work may never be completely done. But moving in this direction feels right, and I like that.

Hold, and let go.

Hold all in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Let all go in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Whatever stays is none of my business, but where I choose to stay is ALL of my business.

And I choose to follow my heart, to be led by my Soul, to trust in the Grander scheme. I must accept the risk that comes with such a choice, and I do, humbly. Don’t get me wrong—I’m far from alone in this. I am surrounded by miraculously supportive, loving beings. And while I know this is my path regardless, that fact makes this choice much easier. So thank you. You all know who you are, Family and Friends. I am lucky to be loved by you and to love you. I do not take you for granted for a second.

So here goes.

To something different. To living in authenticity. To discovering a higher Truth. To pursuing my Personal Legend. To allowing my heart to want what it wants and listening to it—wholly & presently—so I may embrace the untamed, magical life I am creating. To letting go, so I can more fully receive.

And So it is.

lucky

On By blshLeave a comment

I was thinking about how I’ve never felt lucky. Ever since I can remember, it’s always seemed like life has forced me to take the long way around. It’s true, I’ve had a lot of wonderful things happen to me. I’ve actually, quite literally, experienced what it’s like to have a dream come true. But it has always—always—come at the expense of something else. And when that’s how life has dealt with you, when a good thing

comes, you are always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath you. Where’s the loophole? Where’s the mistake? How did I misread it all this time? This way of thinking is completely unproductive. It fosters an environment of anxiety, self-doubt, low self-esteem. And to be honest, it’s an environment I don’t belong in. We don’t belong in. You see, I’ve never felt lucky, and maybe you haven’t either, but the truth is when good things happen to us, accept them. Celebrate them! We deserve them. We deserve good things. We put up with enough shit. When the good things happen—bask in them.

Luck was on my mind all day today (being that it is St. Patrick’s Day). I decided to pull a tarot card. Feeling unlucky, confused and worn, guess what I pulled? Strength. Strength is the eleventh card in the major arcana in the deck I used (in some it is number 8). If you’ve read my last post you know 11 has very much so made its presence known in my life lately. But besides that, the message I pulled overall from the Strength card is patience. Strength isn’t brute force. It isn’t barreling through obstacles, destroying carelessly whoever and whatever is in your path. Strength is accepting who you are. It’s accepting where you are at, and having the patience and determination to get to where you want to be. Strength is setting goals and accepting that when you are setback it is not the end of the world, it’s a process. Strength is knowing when to keep the door open, and when to close it. Strength is knowing luck plays a very minimal factor in where you end up, and acknowledging that your personal choices play a major one.

Sure, we’re lucky in many ways. But what are you choosing to do with what you’ve been given? What are you letting hold you back simply because you don’t think you’re equipped to handle it? Let me tell you, you are. Strength calls for leadership. Don’t fall into the background of your own life. This is your story, your dream.

I also challenge you to make a more difficult assessment of your own life. Are you surrounding yourself with people who make you feel strong? Do they build you up? Do they remind you of what you have to offer? Do they tell you they’re proud of you when you’ve accomplished something? Do they emphasize to you what you’re worth? If they don’t, perhaps it’s time to seek out those who are more uplifting, those who see what you see in them. Of course there are times when we need to be strong for others where they cannot for nothing in return. And unfortunately, people are not always able to tell us they need us to be strong for them. They don’t want to be seen as weak, vulnerable or dependent. Our ability to still support them without agenda comes from our own strength and unconditional love (for both ourselves and them).

The bottom line—I am lucky. You are lucky. If we have even one person who sticks by us in our lowest hour—at our weakest—to be our strength, how could we not be blessed? And sometimes, that person is ourselves. We shake the dust and keep going. We accept the unexpected, the unfair, the unrequited and the uncalled for.

We smile.

We laugh.

And we make our own goddamn luck.