Tag: fire

wisdom from the lioness

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I don’t want to be you.

Even though you are a miracle.

You are kind, intelligent, humble, magnetic and beautiful. You are unique and mysterious. You are radiant and loving, you draw magic toward you like a bumblebee to the most technicolor flower. And still, I do not want to be you.

You are admired, revered and respected. You are warm and inviting. The people closest to you trust you with their lives and your’s with them. You touch the lives of strangers in the smallest, simplest moments that you’ll never remember but they could never forget. Your life is filled with both shadow and light, and you gracefully balance the two, learning to walk in each. You heal. You inspire. You create. You love fully, and you are loved in return. And I repeat, I do not want to be you.

There is a time I would’ve wanted that. I would’ve wondered how I could be just like you. I would’ve wondered what my soul was missing. I would’ve looked for it in everyone surrounding me, and come up short. I would’ve berated myself for not being all you are.

There is a time where I would’ve given anything to be someone else—to be you. But that was before.

Before I woke up. Before I experienced unconditional love for the first time. Before I knew what it felt like to have an ‘enemy’ become a loving, supportive friend. Before I found myself on the path to meeting who I truly am.

Dear One, I do not wish to be you because I am all of those things already myself. I wish to uplift you, to celebrate you, to support you. I love you as I love myself. Look at us—we are magnificent.

“Confidence isn’t thinking you are better than anyone else, it’s realizing that you have no reason to compare yourself to anyone else.” — Maryam Hasnaa

Welcome to Leo season. The season of Self. The season of basking in the spotlight. The season of leading with your Heart. The season of using your glow to light up the worlds of others. It’s time to be proud, to go forward, to play with possibility and pounce on the opportunities that appear before us. I am bubbling with the joy of it all.

Do you feel it? Are you with me? Let us visit each other’s Kingdoms, arms overflowing with gifts to give and the trust & humility to receive. What a beautiful day for you to be you, and me to be me.

the eleventh hour.

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When I write love poems it feels like they belong to some wild combination of every lover I’ve ever had and those I’ve yet to meet or even imagine. I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe this has a lot to do with my Venus in Sagittarius in the 11th House with Scorpio on the cusp. The planet Venus of course ruling our love and relationships, sits in Sagittarius in my chart. Sagittarius being the fiery archer who shoots first and asks questions later, led by a higher faith and devotion, sometimes to a fault. Both the student and teacher, Venus in Sagittarius has molded me into a lover of learning, expansion and growth in all forms of relationship. Sagittarius trusts and embodies it’s truth, knowing embarking on a voyage in the basis of that truth will always be a journey worth taking.

It all lives in my 11th House. The 11th House is ruled by Aquarius. The house of the collective, friendship, innovation. It is a house of our highest hopes and biggest dreams. It shelters our wishes before flinging them forward into the world in vibrant anticipation. It’s the house that reminds us of the importance of how we are all interconnected. Mix that with Scorpio in the 11th house and it becomes an intense, transformative desire for deep relationships/friendships, trying to fulfill an emotional depth (but after deep self-reflection I’ve realized this is a depth I can only fill myself).

When I reflect on my poetry and try to pinpoint it to one person, it’s hard to do. I can be inspired by a particular situation, but once the words come out it’s like they weave through the spiralic timeline of my life, reaching out and caressing each soul who has ever touched my life and ever will. I am grateful for this expansive view of love. I am curious as to where it is leading my adventurous heart next.

How closely have you looked at the planets/placements in your chart? In what ways do they act as your muses, informing your creativity?

The next 11 poems/prose range from 2015 to now in no particular order. I didn’t pick that number by the way. It just ended up being that many I chose to share. Love it. (11:11). This is a glimpse into what my heart looks like in evolution. Ever changing. Thank you.

1.

You break my heart always

at the same time of year

the delicate in between

of winter and spring

spring buds and blooms

winter frosts and consumes

it’s a war

that I can no longer bare to watch

I know the warmth is coming

I am tired of having to learn this way

2.

come speak in stars with me

our mouths housing entire constellations

planets dripping from our tongues

where every word echoes

of some distant universe,

pulling us into its gravity

how could I communicate

with you

in any other way

than through the heavens

3.

It’s always a mourning process.

A morning,

process.

Purging you from my bed.

I see no trace of you

on the white linen

But I feel remnants of you

within the threads.

4.

You see
I am trying to forget

every smile,
your lips slightly tugging at the corners of your mouth
every freckle,
I counted when you laid asleep next to me
every brush of fingertips
when we reached for the same thing

When did we stop reaching for the same thing?

You see
I am trying to forget

the lights reflecting off river water
how your hands shook
until they met my waist
the way you pushed your hair back
just slightly out of your face

You see
I am trying to forget 

all the ways you said I love you
be it in this alphabet or another

You see
I am trying to remember

how beautiful I am
how the curves of my body never need to meld again to yours
for me to feel love

You see
I am trying to remember

how gentle I am with lovers hearts
and how rough I’ve been with my own
I’m asking for it to forgive me

You see
I am trying to remember

what I deserve
how to center myself
how I am full

I didn’t depend on you,
I just simply wanted
you

I ask, 
“When did it stop?”
“Where did it go?”
You tell me you do not know

And I too, 
wish I couldn’t recall

5.

In my eyes,
everything is short term. 

My existence is less than 
a quick glance between forbidden lovers.

But I remember standing by the river,
laughing in between kisses,
bodies slightly shivering 
from a midnight summer breeze,
or maybe just nerves.

Meeting you,
standing next to you,
laughing with you,
kissing you,
holding you,

has made me believe in infinity.

6.

Straddling your lap, your hand in my hair, breath hot, your laugh, my smirk, color rising to my cheeks. That is when you tasted sweet. We were ripe for love. Now we sit on opposite ends of the couch, rotting.

7.

Looking back on it, I should’ve squeezed my thighs around your head harder. I never caused you nearly as much pain as I did pleasure. But you paid me back in both.

8.

I like boys who taste like winter.
his fingertips venture across my exposed skin. 
with each touch, I feel a chill, a spark,
a bite.
he makes the tip of my nose pink and the color rise in my cheeks.
he whispers, you are not delicate.
I wonder how he knows, but I do not need to wonder long.
because winter is harsh, unyielding,
callous.
yet here I am, waiting.
the next avalanche will come.
it will not bury me.
he’s right, I am not delicate; I have conjured storms too.
there are worlds within ourselves that the other must never touch,
but we do so anyway.
enveloping each other in brumal wrath,
bare skinned, 
bare boned.
I fear we may shatter when we touch.
and then,
like an early spring melts the soiled snow, 
his lips soften when they mold to mine.
and I 
feel
warm.

9.

holding you is like the fluttering of tired eyelids

light

and heavy, all at once

an irresistible surrender I can’t help giving into

together, we dream

together, we create

entire worlds neither of us could’ve imagined alone

when I wake I fear I will not remember,

so half asleep I reach for you,

instinctively you pull me closer

I can hear you

humming in your sleep,

whispering my name

over & over & over & over

I think to myself,

“no, no,

I could never forget this”

10.

I love the way you lure the laughter out of my mouth.

a symphonic composition,

you tell me, “this is a soundtrack we could build a life to.”

with the slightest movement of your hand you conduct the desire through me.

I follow you, in time, matching heartbeat to heartbeat.

how long until it stops?

“shhh,” you whisper as if you’ve read my mind.

you probably have.

“stay, here in it, with me.”

I nod, I smile,

here comes that laughter again.

my entire being shouting,

encore,

encore,

encore.

11.

I’m not sure what Heaven is like

but I imagine

it’s reminiscent of the way you’d quietly open my bedroom door,

shedding all your winter layers

in the effervescent glow of my television.

slipping under the sheets,

curving your body around mine.

your longing for me

pouring out of your skin.

a sacred transference.

an eternal unity.

a primordial inner calling,

much older than us, taking over.

unable to sense any separation,

we’d ascend as a soulful ensemble

in a loving, all-knowing safety.

I imagine Heaven

is something like that.

pretty spots.

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“Just know that all is good and you are a warrior. I have seen you blossom into a wonderful jaguar queen and you are fully capable of dragging some idiot by the neck up a tree, and they are lucky you choose to just show your pretty spots most of the time.”

I remember exactly how I felt when a friend of mine told me that. It made me feel stronger during a time of unexpected heartbreak. I laughed. But now, more than ever, I know this to be true. As we continue on into Leo season, basking in the light the Sun-ruled sign shines upon us, let us remember not only our own strength but the strength of those around us. Do not mistake someone’s kindness for weakness. It is great and important to harness our Alpha energy at times, to be a leader—it is a gift, and not something all people do well. We are all still learning to lead without selfishness. But who can trust a leader that alienates its Pride? Pride has two meanings here—a pack of lions, but also our own personal pride. Pride has a place. We should be proud of ourselves, for our accomplishments, our work, our growth, our ability to persevere. But what’s any of that worth if we’ve burned so many bridges to get there?

In tarot the Strength card is associated with Leo and the number 8. The card depicts a woman holding (either open or closed) a lion’s jaw. She is in alignment with the animal. She radiates a calmness that comes from within, lacking any fear of taking on the beast. There is almost an understanding between them, a type of respect. This is a respect I encourage you to remember as you come head to head with situations and people fired up by eclipse season & our current retrograde planets. We are in the middle of a massive clean out within us and around us. We are being challenged to look inward and break cycles that are endless loops, leaving us feeling empty and taken advantage of. Remove your focus from releasing a person to releasing the cycle. We have no power or control over other people. We only have control over our actions. By refusing to react or participate in their toxicity, we are able to leave behind what does not serve us in the highest. For if we eliminate a toxic cycle, a toxic relationship cannot survive. Either the relationship will evolve or it will naturally disintegrate. Whichever way it goes, this only brings you closer to alignment and your highest good. Once you are able to break a cycle, you can detach, grow and do your best to ensure you do not recreate it with a different person. Let that karmic lesson be learned and move forward. This takes strength of mind, body and spirit.

But my message to you today is less about releasing and more about nourishing. I encourage you to nourish the relationships around you with the people who make you feel strong. The people who align with your spirit and bring your light from the inside out. The ones who recognize your strength where others only see “pretty spots.” The ones who do not mistake your kindness for weakness, and know your warmth, empathy and willingness to forgive is a form of courage. Tell these people you love them, because releasing such heavy energy, as we have been for the past month or so, is isolating. We forget about our pack; our pride; our support system. Remember, you are loved. Leo rules the heart. Reconnect with yours. Sit outside, eyes closed, in the sun. Envision a loving green light radiating from within and around you (green rules the heart chakra). Send this loving light to the people you care for.

I want to link you to an article I read today which resonated with me. It’s about Lionsgate (August 8th) and for me it was eerie how close the message was to my own meditation on the energy I’ve been feeling at the time. Linked here: http://foreverconscious.com/lionsgate-portal-august-2018

I would love to hear more from anyone about what they’ve been feeling lately/where they’re at. This matters. This is important. Let the energy guide you, transform you and lift you.

illuminations.

On By blsh3 Comments

For two weeks I’ve woke up to the thought: “I need to do a reading and write a post today.” But the days kept passing, I didn’t pull any cards & I didn’t write a word. But this afternoon I thought, “I’m ready to do a reading and I want to write a poem.” Not even a poem, really. Just words. I’ve always hesitated to call anything I do poetry. Real talk? That’s just a personal insecurity. It’s a fear-based thought. I think to myself, “How can anything I write ever be beautiful enough to be considered poetic?” Then, I wake up out of that messy, low-self esteem, self-sabotaging daze and I realize: my entire goddamn existence is poetic. And so is yours. If you’ve forgotten & needed a reminder–this is it.

There are levels to the messages when reading tarot. Some of them we often don’t even realize at the time of a reading. It comes later, when we’re standing in the checkout line or folding laundry. I find we have our most extraordinary revelations doing ordinary things. That’s not by accident. So, my few words here won’t cover as deep as the meanings run with these cards, but maybe it can pull something out of you.

Long story short, I decided to bang out some shitty unedited free verse while meditating on these images.

My advice? Do what you need to do to revive your creativity when you feel it losing its breath. It’ll thank you.

The Sun.

to feel the warmth on my face,

revitalization

you gift me with your energy

all of it, radiating

from my fingertips

outstretched like rays

I reach for us,

glowing,

growing

I feel you underneath my skin,

soaking in, you stay

like the tan lines that still linger

on my body in deep winter

we laugh basking in light

ablaze,

even as we fade

I still feel the heat, eternal

between us

9 of cups.

so tell me,

if the Sun is the closest star to us,

if it’s light gives Earth life

why are we sending our wishes out so far?

I must have asked the Sun for you

not Sirius or Polaris

you came from the Sun

that is the only way this could feel

this good, this fast

I pour myself into you when you come

just like I poured out into the heavens,

waiting for you to arrive

here you are,

there you go

8 of cups.

and there I go,

the Moon comes out to wrap herself

around the Sun,

a crescent of comfort

she shows me parts of myself,

of you, of us

that I couldn’t see in daylight

I do not regret wishing for you

I do not curse the Sun for bringing you

I do not hate the Moon for revealing you

I am grateful for knowing

when to leave and when to stay

like Orpheus leading Eurydice,

I cannot look back

I am honored to love struggle

into stride

but mostly,

I am in love with knowing that if I go,

and you are mine, you will follow

someday, I know

you’ll catch up.

earth. air. water. fire.

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What better way to celebrate Halloween than with a Tarot reading!? For those of you who don’t have much knowledge about Tarot, here is a basic description of the deck: Tarot has the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana. The Minor Arcana are split into four suits which are associated with the four elements; pentacles (earth), swords (air), cups (water) and wands (fire). The Major Arcana are probably the cards you’re most familiar with/used to seeing in pop culture when Tarot is mentioned, like The Fool, Death, The Devil, The Lovers, etc. Today I did an exercise where I split the four suits and Major Arcana up. I pulled from each of the individual decks to answer these five questions:

  1. What does my body (pentacles/earth) need?
  2. What does my mind (swords/air) need?
  3. What does my heart (cups/water) need?
  4. What does my inner fire (wands/fire) need?
  5. What is the overarching theme (Major Arcana) of my life?

It was a really fun, enlightening reading. Readings like these are a great way to get to know the deck more because you get one of each suit. I started reading Tarot on my own in January, but I still feel new to it. Each time I do a reading for myself or someone else, the cards reveal themselves to me in a fresh & unique way. This is also an easy spread for anyone who’s a beginner. Below is my own analysis of my reading. However, I’d love to hear any interpretations others may have, or if you try it yourself I’d love to know the results of your own reading (if you’re open to sharing)!

What does my body need?
Six of Pentacles.

            Associated with Moon in Taurus, 6 of Pentacles speaks to our possessions. It can often denote that money is coming. It could be an inheritance, award or a gift. Much like how a person with Moon in Taurus craves security through stable material wealth, a nest egg, the 6 of Pentacles shows something coming that will help you achieve that stability for your future. As Liz Dean writes, it’s a card that “brings genuine support.”

Knowing this & knowing I asked about what my body needs, the message I gather is my body needs to be treated as a gift. For the majority of my life, I was cruel to my body. Over the past few years, especially with the growth of the body positivity movement, I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. That’s not to say I don’t still have issues with my body dysmorphia. But lately, any fitness goals I have for myself come from a place of love. Instead of wanting to be smaller, I want to be stronger. Instead of wanting to be beautiful, I want to have a healthy glow. Instead of wanting someone else’s body, I want to want mine, as it is and for what it will be.

My body’s abilities enable me to live the blessed life I do have. These feet travel the world and my eyes see the wonders of it. My ears hear the laughter of my loved ones, and my mouth tells them how much I love them when they need to hear it most. My body will someday bear a child, and to that child this body will be home, like the arms of my mother are for me. The love I put into my body is the love it will award back to me. What a miracle. I vow to treat these bones & flesh as such.

What does my mind need?
Four of Swords.

            The 4 of Swords calls for rest. To say this year (especially since the eclipse in August) has been challenging would be an understatement. The 4 of Swords knows what you’ve been through, and it asks you to give yourself time to recuperate.

In regards to what my mind needs, the Linestrider Tarot says, “There will be battles in the future but you must take time to mend, sharpen and recover… Create space to think, dream, and heal while taking a break from the thoughts and demands of others.” This card isn’t hard to interpret. Quite literally, I need to quiet my mind, convalesce and give myself some self-care and solitude. All of this will aid me in building a sturdier foundation–a clear mind to make important life decisions approaching me.

Also fun fact: 4 of Swords is astrological association is Jupiter in Libra, which is actually my Jupiter placement! (If you haven’t calculated your birth chart yet, I highly suggest looking into it. Also feel free to contact me to discuss it!)

What does my heart need?
Seven of Cups.

            I am a dreamer, and my heart is prone to illusions and fantasy. With my Venus placement in Sagittarius, the fiery Archer, I shoot first and think later. Nowhere is too far and no one is out of my reach. Grand gestures are my favorite thing to give and receive. Love conquers all and so will we. I go big or go home with my affections, and to be honest… Lately, it hasn’t served me well. As the Linestrider Tarot reads, “The 7 of Cups celebrates the dreamer who is able to see the possibilities and excitement as well as difficulties in the future… What area of your life needs less illusion and more action?” It’s a card about the dangerous of too much fantasy, of grand illusions. Linestrider also warns that this card appears to warn us of a certain blindness we may have toward our own faults and unrealistic expectations.

My heart has had many expectations, and the expectations it has often don’t align with what the people it chooses to pursue are willing to give. What does my heart need? To reflect, to look inward and see the illusions it’s built up around romantic love and around certain people. This doesn’t mean to stop being a dreamer or a romantic. It’s asking me to stop standing in my own way. I can’t appreciate the beauty of reality because I’m so stuck on the delusion of a fantasy. In what ways have I failed myself and others in love? How can I improve myself to attract the love I desire? How can I learn to act from a place of unconditional love and not fear? I need to stop putting people on pedestals they never asked to be on and blaming them when they fall off. I need to see things as they are, feel them as they are and work with that to manifest the relationship that’s aligned with my highest good.

What does my inner fire need?
Ace of Wands.

            An ace starts the suit. It’s the beginning. The singular. The one. The message here is clear: my inner fire needs a jumpstart, a jolt, fuel to set it ablaze again. My inner fire was smothered, extinguished by complacency. It’s true, I am happy where I am at in life–proud even. But I want more, and I need more. I fantasize about the goals I have for myself, but where is the inspiration? The drive? Where is the ignition I need to actually catapult me into getting there?

Ace of Wands answers. It says all of the positive energy I need to create change surrounds me and now is the time to harness it. There is a certain enthusiasm that comes with the Ace of Wands. Being that it is linked with beginnings, it’s almost childlike. Which is often what we need to go after our dreams–a childlike innocence unafraid and uninhibited by our past failures. Ace of Wands is astrologically associated with all the fire signs in the zodiac, who love to say, “What better time than now?” I couldn’t agree more.

What is the overarching theme of my life?
The World.

            Okay, well. Duh. As a person who feels at home on planes and in airports, trapped at the thought of being (physically) grounded for too long, elated at the idea of being thrown into a new place to discover alone and a flight attendant who makes an actual living bouncing from city to city, hotel bed to hotel bed… Of course it’s The World.

The World is the final card in the Major arcana, number 21 (also not for nothing, my FAVORITE number is 21. This card is also astrologically associated with Saturn, which is of course, my most dominant planet. Can you tell this card is perfect for me? ANYWAYS!…). It’s an extremely positive card, flowing with joyful, victorious and successful energies. It denotes traveling, completion, achieving milestones and being recognized publicly for it.

While all of these things are wonderful and I feel grateful for having them as themes relating to my life, there is one meaning that resonates most with me. It’s a card that indicates benefitting from “living more mindfully and from the heart.” Since I started exploring my spirituality more, starting in late 2016, I’ve been on an upward trajectory. Don’t get me wrong; some really horrible things have happened since. I’ve been set back many times. I’ve been betrayed, hurt, abandoned and lied to; but my approaches to all of these challenges have evolved completely because I’m evolving.

The World outside of us reflects the World inside of us. Being on a journey of self-discovery keeps me positive, hopeful and always receptive to learning more. With confidence and gratitude, I will happily take on all the World lays out in front of me.

So, what do you need?

 

Photo by: Britt Juravich