Tag: fate

fireflies.

On By blshLeave a comment

I think my favorite time of day in the summer is the sticky sweet middle of a hot afternoon. It was one of those afternoons when I ordered a Lyft in downtown Nashville. The driver rolled up and said, “No, no don’t sit in the back. Come on up to the front seat.” Usually I’d respond with something like, “Thanks, but I’ll just sit back here,” but his kind eyes beckoned me to take the seat beside him. This man had a story to tell. We all do, but we’re not all storytellers. Some of us keep ours to ourselves, or maybe just share with those we love. Others are called to share theirs with the rest of the world. I think storytellers recognize other storytellers before they ever even open their mouths, before they ever pick up a pen. Sure enough, as soon as I closed the door he began recounting the odyssey of his life. His struggle with drug abuse. The failure of his first marriage. The complete and total loss of himself.

And then, the Revival.

Now, he was a pastor at a local church. Assistant pastor actually—his wife led the congregation. He told me about her journey to hell and back with her abusive first marriage. She’d even written a book. Honestly, I’m not positive why I’m writing this entry. All I know is I think about this encounter often. I think about the peaceful expression that came over him when he told me about meeting his current wife. I think about how I could see the pride practically bursting out of his chest when he told me about her book and her work for their community. The way he smiled and laughed when he described this woman who had awakened his entire heart. I told him I hoped to be as lucky as them both one day. He said, “If you want a good man, pray for him.” Simple advice, but not my style. By this point in 2017, I’d embarked on this current spiritual path, but I was still weary about “praying” and what that meant or looked like to me.

I’ll hand it to him though. There was something about the way he said it. I believed him. Granted, ever since I began “praying” for things I’ve been met with what feels like multiple ego deaths and devastating revelation after revelation. In love, I especially seem to have attracted a string of messy lovers with no shortage of lessons to be taught between us. They appear suddenly and fade out just as quickly. Kind of like fireflies. Sure you could catch them, try to keep them. But that’s not where they belong. It feels so much better to let the experience be what it is. Sitting out in the field enveloped in the glow of dusk, the lights of the fireflies blinking in and out of view, until one lands on your arm. It tickles. It makes you laugh. You’ve been chosen. It’s gone as quickly as it came, but it brings a smile to your face nonetheless.

So yes, I’ve had a lot of fireflies. Each one with a different light to share. Exposing my darkest parts, deepest wounds, awakening me to the medicine I need to successfully integrate those pieces of me. The medicine has come in many forms–boundaries, meditation, unconditional love, compassion, detachment, self-worth, and so much more. Each one of them a step closer to a prayer answered.

To be honest, I’m not sure how invested I am with that specific prayer being answered anymore. The further I walk, the more expansive love becomes. These structures we’ve placed upon it just don’t seem to fit as well anymore for me, or any human I know. It’s not about the external, it’s internal. But that’s the point of the journey right? It starts with self. My love for myself. My willingness to face myself. My willingness to heal myself. My ability to forgive myself. So even still, I pray–for many people and many things–and “I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.” (Thanks for that, Practical Magic). I know it all leads me not closer to meeting another, but to meeting myself. And when I do pray for love, I don’t pray for love to come into my life. I am already surrounded by it. I was born of it and it lives within me. So I pray for my soulmates to come into themselves, to rise into their highest, to have compassion for their lowest, to find their freedom, their mission, their calling, and to sprint toward it. Or walk. Whatever timing their journey calls for. So when we cross paths in this lifetime, we will, as ever-evolving beings.

Anyway, life is good. And frustrating. And surprising. And painful. And inspiring. And confusing. And satisfying. You don’t need me to tell you that. I think my favorite part about this journey is realizing how NOT unique my experience is. I am not separate from you. I feel more full, more myself than I have possibly ever. I have more offerings to give than words. I am planting the seeds mindfully. I’m here for any of you. If you want to talk of alchemy, love, loss, prayer, grief, healing, anything. Or if you just want someone with you in the silence. This is all to say–allow others the gift of illuminating what you cannot see. Trust it. Trust yourself.

And so it is.

a sailor’s prayer.

On By blshLeave a comment

My intention was to love you. This is my intention with every person, with every connection I make. I love. What differs is the way that love manifests and blooms into existence. It’s different every time. Sometimes it changes with people over time, but it is always love, and it needs no explanation. “One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” When we meet someone we have an idea of where our intended love will go. We’ll make choices and decisions based upon steering our love in the direction we desire. We visualize an outcome. This isn’t abnormal or even necessarily a bad thing. Visualization is healthy and helpful. There are some ways that intention can be insidious, but that has everything to do with the person doing the work and where they are in their healing process. Is their intention truly to love unconditionally? Or is it an escape out of loneliness? Is it actually a need for validation? Is it a vain attempt to numb a wound rather than heal it?

With you, I released the need to steer the ship. I decided the waves knew better how to get me to land. To an island with a jungle that’s lush and dense, so green it feels like you never even knew the true meaning of the color. Until now. A never-ending paradise abundant with life and nourishment. Of course, all jungles have dark, dangerous places too. But with love guiding me, I do not fear getting twisted up in the vines. Once I relax, release, the fear releases me too. I slip from the danger into a place of gratitude. The darkest parts of ourselves have a greater need to be seen than the lightest. This is where the deepest healing is. See me, it begs. This tests love, and love withstands.

So, I let go of the wheel of my ship and let it spin. Carried softly by salt and foam to whatever place is meant for me this time, I trust the motion. And while I could look at the night sky and consult the stars for an idea of where I’m going, it is more fun not to know.

Love.

Love.

Love.

My intention is to love you. It can blossom in any way it wants to, and that way will feel right. I stand securely and happily, with an open heart and open eyes. Love is a compass leading me home, “a little lighter, a little brighter.”

pretty spots.

On By blshLeave a comment

“Just know that all is good and you are a warrior. I have seen you blossom into a wonderful jaguar queen and you are fully capable of dragging some idiot by the neck up a tree, and they are lucky you choose to just show your pretty spots most of the time.”

I remember exactly how I felt when a friend of mine told me that. It made me feel stronger during a time of unexpected heartbreak. I laughed. But now, more than ever, I know this to be true. As we continue on into Leo season, basking in the light the Sun-ruled sign shines upon us, let us remember not only our own strength but the strength of those around us. Do not mistake someone’s kindness for weakness. It is great and important to harness our Alpha energy at times, to be a leader—it is a gift, and not something all people do well. We are all still learning to lead without selfishness. But who can trust a leader that alienates its Pride? Pride has two meanings here—a pack of lions, but also our own personal pride. Pride has a place. We should be proud of ourselves, for our accomplishments, our work, our growth, our ability to persevere. But what’s any of that worth if we’ve burned so many bridges to get there?

In tarot the Strength card is associated with Leo and the number 8. The card depicts a woman holding (either open or closed) a lion’s jaw. She is in alignment with the animal. She radiates a calmness that comes from within, lacking any fear of taking on the beast. There is almost an understanding between them, a type of respect. This is a respect I encourage you to remember as you come head to head with situations and people fired up by eclipse season & our current retrograde planets. We are in the middle of a massive clean out within us and around us. We are being challenged to look inward and break cycles that are endless loops, leaving us feeling empty and taken advantage of. Remove your focus from releasing a person to releasing the cycle. We have no power or control over other people. We only have control over our actions. By refusing to react or participate in their toxicity, we are able to leave behind what does not serve us in the highest. For if we eliminate a toxic cycle, a toxic relationship cannot survive. Either the relationship will evolve or it will naturally disintegrate. Whichever way it goes, this only brings you closer to alignment and your highest good. Once you are able to break a cycle, you can detach, grow and do your best to ensure you do not recreate it with a different person. Let that karmic lesson be learned and move forward. This takes strength of mind, body and spirit.

But my message to you today is less about releasing and more about nourishing. I encourage you to nourish the relationships around you with the people who make you feel strong. The people who align with your spirit and bring your light from the inside out. The ones who recognize your strength where others only see “pretty spots.” The ones who do not mistake your kindness for weakness, and know your warmth, empathy and willingness to forgive is a form of courage. Tell these people you love them, because releasing such heavy energy, as we have been for the past month or so, is isolating. We forget about our pack; our pride; our support system. Remember, you are loved. Leo rules the heart. Reconnect with yours. Sit outside, eyes closed, in the sun. Envision a loving green light radiating from within and around you (green rules the heart chakra). Send this loving light to the people you care for.

I want to link you to an article I read today which resonated with me. It’s about Lionsgate (August 8th) and for me it was eerie how close the message was to my own meditation on the energy I’ve been feeling at the time. Linked here: http://foreverconscious.com/lionsgate-portal-august-2018

I would love to hear more from anyone about what they’ve been feeling lately/where they’re at. This matters. This is important. Let the energy guide you, transform you and lift you.

illuminations.

On By blsh3 Comments

For two weeks I’ve woke up to the thought: “I need to do a reading and write a post today.” But the days kept passing, I didn’t pull any cards & I didn’t write a word. But this afternoon I thought, “I’m ready to do a reading and I want to write a poem.” Not even a poem, really. Just words. I’ve always hesitated to call anything I do poetry. Real talk? That’s just a personal insecurity. It’s a fear-based thought. I think to myself, “How can anything I write ever be beautiful enough to be considered poetic?” Then, I wake up out of that messy, low-self esteem, self-sabotaging daze and I realize: my entire goddamn existence is poetic. And so is yours. If you’ve forgotten & needed a reminder–this is it.

There are levels to the messages when reading tarot. Some of them we often don’t even realize at the time of a reading. It comes later, when we’re standing in the checkout line or folding laundry. I find we have our most extraordinary revelations doing ordinary things. That’s not by accident. So, my few words here won’t cover as deep as the meanings run with these cards, but maybe it can pull something out of you.

Long story short, I decided to bang out some shitty unedited free verse while meditating on these images.

My advice? Do what you need to do to revive your creativity when you feel it losing its breath. It’ll thank you.

The Sun.

to feel the warmth on my face,

revitalization

you gift me with your energy

all of it, radiating

from my fingertips

outstretched like rays

I reach for us,

glowing,

growing

I feel you underneath my skin,

soaking in, you stay

like the tan lines that still linger

on my body in deep winter

we laugh basking in light

ablaze,

even as we fade

I still feel the heat, eternal

between us

9 of cups.

so tell me,

if the Sun is the closest star to us,

if it’s light gives Earth life

why are we sending our wishes out so far?

I must have asked the Sun for you

not Sirius or Polaris

you came from the Sun

that is the only way this could feel

this good, this fast

I pour myself into you when you come

just like I poured out into the heavens,

waiting for you to arrive

here you are,

there you go

8 of cups.

and there I go,

the Moon comes out to wrap herself

around the Sun,

a crescent of comfort

she shows me parts of myself,

of you, of us

that I couldn’t see in daylight

I do not regret wishing for you

I do not curse the Sun for bringing you

I do not hate the Moon for revealing you

I am grateful for knowing

when to leave and when to stay

like Orpheus leading Eurydice,

I cannot look back

I am honored to love struggle

into stride

but mostly,

I am in love with knowing that if I go,

and you are mine, you will follow

someday, I know

you’ll catch up.

it didn’t happen for a reason.

On By blsh1 Comment

The belief that everything happens for a reason surrenders your own transformational power. Seeking comfort and reassurance from outside sources is helpful, and often necessary for us as social beings. But to be truly comforted and achieve an inner strength that easily weathers ups and downs, the truth we must recognize is that whatever we learn from a situation we learned it because we actively chose to turn a certain thing into something else entirely.

When I reflect on situations where I felt I was wronged or I perceived as painful, I almost always end all of my thoughts with, “But I’m sure this all happened for a reason, a good reason. In fact, it had to of happened for the best! I had to go through this and come out better for it.”

This belief has always comforted me. That in the vast, ever-expanding, wild Universe, there is this intricate blanket woven by an all-knowing entity, a blanket full of enlightening reasons as to why all things happen, good & bad. We can wrap ourselves up in it when we’re feeling cold and lonely, and trust this was all for our benefit, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

So ranting, as I do, to one of my best friend’s aka Lalie aka light of my life aka soul sister aka an absolute QUEEN, I mentioned how I knew everything that happened had happened for a reason, even if I didn’t understand it yet. But her response surprised me, she said, “I don’t necessarily think everything happens for a reason… It’s a sign of how strong and lovely you are that you take the senseless and make sense of them to become stronger… You are a healer, you take the hurts and transform them.”

And low & behold, my most beloved coping mechanism was shattered, but in its wake she left something I needed so much more: the realization that WE are the ones knitting the intricate blanket of reasons. We create the lesson we need to learn by accessing our own transformational power that’s aligned with our highest good, but we often don’t give ourselves credit for that work. 


You see, no one’s forcing you to be positive about the shitty things that happened to you. No one is forcing you to reconcile & make peace with the shitty things you’ve done to others. You can just as easily never face them and keep at it if you really want to. But every time you do decide to choose positivity, to grow, to forgive, to love—it’s not the Universe enlightening you, it’s you being enlightened to the Universe that has always existed WITHIN you.
We are all healers on some level, even on the most basic biological level. Our bodies will always instinctively try to fix us, to help us survive & keep going. It’s deeply personal to heal, and I’ll admit that one of my biggest problems is I try to force people who don’t want to heal to heal with me. I fixate on people who resist, which always backfires. When they resist I have a habit of picking at their wounds instead of bandaging them up, sealing them with a kiss & sending them on their way.

To break this habit I need to release my obsession with always knowing someone else’s reasons. Their reasons are their own that they’ve chosen, and if they don’t want to share then I don’t need to know. They are knitting their own blanket to keep warm. Just because they do not share it with me doesn’t mean I have to freeze—I have my own. By realizing this, I no longer need to search for reasons outside myself. I no longer crave validation. I step into my power. The alliance of my open heart & highest good transforms things that hurt into things that heal. No one else can do this for you, because no one else knows your heart like you do.

Whatever reason you need, whatever lesson brings you the most peace, it didn’t come because it was fated to. Your peace, your comfort, your closure, your happiness came because you made a choice to have it. You took your pain and loved it into becoming something else entirely. How magical that is and how incredible you are.