Tag: endings

two sides, same coin

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For when I’ve been the heartbroken…

I accept your rejection. It is a blow to my ego I can more than withstand. I accept your rejection, and I wrap the wounds with gauze stitched from years of learning self-love. I accept your unwillingness, your inability, your reluctance because sometimes things just don’t “work.” This is one of the most frustrating yet incredible miracles of the human heart. (Because when it does work, it’s magic.) 

I accept your closed heart, because I know what it’s like to not be able receive what I cannot give. I accept your lust, your desire, your drive to consume me but not keep me, not SEE me. The hunger that leads you to this bed will never be satiated by flesh alone. It is deeper, wilder and more transcendent than that.

I accept you will find the love that fits you just right in another’s heart. I accept that this is no reflection of my own ability to love or be loved. I accept that I will also find the love I’m building within reflected back at me in someone else. My Person. A miracle. A human, flawed and free, probably somewhere right now laughing deeply, grinning wildly, running their hands through their hair, completely unaware of the wonder that awaits them. I accept this, even though I had wanted that Person to be you—I accept that it is not. 

For when I’ve been the heartbreaker…

I accept that you are angry, and there is no amount of poetic words I could string together to salve this hurt. I accept that you have loved me—do love me—and I have you, but I cannot stay. I accept that you may say things or do things that are reflections of your pain, and I will take responsibility for the part I’ve played in it. But I must hold this boundary, and you must let me go. I accept that I have no control over how you react or how you heal, I can only let you know I support you (and I know, even that stings).

I accept there is no simple, non-messy way to leave someone and also stay to ease the wounding. I accept I must put a distance in a sacred place where I once only wanted closeness. I accept the strange intimacy that comes with sitting in silence with you, after the tears and before I go.

I accept our friendship may never recover. I accept that time heals all wounds, but does not always deem healthy that we stay in each other’s presence. I accept that life is cyclical, and this cycle may close for this lifetime. I accept that I was happy. This was good. I was in love. I also accept that I am not anymore. But I will be again, and so will you.

This is the grieving, the unbecoming, the healing and the loving into something new. A threshold I cannot cross until I accept, all of it, in it’s heavy and holy totality.

I accept.

I accept.

I accept.

Thank you.

nouveau départ

On By blsh2 Comments

Two fraternal scars decorate my inner ankles now. The left cut went deeper than the other—born at the same time but different. Both there all the same. I never wear those boots, but I wore them that day. As we walked around the lake you asked me if they were comfortable. A light question in a heavy conversation. Between our words the silences lingered markedly. With anyone else I would’ve said it was uncomfortable, but with us the silence is never necessarily unwanted. I’ll admit, my cards were held so close to my chest I wondered if the Queen of Diamonds would imprint onto my heart. Would that make me stronger? In truth, my only real longing was to reveal my hand—in blind faith, in devotion, in one last hope you’d reach out for it.

The material of the boots dug into me. Our feet trekked along the paved path, but where were we really?

I stared straight ahead.

I could barely look at you the entire day.

Did you notice that?

I sighed.

It was beautiful, all of it.

The lake, the birds, the people, the trees.

The way you and I were strewn out in pieces like it mattered; as if we had any chance of making this better, as if there had ever been anything to make better.

We always speak in so many words. I blame our Mercurial moons. There had never been anything to say. From the moment we met, what existed (what exists) between us was never meant to be talked about, it was meant to be felt. To be known.

And now, all we needed to do was hold each other, and then let go.

Hold, and let go.

Hold, and let go.

I wanted to stop walking, it hurt.

I wanted to stop talking, it hurt. I didn’t know it but this wound was still being made. We were picking at scabs that hadn’t even formed yet. So, you asked about my boots and I replied they were fine.

“Comfortable enough.”

All the while I was bleeding, the entire way through.

~~~

Present day

The nonfiction piece above is so different to look back on now. It is an echo of someone who was on the brink of a huge upheaval. This past me wanted so badly to focus all her attention on those around her because then she could avoid what was really happening. There was so much I was still learning, still healing, still struggling to accept. I didn’t want to see how hurt I was. How hurt I had felt my whole life and continued to let myself feel. The pain I felt had a root so much deeper than my present situation. That situation, like so many before it, was a sad symptom of many larger issues I needed to admit. Issues of self worth, self-respect, boundaries. Most of all my issues of expressing my needs/desires/truth and knowing when to leave when they didn’t align with certain people. While I had been diving into this work prior, all of 2019 forced me to realize how much deeper into myself I needed to go.

I needed to see all for what it was, and decide where I would go from there. I needed to realize control isn’t a part of the equation, but acceptance is most certainly the answer. I needed to stop surrendering my personal power and with it responsibility for myself. It had become natural for me to hand my power over to circumstance when what I really needed was to embody it, believe in it, embrace it, celebrate it.

This power. My power.

Power of perspective. Power of choice. Power of forgiveness. Power of acceptance. Power of humility. Power of radical honesty. Power of unconditional love.

Now, I can say I know I am doing my best. I am weaving a life full of equal parts messy and joyful moments. It is both a dream and a sobering reality. I am standing here, in my power, still with two fraternal scars but they have faded, and I am grateful. I am right where I am supposed to be. All of my glorious failures as well as my successes have contributed to this. I am ecstatic to be Here. I am so in love with all of it—the hurt, the ecstasy, the epiphanies, the quiet, the growing pains, the fluidity, the irony, the belonging, the questioning, the inner knowing, the solitude, the confusion, the release, and most of all—the roaring, unending wilderness of possibility.

I’ve held on tightly for all of my life to so many people, places and things. I was desperately reaching. I was trying to get a handle on something not one thing outside of myself could give. I didn’t understand, but I do now. The peace I long for is with me. I experience it in moments. I let the healing wash over and accept the work may never be completely done. But moving in this direction feels right, and I like that.

Hold, and let go.

Hold all in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Let all go in love, all in wonder, all in respect, all in gratitude, all in honor.

Whatever stays is none of my business, but where I choose to stay is ALL of my business.

And I choose to follow my heart, to be led by my Soul, to trust in the Grander scheme. I must accept the risk that comes with such a choice, and I do, humbly. Don’t get me wrong—I’m far from alone in this. I am surrounded by miraculously supportive, loving beings. And while I know this is my path regardless, that fact makes this choice much easier. So thank you. You all know who you are, Family and Friends. I am lucky to be loved by you and to love you. I do not take you for granted for a second.

So here goes.

To something different. To living in authenticity. To discovering a higher Truth. To pursuing my Personal Legend. To allowing my heart to want what it wants and listening to it—wholly & presently—so I may embrace the untamed, magical life I am creating. To letting go, so I can more fully receive.

And So it is.

blood moon revelations.

On By blshLeave a comment

Sunday night we experienced a full moon lunar eclipse in Leo. This eclipse ended the Leo-Aquarius eclipse cycle that began in February 2017. With this eclipse came the culmination and release of so many seemingly never ending stories/relationships/habits/attachments that began/reignited/came to light over the past two years. It’s finally time to move forward in our narrative; a different narrative.

Guided by this eclipse tarot template by moonandcactus, I did a reading for myself today to see what the super blood wolf moon is calling forth in me. I use ‘I’ but mostly ‘You’ in my interpretation. Although the reading is personally for me, I feel it may resonate with some of you. Even if it doesn’t, it may still do you good to read it.

Do you feel the shift?

1. How can I be my most authentic self?

The Lovers

Soooooulfulness. I am Venusian to my core, to a fault. No shame. Haven’t always felt no shame about it, but I do now. The path to authenticity is rooted in our choices. The decisions we make must are guided by our hearts. I do myself no favors when I ignore the voice that originates within the beating, rhythmic muscle in my chest. My life force. All decisions from now on should be made in a place where the heart is open, arms are outstretched, and palms are ready to receive. This is Me. I see Me in You. Love for another is self-love. Self-love is love for another. Mirrors. It always comes back around to this.

More love.

More love.

More love.

More love.

These words repeated themselves endlessly in my mind as I meditated today to the sound of the pacific ocean. I could feel them vibrate through my body like a heartbeat itself.

More love.

More love.

More love.

More love.

I realized I’ve heard them before. From the mouth of an incredible poet, Yrsa Daley-Ward. It’s a simple, two word mantra, and it’s a Powerful, all-encompassing choice. A choice to Be Love.

2. How can I get in better touch with my unique gifts?

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Stop spending your resources on things that will never Fulfill you. Material caters to the ego. Stop enslaving yourself. It’s leaving you empty when you are anything but. You have a treasure trove INSIDE of You. There is nothing you need to acquire to go within. There you will find a master key. Unlock your destiny. Let your yourself blossom abundantly, endlessly. Stop blocking your blessings. Shine.

3. What is currently coming to fruition?

Ten of Wands

Burdens. You’ve carried them for a long time. For what? It’s true, it’s made you stronger. You can bare more than you ever thought possible. But ask yourself, is that necessary at the present moment? Or are most of your burdens, your anxieties, actually imagined stressors that stem from an unhealed place? An unhealed place that’s looking to sabotage your inner peace? Ah. Yes. You are seeing clearer now. Sitting up straighter. Breathing in deeper. There’s a lightness to it. Feels good doesn’t it? All that weight, sliding right off your back.

4. What aspects of my life need more courage?

The Fool

Leap. Go. Run. Now. What did I say before? Everything is shifted. You’ve been feeling it for a while now, but now you Know. Things are different now. You can begin again. You’ve always been able to, you just haven’t believed it. This is the start of a new story. The impossible seems just as likely as any other logical outcome now, and that’s because it is. Trust this. Bravely lean into your deepest desires and choose actions that stay true to the path you’ve committed to. The present moment calls. It’s time to answer.

5. What is lurking within the darkness?

Three of Wands

Be patient. Much is happening around you. Your uniqueness delights and attracts new energies into your space. Remain focused on your goals. Revel in the Wildness of the Universe and Connection. Flow in it if you like, but do not become so swayed you let others move you away from your End Game. Yes, dreams change, goals change, paths change. Yes, yes, yes. But deep down, you will know when a real change of course vibes with you, and when actually it’s someone looking to influence your mind. Remain connected and tuned into your heart above all. Let no one’s influence, presence or absence control you.

6. Step needed to release it.

Death

Transformation. This comes as no surprise. We must embrace the complete death of who we were in order to be what we’ll become. You are ready for so much more. Endings no longer scare you, because you know they’re followed by beginnings (The Fool). Look at the red on the Moon. See how it washes Her clean. The shadow passes and it’s as if She is the brightest she has ever been. This is true of you, too. Divine feminine. A Goddess risen from the ashes of mortality. You can only level up if you’re willing to walk into the flames. Go forward.

7. Message from the lunar eclipse.

Wheel of Fortune (Reversed)

Closure. Time and time again it has felt like the wheel was spinning, and every time you thought it landed on what was supposed to be Destiny—it wasn’t. One false prophet after another, it’s been tiresome. But how much of that disappointment has been from your own attachment to your expectations? Were you really closing your eyes, in full faith and letting the wheel spin? Or did you have one eye open, manipulating where it would stop? We both know the answer to this question. It does not have to be this way anymore. You trust now. Forgive yourself for falsifying realities in the past to make a Fate that fit a lie perpetuated by your ego. Now, when you spin the wheel, let it land where it wills. Detach. Know you cannot control this. Feel the peace that comes with giving it up to God. There is an intricate alchemy at work here. It’s in your favor. Love it into existence.

And so it is.

pretty spots.

On By blshLeave a comment

“Just know that all is good and you are a warrior. I have seen you blossom into a wonderful jaguar queen and you are fully capable of dragging some idiot by the neck up a tree, and they are lucky you choose to just show your pretty spots most of the time.”

I remember exactly how I felt when a friend of mine told me that. It made me feel stronger during a time of unexpected heartbreak. I laughed. But now, more than ever, I know this to be true. As we continue on into Leo season, basking in the light the Sun-ruled sign shines upon us, let us remember not only our own strength but the strength of those around us. Do not mistake someone’s kindness for weakness. It is great and important to harness our Alpha energy at times, to be a leader—it is a gift, and not something all people do well. We are all still learning to lead without selfishness. But who can trust a leader that alienates its Pride? Pride has two meanings here—a pack of lions, but also our own personal pride. Pride has a place. We should be proud of ourselves, for our accomplishments, our work, our growth, our ability to persevere. But what’s any of that worth if we’ve burned so many bridges to get there?

In tarot the Strength card is associated with Leo and the number 8. The card depicts a woman holding (either open or closed) a lion’s jaw. She is in alignment with the animal. She radiates a calmness that comes from within, lacking any fear of taking on the beast. There is almost an understanding between them, a type of respect. This is a respect I encourage you to remember as you come head to head with situations and people fired up by eclipse season & our current retrograde planets. We are in the middle of a massive clean out within us and around us. We are being challenged to look inward and break cycles that are endless loops, leaving us feeling empty and taken advantage of. Remove your focus from releasing a person to releasing the cycle. We have no power or control over other people. We only have control over our actions. By refusing to react or participate in their toxicity, we are able to leave behind what does not serve us in the highest. For if we eliminate a toxic cycle, a toxic relationship cannot survive. Either the relationship will evolve or it will naturally disintegrate. Whichever way it goes, this only brings you closer to alignment and your highest good. Once you are able to break a cycle, you can detach, grow and do your best to ensure you do not recreate it with a different person. Let that karmic lesson be learned and move forward. This takes strength of mind, body and spirit.

But my message to you today is less about releasing and more about nourishing. I encourage you to nourish the relationships around you with the people who make you feel strong. The people who align with your spirit and bring your light from the inside out. The ones who recognize your strength where others only see “pretty spots.” The ones who do not mistake your kindness for weakness, and know your warmth, empathy and willingness to forgive is a form of courage. Tell these people you love them, because releasing such heavy energy, as we have been for the past month or so, is isolating. We forget about our pack; our pride; our support system. Remember, you are loved. Leo rules the heart. Reconnect with yours. Sit outside, eyes closed, in the sun. Envision a loving green light radiating from within and around you (green rules the heart chakra). Send this loving light to the people you care for.

I want to link you to an article I read today which resonated with me. It’s about Lionsgate (August 8th) and for me it was eerie how close the message was to my own meditation on the energy I’ve been feeling at the time. Linked here: http://foreverconscious.com/lionsgate-portal-august-2018

I would love to hear more from anyone about what they’ve been feeling lately/where they’re at. This matters. This is important. Let the energy guide you, transform you and lift you.

full stop.

On By blsh2 Comments

I don’t exactly know how to write this post. All I know is it needs to be short, like the subject itself. It probably won’t be though since I’m coming at this via stream of consciousness. This is a post about closure, about how no one can give it to you but yourself, about how quite literally the rule of ripping off a bandaid applies here as well. Do it quickly, love. Because when closure does come it’s a tidal wave of peace, and it is so familiar because you’ve been here before. You just lost yourself for a moment. But even writing a blog post on closure feels like a hindrance to actually achieving it, which only comes when you finally stop analyzing a situation and accept it for what it is—which is, over. 

Usually I never want it to be over, but it doesn’t matter what I want. What matters is what is, and what is unfolds perfectly. No matter how many mistakes you or I make, what’s supposed to happen happens. No matter how it hurts or how wrong it feels, each step is a step in the right direction. It’s funny though, because even as I write this I have a hard time believing it. I bet you’re struggling too. But I know it’s true and I accept it, and I hope you all do too. Whatever ending your currently dealing with, as long as your heart is in the right place, I promise you it is aligned with your highest good.

Every ending I’ve suffered has led me to a better place. Every ending has by some miracle made me less bitter and more understanding that we’re all just so different. While it is a devastating realization every time, it is beautiful and it is necessary.

My heart is different from your heart, but we both come from places of love. Even so, with all our good intentions, we still do not meet. You show up 20 minutes late to the platform and I have already taken the first train out. But in your defense, you weren’t late, you were right on time. It’s no one’s fault really, and that’s the key—to stop placing blame. Endings, just as beginnings, are natural. The obsession with who was in the right and who was in the wrong comes from a desire to pass judgment on one another. This judgment serves as an anesthetic to the pain we’re feeling. But it’s temporary, and when it wears off we’re still left feeling it—sometimes more than we did before. Endings are transformative. We should be grateful for whatever experience we had because when we live presently we learn constantly, and all lessons are valuable. Take comfort in knowing you didn’t choose wrong. You didn’t mess up again. You didn’t trust too soon. Breathe. Reflect. Accept. Release.

And who knows, maybe someday (if you’re lucky) my connecting train will be delayed. You’ll unknowingly board the same car and take the seat across from me. I’ll smile. You’ll smile. Closure reminds me not to count on it, but Serendipity says God, that sure would be dreamy.

Goodnight.