from nothing to everything.

“This oracle comes with guidance for you. You are being asked to let go to receive, to become empty to be filled… It is the divine paradox that when we are asked to surrender a story or a fantasy, it is because reality is knocking at our door, more often than not, with the delivery of what we have been fantasizing about–but in the best way for us. The human experience of this paradox is that you may feel you are giving up hope, that your fantasy is dying. It may be very painful and bring you much grief. But all that is dying is your attachment and opinion about how it must be. This needs to happen so you can stop dreaming and start living it… Do not fear any part of your process; embrace it without expectation, with trust in your heart, that the Divine is simply guiding you from fantasy into fulfillment.”

Alana Fairchild, Rumi Oracle

From nothing to everything.

Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

Everything.
Everything.
Everything.

When I go to my Rumi Oracle deck, I know I will be given nothing but true and clear guidance. So here I am, surrounded by Christmas lights, a sleeping cat and flickering candles in an apartment that smells of incense and pine, as lightning lights up the sky of a warm southern winter night. I am asking for something–anything–to help me understand this past year. What’s the most important lesson to take away? What should I definitely leave behind? What awaits me? Whenever December hits, I am overtaken by this feeling of overwhelm. It is both exciting and serious. Which I’m sure by no coincidence corresponds with the two Zodiac signs that rule the month–Sagittarius (playful, optimistic, prophetic) and Capricorn (structured, responsible, timely). So I pull this card, From Nothing to Everything. Actually, I don’t pull it at all. It jumps out as soon as I ask my question during shuffle, and I know it is a message that will not be ignored.

This card speaks of the release of a “story” and how our “storytelling” often gets in the way of our ability to receive our blessings and embody who we are meant to be. Our stories are made up of attachments and expectations. They are an amalgamation of how we’ve interpreted our past experiences and others interpretations of us that we’ve accepted as true. Our stories are messy, wonderful, wounded and intricate.

Our stories must be wiped clean.

This energy is already in the collective. The current astrologic aspects (the Saturn Pluto conjunction that culminates in 2020 is one in particular) are all about us finally releasing an old story we’ve been telling ourselves (for years, possibly all of our lives) and choosing a new one. Our new story speaks from our soul and who we are at our core, without the clouded judgment of our ego and outside validation. It is a massive step into personal power that also heals the collective. This is no small task. To choose a new story is to seemingly abandon “who we are” now. This is terrifying, unsettling and also kind of angering. I don’t know about you but I’ve worked pretty hard to become the person I am now. I love the person I am and the last thing I want to do is abandon her. Yet everywhere I turn, it feels as though that is what the Universe is asking of me.

Here’s the thing–it is, and it isn’t. Yes, we are being asked to let go of a narrative we’ve accepted as truth, but it’s only to become MORE of ourselves. This is an uncomfortable paradox of identity. I’ve found some comfort in Jack Kornfield’s words when approaching this process:

“As a Buddhist psychologist, I am aware that sometimes when people hear about the teaching of selflessness, they can become agitated or afraid. This is because focusing on selflessness is not always the right medicine. Speaking of selflessness when a person feels shaky, traumatized and fragile can bring up feelings of disorientation and even terror. At such times, what is needed is safety and a feeling of balance. We can provide this balance through our reassuring presence, through the reminders of compassion and spacious awareness. But even those who are fragile can eventually benefit from the freedom beyond self-image, beyond the illusion of self.”

Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart

You are more than the stories that you’ve collected to make up your self image.
But in the same breath that you are more, you are also less.
You are as expansive as the outmost reaching edges of the cosmos and as minimal as the atom.
Being here,
being this,
being You.
Which, You are.
How can You Be
but also Be Nothing?

How do we reconcile this paradox? Hell if I know.

Seriously, haha. This is something people have dedicated their lives to discovering and teaching. It is something I am still learning to navigate. I am diving in completely, happily bewildered as a student of this life. This post is not about me teaching You, the reader, anything. I am simply sharing my experience of where I am at, and I am checking in with you. How is it that in our Emptiness, our ability to hold that vast undefined space within us, exists while we remain so connected to who we are? It seems to boil down to a balance, to a practice, and to breath. But it is also a much bigger question I think I will be ruminating on for the remainder of this life. On a lighter note, there are some questions I think we all are a bit more equipped to answer.

What parts of your story feel like they don’t fit anymore?
Are you owning how much you’ve stepped into something new?
I beg you to really think about this. I know many of you have being digging into the deepest parts of yourself. You’ve put in so much work. Are you living a life that does said work justice? Or are you still stuck in an old mode/sense of self?

There is no shame in being stuck. We get stuck because something needs our attention, and we loop continuously until we finally face it. This is where compassion comes in. As your friend, as your partner, as your sister, as your fellow human, I can hold you in loving kindness and safety as you move through into what a new story means for you.

I am very aware of how heady this all sounds. But as the 6th principle of Buddhist psychology says, “Our life has universal and personal nature. Both dimensions must be respected if we are to be happy and free.” A release of an old story is NOT spiritual bypassing. What you DON’T get to do is decide, “Well that’s not who I am anymore,” and suddenly be absolved of all responsibility, suffering and pain. What you DO get to do is decide, “Well that’s not who I am anymore,” own your responsibilities and work through your suffering and pain. Then you can release it from your grasp, opening up your hands to receive something new.

As Jack Kornfield writes, 

“We can’t pretend we are too spiritual for any experience. If we are angry, Ajahn Chah said, we must admit it, look at its causes, know its particulars. If we are sad or frightened or ashamed or needy, this is our human condition, the perfect place to practice. Ajahn Chah insisted we could not find freedom and enlightenment somewhere else, only here and now: ‘It is here in the world of form. Only in form can we develop integrity, patience, generosity, truthfulness, dedication, compassion, the great heart of the Buddha.’
If we fear living the life we’re in, Buddhist psychology insists we explore our resistance. If we’re caught in fear of failure, in past trauma or insecurity, engaging the world can be difficult for us. We need to make conscious whatever keeps us from living fully.”

This is what’s been happening for us over the past decade, and most intensely over this past year. As I lean into the energy of the new year approaching, I feel 2020 refuses to let you enter without surfacing your deepest wounds and admitting what’s been holding you back from embracing Your wildest, truest life. You have to cop to the stories you’ve been telling yourself about yourself, and you have to admit how ridiculous they’ve been at times (be they negative or positive).

From Nothing to Everything.
Stripped down bare; we are all the same.
All nothing, all everything.

It is a paradox both confusing & enlightening. Freeing & terrifying. Your identity is completely made up. It can be ever-evolving and fluid, or you can stay stuck looping around ideas of who you ‘should’ be.

But right now beloved, all this is to say: This is an invitation.
Your invitation.
I am inviting you to flow in the Divine Mystery with a sense of self that is not so rigid.
You are malleable and new.
You are childlike and dancing through varying states of wonder.
You are full of past experiences–joyful and traumatic, mesmerizing and forgettable, simple and complex, and they have all made up your sense of Self. But they also do not have to define who you choose to be now.
In that release you do not lose anything.
You find a more expansive way of being.
You are Nothing
and Everything
and Nothing once again.

So let’s play.

And so it is.

wisdom from the lioness

I don’t want to be you.

Even though you are a miracle.

You are kind, intelligent, humble, magnetic and beautiful. You are unique and mysterious. You are radiant and loving, you draw magic toward you like a bumblebee to the most technicolor flower. And still, I do not want to be you.

You are admired, revered and respected. You are warm and inviting. The people closest to you trust you with their lives and your’s with them. You touch the lives of strangers in the smallest, simplest moments that you’ll never remember but they could never forget. Your life is filled with both shadow and light, and you gracefully balance the two, learning to walk in each. You heal. You inspire. You create. You love fully, and you are loved in return. And I repeat, I do not want to be you.

There is a time I would’ve wanted that. I would’ve wondered how I could be just like you. I would’ve wondered what my soul was missing. I would’ve looked for it in everyone surrounding me, and come up short. I would’ve berated myself for not being all you are.

There is a time where I would’ve given anything to be someone else—to be you. But that was before.

Before I woke up. Before I experienced unconditional love for the first time. Before I knew what it felt like to have an ‘enemy’ become a loving, supportive friend. Before I found myself on the path to meeting who I truly am.

Dear One, I do not wish to be you because I am all of those things already myself. I wish to uplift you, to celebrate you, to support you. I love you as I love myself. Look at us—we are magnificent.

“Confidence isn’t thinking you are better than anyone else, it’s realizing that you have no reason to compare yourself to anyone else.” — Maryam Hasnaa

Welcome to Leo season. The season of Self. The season of basking in the spotlight. The season of leading with your Heart. The season of using your glow to light up the worlds of others. It’s time to be proud, to go forward, to play with possibility and pounce on the opportunities that appear before us. I am bubbling with the joy of it all.

Do you feel it? Are you with me? Let us visit each other’s Kingdoms, arms overflowing with gifts to give and the trust & humility to receive. What a beautiful day for you to be you, and me to be me.

the eleventh hour.

When I write love poems it feels like they belong to some wild combination of every lover I’ve ever had and those I’ve yet to meet or even imagine. I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe this has a lot to do with my Venus in Sagittarius in the 11th House with Scorpio on the cusp. The planet Venus of course ruling our love and relationships, sits in Sagittarius in my chart. Sagittarius being the fiery archer who shoots first and asks questions later, led by a higher faith and devotion, sometimes to a fault. Both the student and teacher, Venus in Sagittarius has molded me into a lover of learning, expansion and growth in all forms of relationship. Sagittarius trusts and embodies it’s truth, knowing embarking on a voyage in the basis of that truth will always be a journey worth taking.

It all lives in my 11th House. The 11th House is ruled by Aquarius. The house of the collective, friendship, innovation. It is a house of our highest hopes and biggest dreams. It shelters our wishes before flinging them forward into the world in vibrant anticipation. It’s the house that reminds us of the importance of how we are all interconnected. Mix that with Scorpio in the 11th house and it becomes an intense, transformative desire for deep relationships/friendships, trying to fulfill an emotional depth (but after deep self-reflection I’ve realized this is a depth I can only fill myself).

When I reflect on my poetry and try to pinpoint it to one person, it’s hard to do. I can be inspired by a particular situation, but once the words come out it’s like they weave through the spiralic timeline of my life, reaching out and caressing each soul who has ever touched my life and ever will. I am grateful for this expansive view of love. I am curious as to where it is leading my adventurous heart next.

How closely have you looked at the planets/placements in your chart? In what ways do they act as your muses, informing your creativity?

The next 11 poems/prose range from 2015 to now in no particular order. I didn’t pick that number by the way. It just ended up being that many I chose to share. Love it. (11:11). This is a glimpse into what my heart looks like in evolution. Ever changing. Thank you.

1.

You break my heart always

at the same time of year

the delicate in between

of winter and spring

spring buds and blooms

winter frosts and consumes

it’s a war

that I can no longer bare to watch

I know the warmth is coming

I am tired of having to learn this way

2.

come speak in stars with me

our mouths housing entire constellations

planets dripping from our tongues

where every word echoes

of some distant universe,

pulling us into its gravity

how could I communicate

with you

in any other way

than through the heavens

3.

It’s always a mourning process.

A morning,

process.

Purging you from my bed.

I see no trace of you

on the white linen

But I feel remnants of you

within the threads.

4.

You see
I am trying to forget

every smile,
your lips slightly tugging at the corners of your mouth
every freckle,
I counted when you laid asleep next to me
every brush of fingertips
when we reached for the same thing

When did we stop reaching for the same thing?

You see
I am trying to forget

the lights reflecting off river water
how your hands shook
until they met my waist
the way you pushed your hair back
just slightly out of your face

You see
I am trying to forget 

all the ways you said I love you
be it in this alphabet or another

You see
I am trying to remember

how beautiful I am
how the curves of my body never need to meld again to yours
for me to feel love

You see
I am trying to remember

how gentle I am with lovers hearts
and how rough I’ve been with my own
I’m asking for it to forgive me

You see
I am trying to remember

what I deserve
how to center myself
how I am full

I didn’t depend on you,
I just simply wanted
you

I ask, 
“When did it stop?”
“Where did it go?”
You tell me you do not know

And I too, 
wish I couldn’t recall

5.

In my eyes,
everything is short term. 

My existence is less than 
a quick glance between forbidden lovers.

But I remember standing by the river,
laughing in between kisses,
bodies slightly shivering 
from a midnight summer breeze,
or maybe just nerves.

Meeting you,
standing next to you,
laughing with you,
kissing you,
holding you,

has made me believe in infinity.

6.

Straddling your lap, your hand in my hair, breath hot, your laugh, my smirk, color rising to my cheeks. That is when you tasted sweet. We were ripe for love. Now we sit on opposite ends of the couch, rotting.

7.

Looking back on it, I should’ve squeezed my thighs around your head harder. I never caused you nearly as much pain as I did pleasure. But you paid me back in both.

8.

I like boys who taste like winter.
his fingertips venture across my exposed skin. 
with each touch, I feel a chill, a spark,
a bite.
he makes the tip of my nose pink and the color rise in my cheeks.
he whispers, you are not delicate.
I wonder how he knows, but I do not need to wonder long.
because winter is harsh, unyielding,
callous.
yet here I am, waiting.
the next avalanche will come.
it will not bury me.
he’s right, I am not delicate; I have conjured storms too.
there are worlds within ourselves that the other must never touch,
but we do so anyway.
enveloping each other in brumal wrath,
bare skinned, 
bare boned.
I fear we may shatter when we touch.
and then,
like an early spring melts the soiled snow, 
his lips soften when they mold to mine.
and I 
feel
warm.

9.

holding you is like the fluttering of tired eyelids

light

and heavy, all at once

an irresistible surrender I can’t help giving into

together, we dream

together, we create

entire worlds neither of us could’ve imagined alone

when I wake I fear I will not remember,

so half asleep I reach for you,

instinctively you pull me closer

I can hear you

humming in your sleep,

whispering my name

over & over & over & over

I think to myself,

“no, no,

I could never forget this”

10.

I love the way you lure the laughter out of my mouth.

a symphonic composition,

you tell me, “this is a soundtrack we could build a life to.”

with the slightest movement of your hand you conduct the desire through me.

I follow you, in time, matching heartbeat to heartbeat.

how long until it stops?

“shhh,” you whisper as if you’ve read my mind.

you probably have.

“stay, here in it, with me.”

I nod, I smile,

here comes that laughter again.

my entire being shouting,

encore,

encore,

encore.

11.

I’m not sure what Heaven is like

but I imagine

it’s reminiscent of the way you’d quietly open my bedroom door,

shedding all your winter layers

in the effervescent glow of my television.

slipping under the sheets,

curving your body around mine.

your longing for me

pouring out of your skin.

a sacred transference.

an eternal unity.

a primordial inner calling,

much older than us, taking over.

unable to sense any separation,

we’d ascend as a soulful ensemble

in a loving, all-knowing safety.

I imagine Heaven

is something like that.

spring forward.

“There is the solitude of suffering, when you go through darkness that is lonely, intense, and terrible. Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.”

– John O’Donohue, Anam Cara

This quote embodies the energy of the Mercury Retrograde in Pisces we’re in for the next few weeks. Perhaps what your processing isn’t as intense as others may be, but there’s still something stewing. There’s also still a disconnect there when you go to express your discontent to others and how it’s received. Something’s not quite translating, as to be expected in retrograde, but this one especially. It’s a time to sit with ourselves before taking any big actions. I want to revisit the reading I did on Instagram Live for the Pisces New Moon (which happened March 6th). From the Psychic Tarot for the Heart deck I pulled; Feeling Alone, New Vitality, and Awaiting Results. I pulled one card from the Romance Angels Oracle deck—Healing Family Issues (which just came up in my previous reading for the energies of March 2019. You can find that reading on my IGTV).

Pisces very much rules our inner world, the subconscious, what’s left swimming beneath the surface unsaid. We are in it. It is gloriously uncomfortable. I’m writing this because whoever is reading this, I am making a request—I really want you to sit with yourself. Alone, in silence. I want you to sit with your pain, your discomfort, your confusion, any negative emotion that seems to be following you lately. If you are reading this and thinking, “I am perfectly fine! My life is great. There’s no pain for me to feel” then either you’re the luckiest person on earth, have somehow completely transcended your ego and integrated your shadow, or you’re very blatantly ignoring something that is there. There is almost always something to heal. There is always something to learn. We are being given a time to ourselves to dig deeper into it, so we can heal it BEFORE the trigger and before engaging in the cycle whatever wound this is tends to activate.

Feeling Alone. The first card. It actually correlated with the 5 of Pentacles I pulled for the March 2019 reading in the same position. This is reinforcing our time of solitude and inner work. It might feel daunting and isolating, but those emotions are illusions. They’re barriers to your breakthrough. Any negativity you may feel turning inward most likely stems from fear. You are confronting darker, deeper things within yourself. For me, the loudest message coming through shows itself in the Healing Family Issues card. We need to really reach back into the past, back to childhood, to our oldest & earliest traumas. A trauma isn’t always something outwardly devastating. It can be something as little as a remark said to you by someone who wasn’t coming from a conscious, loving place and it stuck with you. Internalizing such a remark becomes belief in it. As a result we end up living out a false narratives for years, decades even. Now, I’m not saying you need to tackle everything at once. In fact, do not do this. Pick one thing. Pick something you know about yourself or life that’s making you unhappy. Why does it make you unhappy? Where’s the TRUE root of this suffering? (Pisces/Neptune rules illusions, break them down, find the TRUTH) What actions are you engaging in or not engaging in because of it? Do you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle? Like you always end up “back here” (wherever “here” is for you)? Investigating ourselves this way takes patience, self-compassion and lots of love. This is why it helps to imagine and speak with your inner child. Your inner child is an innocent beam of light, happy, unharmed and full of unconditional love toward you. How can you harness that essence again? What would your child-self say to you? What would you say to them? Meditate on this.

I’d like to go back to the quote at the beginning. “Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.” New Vitality was the second card I pulled. It indicates we will bring a bright, refreshing, wonderful renewing energy to ourselves, our lives, our goals and our relationships. But first, we need that solitude (Feeling Alone), because right now with our planet of communication (Mercury) is retrograde and swimming in the murky waters of Pisces. The words coming from many of our loved ones may be said with good intentions, but they might not seem to fully align what we’re currently working through or how we’re trying to work through it. We try to explain ourselves, but it just feels lost on others. Don’t get me wrong, It’s good to lean on your support system. It’s healthy to have that vulnerability and trust. Do it. But also know that right now, what will bring you most comfort and understanding is cultivating that type of support system within yourself. You do not have to seek outside of the self for your healing. Doing so often results in more suffering and a need for outside validation. Welcome love and support, but know your healing is ultimately YOUR responsibility and YOUR process. Own this. Own this and you will begin to feel more capable of healthily processing your emotions. You move out of victim mentality. You begin to embody love. The space you hold for yourself becomes space you can hold for others while they do their own work. Share your process when you feel comfortable. As your support system within yourself becomes stronger, the one outside of you becomes healthier. Your relationship with yourself is a direct reflection of your relationship with others.

Awaiting Results. This will not come quickly. Trust me, I know it’s a tall order. I’m writing this for anyone who needs to hear it, but also myself. I like to think I’m patient, but I also know deep down I like to see results fast. That’s where the self-compassion comes in. You’ve made it this far. You’re Here. Just wait. It’s all so mysterious, wild and disorienting. Embrace it. In addition to the Pisces New Moon and Mercury Retrograde, Mars is in Taurus. Taurus moves slowly and steadily toward their goals. Taurus is not easily deterred. With this sign driving our Action Planet, we have a great opportunity to truly be patient with ourselves and to buckle down get the work done. While the feminine Taurus clashes a bit with masculine Mars, I think the energies combining also serve as a great lesson of balancing our own inner masculine/feminine polarities.

Anyway, I just needed to write this. The message feels aligned with me. I don’t know if anyone else feels it too, but if no one else does it’s okay. You know why? Because I just spent an entire post writing about solitude, and how only we ourselves truly understand our own inner journey. So even if this isn’t what you needed to hear, I hope it inspires you to look inward for what you do.

Okay my loves, I adore you. I’m sending you all the light. Lean into your solitude. Investigate your inner world. Bring forth new, healing energy into your life. Patiently & compassionately support yourself as it all unfolds.

And so it is.

blood moon revelations.

Sunday night we experienced a full moon lunar eclipse in Leo. This eclipse ended the Leo-Aquarius eclipse cycle that began in February 2017. With this eclipse came the culmination and release of so many seemingly never ending stories/relationships/habits/attachments that began/reignited/came to light over the past two years. It’s finally time to move forward in our narrative; a different narrative.

Guided by this eclipse tarot template by moonandcactus, I did a reading for myself today to see what the super blood wolf moon is calling forth in me. I use ‘I’ but mostly ‘You’ in my interpretation. Although the reading is personally for me, I feel it may resonate with some of you. Even if it doesn’t, it may still do you good to read it.

Do you feel the shift?

1. How can I be my most authentic self?

The Lovers

Soooooulfulness. I am Venusian to my core, to a fault. No shame. Haven’t always felt no shame about it, but I do now. The path to authenticity is rooted in our choices. The decisions we make must are guided by our hearts. I do myself no favors when I ignore the voice that originates within the beating, rhythmic muscle in my chest. My life force. All decisions from now on should be made in a place where the heart is open, arms are outstretched, and palms are ready to receive. This is Me. I see Me in You. Love for another is self-love. Self-love is love for another. Mirrors. It always comes back around to this.

More love.

More love.

More love.

More love.

These words repeated themselves endlessly in my mind as I meditated today to the sound of the pacific ocean. I could feel them vibrate through my body like a heartbeat itself.

More love.

More love.

More love.

More love.

I realized I’ve heard them before. From the mouth of an incredible poet, Yrsa Daley-Ward. It’s a simple, two word mantra, and it’s a Powerful, all-encompassing choice. A choice to Be Love.

2. How can I get in better touch with my unique gifts?

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Stop spending your resources on things that will never Fulfill you. Material caters to the ego. Stop enslaving yourself. It’s leaving you empty when you are anything but. You have a treasure trove INSIDE of You. There is nothing you need to acquire to go within. There you will find a master key. Unlock your destiny. Let your yourself blossom abundantly, endlessly. Stop blocking your blessings. Shine.

3. What is currently coming to fruition?

Ten of Wands

Burdens. You’ve carried them for a long time. For what? It’s true, it’s made you stronger. You can bare more than you ever thought possible. But ask yourself, is that necessary at the present moment? Or are most of your burdens, your anxieties, actually imagined stressors that stem from an unhealed place? An unhealed place that’s looking to sabotage your inner peace? Ah. Yes. You are seeing clearer now. Sitting up straighter. Breathing in deeper. There’s a lightness to it. Feels good doesn’t it? All that weight, sliding right off your back.

4. What aspects of my life need more courage?

The Fool

Leap. Go. Run. Now. What did I say before? Everything is shifted. You’ve been feeling it for a while now, but now you Know. Things are different now. You can begin again. You’ve always been able to, you just haven’t believed it. This is the start of a new story. The impossible seems just as likely as any other logical outcome now, and that’s because it is. Trust this. Bravely lean into your deepest desires and choose actions that stay true to the path you’ve committed to. The present moment calls. It’s time to answer.

5. What is lurking within the darkness?

Three of Wands

Be patient. Much is happening around you. Your uniqueness delights and attracts new energies into your space. Remain focused on your goals. Revel in the Wildness of the Universe and Connection. Flow in it if you like, but do not become so swayed you let others move you away from your End Game. Yes, dreams change, goals change, paths change. Yes, yes, yes. But deep down, you will know when a real change of course vibes with you, and when actually it’s someone looking to influence your mind. Remain connected and tuned into your heart above all. Let no one’s influence, presence or absence control you.

6. Step needed to release it.

Death

Transformation. This comes as no surprise. We must embrace the complete death of who we were in order to be what we’ll become. You are ready for so much more. Endings no longer scare you, because you know they’re followed by beginnings (The Fool). Look at the red on the Moon. See how it washes Her clean. The shadow passes and it’s as if She is the brightest she has ever been. This is true of you, too. Divine feminine. A Goddess risen from the ashes of mortality. You can only level up if you’re willing to walk into the flames. Go forward.

7. Message from the lunar eclipse.

Wheel of Fortune (Reversed)

Closure. Time and time again it has felt like the wheel was spinning, and every time you thought it landed on what was supposed to be Destiny—it wasn’t. One false prophet after another, it’s been tiresome. But how much of that disappointment has been from your own attachment to your expectations? Were you really closing your eyes, in full faith and letting the wheel spin? Or did you have one eye open, manipulating where it would stop? We both know the answer to this question. It does not have to be this way anymore. You trust now. Forgive yourself for falsifying realities in the past to make a Fate that fit a lie perpetuated by your ego. Now, when you spin the wheel, let it land where it wills. Detach. Know you cannot control this. Feel the peace that comes with giving it up to God. There is an intricate alchemy at work here. It’s in your favor. Love it into existence.

And so it is.

gift.

Disposable.

This is a word that summed up how I felt for a little over two years. It seemed continuously I attracted people into my circle who formed intense bonds with me, only to eventually drop me. When it came, it felt as though it happened quickly, swiftly, seemingly without remorse or a second thought. For a long time, I allowed this behavior to bother me. It bothered me because I would make up a narrative in my head about these people—that they didn’t care about me, in fact they never cared, it wasn’t real, they feel/felt no actual emotion for or about me. I chose to internalize the feeling of being expendable, inconsequential, and I let it keep me in the position of a victim.

Victim.

A role where I felt comfortable with my trauma, my anger, my sadness. As long as I was the victim, I could feel bad for myself without questioning my own actions and motives. Thereby stripping away the humanity of the people that hurt me and turning them into caricatures of perpetrators that did me wrong.

I am writing today to say that I know, very well now, that I am far from disposable. I am far from being the victim. I am far from being forgettable or replaceable. Even the thought of it to me now seems laughable.

I believe I’ve written before about the concept of people as mirrors. We attract those in life who have the most to teach us. They are a reflection of something we need to heal within. If we’re lucky enough to awaken, to be open and receptive, we can make the best of even the most awful and dire situations.

I write today to apologize and ask forgiveness. I ask forgiveness from myself for ever believing the hurt I perceived and pain I experienced was somehow deserved. I am sorry for believing someone as beautiful and powerful as myself could be left behind without leaving an incredible impression on those I’ve loved and been true to. But mostly, I am sorry for forcing a false narrative on those who’ve fallen away from me. You too are beautiful and powerful, and you’ve all taught me so much. Be it through your words, your silence, your presence, your absence. You were a Gift to me.

You see, what you think of me is YOUR business. What you do or do not feel for me is YOUR business. What you’ve decided to learn or not learn from me is YOUR business. It is none of my business. It has nothing to do with me, and has no bearing on me or what I feel for any of you. My time on Earth will forever be spent on learning how to authentically exist in and come from a place of love. There are times when my Ego wins & I do feel the negativity, the anger and bitterness—but I refuse to wallow in it. I make the choice to move THROUGH it. I accept it, I feel it, I let it in and let it go. (Mind you, acting from your highest self often feels like an infinite trial and error. It’s a simple concept but not easy. If it was easy, we’d have nothing to discuss.)

I’m writing today to tell you I love you, because everything else is an illusion. The pain, the betrayal, the insecurity, the distrust, the hopelessness, the loneliness—at times, it can feel vast and never-ending. This is untrue. While I wish I could unfold before you the specific path YOU need to take to heal these wounds, process these feelings & traumas on our mutual mission of humanity (to radiate & experience Unconditional Love & only Love), we all have a unique way of getting there. It could be through discovering your own spirituality. It could be through your career. It could be through therapy and professional help. It could be through a different religion. It could be through charity and volunteer work. It could be through meditation. It could be through your art. It could be any combination of things. But, as long as we are striving for this, we are nurturing ourselves, and by way of that, nurturing each other in the best way we know how.

It is Libra season. Libra. The harmonizer, the peacemaker, the conflict resolver. The Venusian sign of partnership & balance. Libra—when evolved—begs you to ask, how do my actions affect those outside of myself? Am I taking responsibility for the effects they’re having on others? Am I doing my best to bring peace to myself and those I love? Where am I imbalanced? Where have I demanded too much? Where have I settled for too little? Coupled with a Venus retrograde in Scorpio this season, take this time to reevaluate and reflect on your relationships. Are you choosing to act from the self you are NOW? Or are you falling back into an old pattern that no longer suits the current you? Naturally, as you change, you will feel aversion to falling into a toxic cycle anyway. But it doesn’t mean we are not susceptible to it. Healing is not a linear process. Be honest with yourself, gentle, but honest. Consciously choose who and what to engage with. Let the rest go in grace.

Know I am here to encourage YOU, whoever you are, that’s taken the time to read this. I don’t care who or what we’ve been to each other in the past. I have made the conscious choice to carry no angst, no resentment. You can make this choice too when you’re ready.

You don’t have to continue to carry the weight of your losses with you. Honor them and choose to be here NOW. Not in your past, not in your future, here. Take a quiet moment today to say, “I am here. I am safe. I am loved. I am supported.” Inhale, exhale. Feel this. Trust this.

And so it is.

pretty spots.

“Just know that all is good and you are a warrior. I have seen you blossom into a wonderful jaguar queen and you are fully capable of dragging some idiot by the neck up a tree, and they are lucky you choose to just show your pretty spots most of the time.”

I remember exactly how I felt when a friend of mine told me that. It made me feel stronger during a time of unexpected heartbreak. I laughed. But now, more than ever, I know this to be true. As we continue on into Leo season, basking in the light the Sun-ruled sign shines upon us, let us remember not only our own strength but the strength of those around us. Do not mistake someone’s kindness for weakness. It is great and important to harness our Alpha energy at times, to be a leader—it is a gift, and not something all people do well. We are all still learning to lead without selfishness. But who can trust a leader that alienates its Pride? Pride has two meanings here—a pack of lions, but also our own personal pride. Pride has a place. We should be proud of ourselves, for our accomplishments, our work, our growth, our ability to persevere. But what’s any of that worth if we’ve burned so many bridges to get there?

In tarot the Strength card is associated with Leo and the number 8. The card depicts a woman holding (either open or closed) a lion’s jaw. She is in alignment with the animal. She radiates a calmness that comes from within, lacking any fear of taking on the beast. There is almost an understanding between them, a type of respect. This is a respect I encourage you to remember as you come head to head with situations and people fired up by eclipse season & our current retrograde planets. We are in the middle of a massive clean out within us and around us. We are being challenged to look inward and break cycles that are endless loops, leaving us feeling empty and taken advantage of. Remove your focus from releasing a person to releasing the cycle. We have no power or control over other people. We only have control over our actions. By refusing to react or participate in their toxicity, we are able to leave behind what does not serve us in the highest. For if we eliminate a toxic cycle, a toxic relationship cannot survive. Either the relationship will evolve or it will naturally disintegrate. Whichever way it goes, this only brings you closer to alignment and your highest good. Once you are able to break a cycle, you can detach, grow and do your best to ensure you do not recreate it with a different person. Let that karmic lesson be learned and move forward. This takes strength of mind, body and spirit.

But my message to you today is less about releasing and more about nourishing. I encourage you to nourish the relationships around you with the people who make you feel strong. The people who align with your spirit and bring your light from the inside out. The ones who recognize your strength where others only see “pretty spots.” The ones who do not mistake your kindness for weakness, and know your warmth, empathy and willingness to forgive is a form of courage. Tell these people you love them, because releasing such heavy energy, as we have been for the past month or so, is isolating. We forget about our pack; our pride; our support system. Remember, you are loved. Leo rules the heart. Reconnect with yours. Sit outside, eyes closed, in the sun. Envision a loving green light radiating from within and around you (green rules the heart chakra). Send this loving light to the people you care for.

I want to link you to an article I read today which resonated with me. It’s about Lionsgate (August 8th) and for me it was eerie how close the message was to my own meditation on the energy I’ve been feeling at the time. Linked here: http://foreverconscious.com/lionsgate-portal-august-2018

I would love to hear more from anyone about what they’ve been feeling lately/where they’re at. This matters. This is important. Let the energy guide you, transform you and lift you.