golden.

The windows are dirty. It’s golden hour and the ethereal light is filtering into my bedroom through the spotted glass, undistorted. I should really get to cleaning them. I should really get to a lot of things. But in this moment, as the light flows in, all I can think about is how my chest feels cracked open, but it doesn’t feel bad. It doesn’t feel wrong. It doesn’t feel painful. It’s simply overwhelming. It’s as if whatever is pouring out of me must be purged, and the only thing making its way back in is Love.

Of course it hasn’t always felt like this. It’s been heavy moving through inner turmoil. It’s always heavy, like swimming through sludge, so thick and deep you can’t feel the bottom. The trauma wants to latch to you. It’s BEEN latched to you. You keep moving through it hoping to come out clean. You always come up with some of it still sticking to you, even if it’s minimal. It’s those types of wounds, the ones that creep up on us, that leave us shocked and spiraling. We don’t even know they’re there until a lover reaches for us. Even though their touch is gentle we recoil instead of coming closer, because it hurts. It’s that kind of heavy.

But all of this soul work has revealed to me a power so incredible, I cannot regret diving into the depths. I say revealed because I have never been without it. You have never been without it. It’s just that sometimes we refuse it. We refuse to use it because it makes us too responsible for our own state of mind. But this evasion of responsibility for ourselves, specifically our emotions, leaves us feeling powerless and imbalanced. Satisfaction, stability, acceptance, manifestation, peace and strength all lie in one place–your ability to choose. For me it echoes through everything I do. Everything I create. Everything I am.

A choice to begin again.
A choice to see it differently.
A choice to put inner peace above all.
A choice to change the narrative.
A choice to love anyway.
A choice to embrace sadness, to caress heartache, until they begin to resemble something like joy and hopefulness.

It is liberating. For example, I was so sure this entry was going to be sad. I just knew it! I thought to myself, I am going to write today, and boy is this one going to be a doozy. It is going to hurt because today I am in IT! It being the sadness. But here I am writing (physically writing in my journal because that’s where entries on this blog often start), and I am smiling. I am radiant. I am optimistic. I am full. How? I suppose after working so hard to consciously choose not to dwell, I’ve finally begun to subconsciously choose it. Make no mistake, I choose to feel my sadness. I feel it, honor it, divine with it, and I kiss it farewell. At least, until we meet again, in a different way for a different reason.

Emotions ebb and flow. Healing ebbs and flows. It all comes forth in us, begging to be felt. So I make my choice. The water of the wave recedes, then builds up. Silently, I sit and let it swell. I feel it without judgment. I inhale, exhale. Within the crest is all I carry and through the crash it is released. The waves come at different intensities and varying frequencies, but they always come. I choose to experience their arrival as a blessing, a baptism, an awakening.

Golden hour is fading. The sun is setting. It’s light is now merely a dimming ember on the horizon. Twilight will linger in the sky until the night comes and dresses her in stars. A tiara of constellations. It will be beautiful. The windows are still dirty, but my vision is clear, and all I can see is Love.

endless

Everything about you, feels like a miracle.

And when I say you, I mean you,
and you,
and you,
and you.

I mean us.

I mean every connection you’ve ever made,
be it for a moment or a lifetime.
Or lifetimes.
(Meet me in the next).

I mean every smile,
from the one that tugs at the corner of your lips,
so delicately they never even notice.
To the one with all your teeth bared,
laughing maniacally from the bottom of your belly.

I mean the way flowers burst out of your chest,
every time you open up
and let someone a little bit closer than expected.

I personally,
especially,
love the daisies.

Never stop blooming.

What is it that e.e. cummings said?
“I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”
It is divine to experience how they beat in the same time measure.
A rhythm,
steady and true.

I beg of you,
never stop writing this song.
An endless melody,
let me dance until my feet give way.

And then, you’ll catch me.
You’ll catch me.
You’ll catch me.

a sailor’s prayer.

My intention was to love you. This is my intention with every person, with every connection I make. I love. What differs is the way that love manifests and blooms into existence. It’s different every time. Sometimes it changes with people over time, but it is always love, and it needs no explanation. “One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” When we meet someone we have an idea of where our intended love will go. We’ll make choices and decisions based upon steering our love in the direction we desire. We visualize an outcome. This isn’t abnormal or even necessarily a bad thing. Visualization is healthy and helpful. There are some ways that intention can be insidious, but that has everything to do with the person doing the work and where they are in their healing process. Is their intention truly to love unconditionally? Or is it an escape out of loneliness? Is it actually a need for validation? Is it a vain attempt to numb a wound rather than heal it?

With you, I released the need to steer the ship. I decided the waves knew better how to get me to land. To an island with a jungle that’s lush and dense, so green it feels like you never even knew the true meaning of the color. Until now. A never-ending paradise abundant with life and nourishment. Of course, all jungles have dark, dangerous places too. But with love guiding me, I do not fear getting twisted up in the vines. Once I relax, release, the fear releases me too. I slip from the danger into a place of gratitude. The darkest parts of ourselves have a greater need to be seen than the lightest. This is where the deepest healing is. See me, it begs. This tests love, and love withstands.

So, I let go of the wheel of my ship and let it spin. Carried softly by salt and foam to whatever place is meant for me this time, I trust the motion. And while I could look at the night sky and consult the stars for an idea of where I’m going, it is more fun not to know.

Love.

Love.

Love.

My intention is to love you. It can blossom in any way it wants to, and that way will feel right. I stand securely and happily, with an open heart and open eyes. Love is a compass leading me home, “a little lighter, a little brighter.”

illusions undone.

Yesterday I felt an extremely overwhelming energy move through me. I couldn’t name it as positive or negative, it just was. An intensity. But lately, I’ve seen so many synchronicities. I’ve felt so much support and love coming from every corner of my life. I’ve been nurturing a safety within me where the foundation stems from an unshakeable confidence and trust within myself. After ruminating on all of this, I knew the energy was positive. And of course, naturally, my ego wanted me to doubt it all. My ego wants me to be a mistrustful, self-sabotaging, fearful pessimist. It wants me to accept pain as my reality. Where every light shines to remind me that I am worthy of the wonderful things I pray and work for, a voice in the shadow whispers a terror into my heart in efforts to keep it closed.

But it’s not.

I am open.
I am vulnerable.
I am on a path I trust.
I am joy.
I am connection.
I am making a choice.
I choose differently this time.

I choose to hold the wounded girl who’s voice echoes in the shadow. I choose to help her, love her through her sorrows. I am not separate from her. But I will not allow anguish from my past become suffering in my future. When it comes to my sisters and brothers in this life, I refuse to stand in a place of judgment and condemnation, of criticism and control. I choose acceptance. I choose faith. I choose unconditional love.

I am here now, and I trust it. I trust, and then I know. I know suffering is not my natural state of being, it’s simply one way of being. And once acknowledged, I can move through all of the beautifully painful intricacies of the ways my wounds have colored my world. I forgive myself for it. It helps me to see how you all are navigating your own trauma. I support you. I forgive you. I will not carry it for you, but I will hold your hand.

For so long, it was easier to create a “reality” in the shape of my fear. By anticipating pain I thought I was smarter than pain. But really, I was only ensuring that the pain I agonized over would be my only outcome. The more I anticipated disappointment the more comfortable I felt with it. The less comfortable I felt with actually getting what I deserved/wanted. In fear-based, loveless thinking the question, “What if it doesn’t happen?” isn’t the scary one. You are prepared for that because you’ve built up defenses for years to anticipate such a blow. The terrifying question is, “What if it does?” Because that question accepts loss as a possibility and doesn’t fear it. Because truthfully, loss is not separate from love. Once you recognize this its finally possible to accept we have never been separate from love. So often we’ve simply just refused to accept the abundance of it because lack, hurt and disappointment felt more familiar–a desolate illusion so many of us still cling to.

I ask you to release this illusion. It will take time and work, but it will be worth it. There is no real safety in severing yourself from connection, only an illusionary one that keeps you wandering, lost and wanting. I leave you with a passage from one of my favorite books, A Return to Love, to meditate upon. For myself to meditate upon. Because you and I, we are not separate. We are mirrors. Reflecting back and forth to each other, giving and receiving only what we’re willing to.

“Initially, I had chosen the way of anger. Now I choose the way of love. I did not have to be the wounded animal. I could choose to identify with my own strength, which was in fact the more natural role for me to play. I could choose to see others through a generous, trusting nature. My brother was not here to attack me. He was here to love me. It was completely up to me whether to trust that, and love him back.

In accepting the Atonement, the correction of our perceptions, we are returned to who we really are. Our true, purely loving self can never be uncreated. All illusions will be undone. Although experiences can lead us to deviate from our true nature, the truth itself is held in trust for us by the Holy Spirit until we choose to return.”

— Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

gift.

Disposable.

This is a word that summed up how I felt for a little over two years. It seemed continuously I attracted people into my circle who formed intense bonds with me, only to eventually drop me. When it came, it felt as though it happened quickly, swiftly, seemingly without remorse or a second thought. For a long time, I allowed this behavior to bother me. It bothered me because I would make up a narrative in my head about these people—that they didn’t care about me, in fact they never cared, it wasn’t real, they feel/felt no actual emotion for or about me. I chose to internalize the feeling of being expendable, inconsequential, and I let it keep me in the position of a victim.

Victim.

A role where I felt comfortable with my trauma, my anger, my sadness. As long as I was the victim, I could feel bad for myself without questioning my own actions and motives. Thereby stripping away the humanity of the people that hurt me and turning them into caricatures of perpetrators that did me wrong.

I am writing today to say that I know, very well now, that I am far from disposable. I am far from being the victim. I am far from being forgettable or replaceable. Even the thought of it to me now seems laughable.

I believe I’ve written before about the concept of people as mirrors. We attract those in life who have the most to teach us. They are a reflection of something we need to heal within. If we’re lucky enough to awaken, to be open and receptive, we can make the best of even the most awful and dire situations.

I write today to apologize and ask forgiveness. I ask forgiveness from myself for ever believing the hurt I perceived and pain I experienced was somehow deserved. I am sorry for believing someone as beautiful and powerful as myself could be left behind without leaving an incredible impression on those I’ve loved and been true to. But mostly, I am sorry for forcing a false narrative on those who’ve fallen away from me. You too are beautiful and powerful, and you’ve all taught me so much. Be it through your words, your silence, your presence, your absence. You were a Gift to me.

You see, what you think of me is YOUR business. What you do or do not feel for me is YOUR business. What you’ve decided to learn or not learn from me is YOUR business. It is none of my business. It has nothing to do with me, and has no bearing on me or what I feel for any of you. My time on Earth will forever be spent on learning how to authentically exist in and come from a place of love. There are times when my Ego wins & I do feel the negativity, the anger and bitterness—but I refuse to wallow in it. I make the choice to move THROUGH it. I accept it, I feel it, I let it in and let it go. (Mind you, acting from your highest self often feels like an infinite trial and error. It’s a simple concept but not easy. If it was easy, we’d have nothing to discuss.)

I’m writing today to tell you I love you, because everything else is an illusion. The pain, the betrayal, the insecurity, the distrust, the hopelessness, the loneliness—at times, it can feel vast and never-ending. This is untrue. While I wish I could unfold before you the specific path YOU need to take to heal these wounds, process these feelings & traumas on our mutual mission of humanity (to radiate & experience Unconditional Love & only Love), we all have a unique way of getting there. It could be through discovering your own spirituality. It could be through your career. It could be through therapy and professional help. It could be through a different religion. It could be through charity and volunteer work. It could be through meditation. It could be through your art. It could be any combination of things. But, as long as we are striving for this, we are nurturing ourselves, and by way of that, nurturing each other in the best way we know how.

It is Libra season. Libra. The harmonizer, the peacemaker, the conflict resolver. The Venusian sign of partnership & balance. Libra—when evolved—begs you to ask, how do my actions affect those outside of myself? Am I taking responsibility for the effects they’re having on others? Am I doing my best to bring peace to myself and those I love? Where am I imbalanced? Where have I demanded too much? Where have I settled for too little? Coupled with a Venus retrograde in Scorpio this season, take this time to reevaluate and reflect on your relationships. Are you choosing to act from the self you are NOW? Or are you falling back into an old pattern that no longer suits the current you? Naturally, as you change, you will feel aversion to falling into a toxic cycle anyway. But it doesn’t mean we are not susceptible to it. Healing is not a linear process. Be honest with yourself, gentle, but honest. Consciously choose who and what to engage with. Let the rest go in grace.

Know I am here to encourage YOU, whoever you are, that’s taken the time to read this. I don’t care who or what we’ve been to each other in the past. I have made the conscious choice to carry no angst, no resentment. You can make this choice too when you’re ready.

You don’t have to continue to carry the weight of your losses with you. Honor them and choose to be here NOW. Not in your past, not in your future, here. Take a quiet moment today to say, “I am here. I am safe. I am loved. I am supported.” Inhale, exhale. Feel this. Trust this.

And so it is.

pretty spots.

“Just know that all is good and you are a warrior. I have seen you blossom into a wonderful jaguar queen and you are fully capable of dragging some idiot by the neck up a tree, and they are lucky you choose to just show your pretty spots most of the time.”

I remember exactly how I felt when a friend of mine told me that. It made me feel stronger during a time of unexpected heartbreak. I laughed. But now, more than ever, I know this to be true. As we continue on into Leo season, basking in the light the Sun-ruled sign shines upon us, let us remember not only our own strength but the strength of those around us. Do not mistake someone’s kindness for weakness. It is great and important to harness our Alpha energy at times, to be a leader—it is a gift, and not something all people do well. We are all still learning to lead without selfishness. But who can trust a leader that alienates its Pride? Pride has two meanings here—a pack of lions, but also our own personal pride. Pride has a place. We should be proud of ourselves, for our accomplishments, our work, our growth, our ability to persevere. But what’s any of that worth if we’ve burned so many bridges to get there?

In tarot the Strength card is associated with Leo and the number 8. The card depicts a woman holding (either open or closed) a lion’s jaw. She is in alignment with the animal. She radiates a calmness that comes from within, lacking any fear of taking on the beast. There is almost an understanding between them, a type of respect. This is a respect I encourage you to remember as you come head to head with situations and people fired up by eclipse season & our current retrograde planets. We are in the middle of a massive clean out within us and around us. We are being challenged to look inward and break cycles that are endless loops, leaving us feeling empty and taken advantage of. Remove your focus from releasing a person to releasing the cycle. We have no power or control over other people. We only have control over our actions. By refusing to react or participate in their toxicity, we are able to leave behind what does not serve us in the highest. For if we eliminate a toxic cycle, a toxic relationship cannot survive. Either the relationship will evolve or it will naturally disintegrate. Whichever way it goes, this only brings you closer to alignment and your highest good. Once you are able to break a cycle, you can detach, grow and do your best to ensure you do not recreate it with a different person. Let that karmic lesson be learned and move forward. This takes strength of mind, body and spirit.

But my message to you today is less about releasing and more about nourishing. I encourage you to nourish the relationships around you with the people who make you feel strong. The people who align with your spirit and bring your light from the inside out. The ones who recognize your strength where others only see “pretty spots.” The ones who do not mistake your kindness for weakness, and know your warmth, empathy and willingness to forgive is a form of courage. Tell these people you love them, because releasing such heavy energy, as we have been for the past month or so, is isolating. We forget about our pack; our pride; our support system. Remember, you are loved. Leo rules the heart. Reconnect with yours. Sit outside, eyes closed, in the sun. Envision a loving green light radiating from within and around you (green rules the heart chakra). Send this loving light to the people you care for.

I want to link you to an article I read today which resonated with me. It’s about Lionsgate (August 8th) and for me it was eerie how close the message was to my own meditation on the energy I’ve been feeling at the time. Linked here: http://foreverconscious.com/lionsgate-portal-august-2018

I would love to hear more from anyone about what they’ve been feeling lately/where they’re at. This matters. This is important. Let the energy guide you, transform you and lift you.

all lunar & love.

You are all lunar & love,
and all I want is to
bask in the glow of it.

But all you give me
is an eclipse.

I wrote that poem this time last year (July 20, 2017 to be exact). It felt fitting for this post–an eclipse poem for an eclipse reading. The total lunar eclipse in Aquarius on July 27, 2018 will be the longest lunar eclipse of the century. Eclipse energy is always intense, but the longest one in 100 years? Might just be worth noting. We already had a partial solar eclipse in Cancer on July 12, 2017. Cancer season always comes with stirred up emotions, but this past season was particularly volatile concerning home, family and our closest companionships. Many of you have probably had thoughts of leaving certain situations. Perhaps contemplating a new job, changing cities, leaving a relationship or friendships. What your heart is telling you to leave behind, leave it. Eclipses bring endings, irrevocable changes, sudden departures & the like. While all of these things sound daunting (and let’s not lie to ourselves, they are), they are forging a new path for you, one that serves you in the highest. We’re leveling the hell up people. Get ready. 

So how can we make the most out of this Blood Moon? There are already plenty of wonderful articles out on the web about what it means for this eclipse in Aquarius. The internet is full of amazing astrologers graciously sharing their knowledge of common themes we’ll be experiencing. So what I wanted to share with you is a tarot reading about what we need to leave behind, what we need to take with us & the overall feeling we may experience after this total lunar eclipse. I pulled a card from the Morgan-Greer tarot for each of these questions. Then I pulled a card from John Holland’s Psychic Tarot for the Heart for an encouraging message we can meditate upon during this time of rapid change. I hope it is something you can carry with you as the effects of the eclipse unfold over the next 6 months.

image1

 

What do we need to leave behind right now?

image2
IV – The Emperor

“A mature man with conviction and the ability to execute plans and ideas. He maintains an overview of all situations with stability, control, and reason.” – Moran-Greer Tarot

Sounds like a dude that’s really got it together right? Well, forget about him. During eclipse season, embodying the Emperor is resistance to what will actual serve you–which is change. To embrace change we need to release the need to control, the impulse for order, the desire to plan and take the responsible route. It doesn’t mean we need to run around turning our lives on their heads, but it does mean we need to not only expect the unexpected but embrace it willingly. The chaotic energy of eclipse season does not sit well with the Emperor. He is sure of his future, of his plans and how to execute them swiftly. But the structure the Emperor in all of us craves is lost to us right now. There is a time and place for the secure energy the Emperor offers, but this is not it. Our paths have shifted, shifting our goals, plans and strategy to get where we thought we wanted to be. We must be willing to break out of rigidity and embrace the freedom this shift is allowing us. We are not stuck. We are the complete opposite. Do not fall back into the confines of order the Emperor tempts you into because it feels “safe.” Instead of being fearful, be grateful, be curious and boldly lean into the transformation you’ve been gifted.

 

What do we need to take with us into this new phase of life?

image3
III – The Empress

“Wife, mother, companion. Through warmth and devotion, she brings pleasure and comfort to her loved ones. Finds practical application and purposes for ideas.” – Moran-Greer Tarot

I just have to say I find it interesting (& a little funny) that I pulled the consort card of The Emperor for the complete polar opposite question I was asking. Duality man, it’s wild. Anyway! The Empress… Divine femininity, ruled by Venus, an emblem of fertility, generosity and abundance. What I want you to bring with you is your open, soft nature. If you are not someone who is tapped into this, work on accessing it. The Empress is associated with the Heart Chakra. Open yours. To thrive in a time where so much feels uncertain, we must remain open wholeheartedly. This will allow us the flexibility needed to prosper on a new path, and continue our journey to our highest good, our purpose, our “Personal Legend.” Trust the Empress within yourself to provide you with the emotional strength and security needed to get through this. Use her warm energy to help you guide others who are not so sure of themselves.

 

What describes the overall emotional state/feeling we may experience?

image4
Five of Pentacles

“Spiritual warmth comforts those suffering financial or physical hardship.” – Moran-Greer Tarot

No matter how you shape it, this card means hardship of some sort. Be it money, career, home or in your personal relationships, there is a loss you are currently facing. It is difficult to let go of something, but letting go is a choice. Often with Five of Pentacles something was taken. We feel as if we were given no time to prepare. No time to choose to let go. I say “we feel as if” we weren’t given time to prepare because the truth is we are equipped to deal with the hardship to come. We may not want to, but we can. How? Through supporting each other. Not only do we need to lean into the new direction the Universe is pulling us in, we need to lean on each other. Express your confusion, fear, anxiety, excitement. The spiritual journey is a personal one, yes, but it does not have to be a lonely one. If you feel isolated, I want you to know I am your companion in this. I humbly ask you to honor me by trusting me enough to lean on me when you need it. And, I hope you will do the same for me.

 

What message overall can we trust during this time, to lift us, when we need it most?

image5
6 – Love

“…Are you coming from a place of love? It’s important to empathize, remain nonjudgmental, and love people for who they are. The same applies to your relationship with yourself. There’s an opportunity now to bring your being into a harmonious whole. Forgive your faults and rejoice in your perfect uniqueness… Are you choosing to have people in your life who support and empower you? Surround yourself only with those who encourage and sustain you, and who push or guide you to be all that you truly can be. This will help you value yourself and raise your vibration to that of unconditional love.” – John Holland, Psychic Tarot for the Heart

Eclipses are a time when the past recycles into our present. With so many planets already in retrograde, and Mercury about to station retrograde on July 26, people and situations from our past are popping up left and right. This isn’t coincidental or without purpose. It’s karmic energy, pulling up chords we’ve left uncut. Who/what are we still attached to that is toxic for us? Do not get me wrong. I don’t believe everyone in your past should always stay there. Sometimes the past cycles around to show us how WE were toxic. What behaviors have we exhibited that we need to recognize? How can we do it differently this time? Trust your intuition to be able to differentiate between something toxic/draining, and something that, while it may make you uncomfortable, is actually pushing you to a higher vibration. Be kind with yourself as you investigate these relationships, especially the one with yourself. Forgive yourself. Release what/who does not nourish your soul. Be happy, thankful and openly grateful to those who are. Unconditional love is not in short supply. If we can learn to release the fears & insecurities that cause us to put limits, conditions and ties on our love, we can finally realize & accept unconditional love is abundant within ourselves and others. Express it to those who’ve wronged you by forgiving them and letting them go. Express it to those who you know are in your life to cherish & support you. Let them know you are there to meet and love them where they are at. You are there to walk beside them as they journey to where their heart calls them to go.

 

Anytime I do a reading I always feel there is so much more deeper to go. But I am going to leave you with this. Truly, it’s just as much as up to your interpretation as it is mine. Even if this resonates with just one person, that’s enough. Also, any additional interpretation/feedback is always, always welcome.

By releasing the rigidity of past expectations held by the Emperor within us, we embrace and nurture the new path laid before us comforted by the loving, warm energy of our Empress. This provides us with the strength and light needed to navigate a time of hardship, loss and inevitable change (Five of Pentacles). We do it all from a place of eternal Love. And so it is.

illuminations.

For two weeks I’ve woke up to the thought: “I need to do a reading and write a post today.” But the days kept passing, I didn’t pull any cards & I didn’t write a word. But this afternoon I thought, “I’m ready to do a reading and I want to write a poem.” Not even a poem, really. Just words. I’ve always hesitated to call anything I do poetry. Real talk? That’s just a personal insecurity. It’s a fear-based thought. I think to myself, “How can anything I write ever be beautiful enough to be considered poetic?” Then, I wake up out of that messy, low-self esteem, self-sabotaging daze and I realize: my entire goddamn existence is poetic. And so is yours. If you’ve forgotten & needed a reminder–this is it.

There are levels to the messages when reading tarot. Some of them we often don’t even realize at the time of a reading. It comes later, when we’re standing in the checkout line or folding laundry. I find we have our most extraordinary revelations doing ordinary things. That’s not by accident. So, my few words here won’t cover as deep as the meanings run with these cards, but maybe it can pull something out of you.

Long story short, I decided to bang out some shitty unedited free verse while meditating on these images.

My advice? Do what you need to do to revive your creativity when you feel it losing its breath. It’ll thank you.

The Sun.

to feel the warmth on my face,

revitalization

you gift me with your energy

all of it, radiating

from my fingertips

outstretched like rays

I reach for us,

glowing,

growing

I feel you underneath my skin,

soaking in, you stay

like the tan lines that still linger

on my body in deep winter

we laugh basking in light

ablaze,

even as we fade

I still feel the heat, eternal

between us

9 of cups.

so tell me,

if the Sun is the closest star to us,

if it’s light gives Earth life

why are we sending our wishes out so far?

I must have asked the Sun for you

not Sirius or Polaris

you came from the Sun

that is the only way this could feel

this good, this fast

I pour myself into you when you come

just like I poured out into the heavens,

waiting for you to arrive

here you are,

there you go

8 of cups.

and there I go,

the Moon comes out to wrap herself

around the Sun,

a crescent of comfort

she shows me parts of myself,

of you, of us

that I couldn’t see in daylight

I do not regret wishing for you

I do not curse the Sun for bringing you

I do not hate the Moon for revealing you

I am grateful for knowing

when to leave and when to stay

like Orpheus leading Eurydice,

I cannot look back

I am honored to love struggle

into stride

but mostly,

I am in love with knowing that if I go,

and you are mine, you will follow

someday, I know

you’ll catch up.

dear self

Dear Self,

I am sorry.

I am sorry for taking you for granted. The way I’ve underestimated your ability to make miracles happen, your hard work and all you’ve done to get us to a place where we could feel like we’re on the right track. I am sorry for constantly doubting you. For nitpicking shallow little things about you, things that I wished were better out of fear and insecurity. I am sorry for the days I’ve wished I was born into a different body, with a different face and a different smile. I am sorry for holding your weaknesses against you instead of forgiving you. I should’ve been loving you into becoming stronger instead of punishing you for not being enough.

I am sorry for constantly putting you in the arms of people who weren’t even reaching out for you to begin with. And then when they had you, they’d run their hands all over your body, into your chest. They’d touch you, but they’d never really feel you.

I am sorry for knowing better, but not doing better by you.

I am sorry for when I’ve told you to run when you should’ve stayed, and all the times I’ve convinced you to stay when you should’ve left.

I take responsibility for all of it. I take ownership of our pain, just as much as I take ownership of our happiness. I am choosing happiness for us. I am sorry it’s taken so long. I’m here now.

Love always,

B.

lucky

I was thinking about how I’ve never felt lucky. Ever since I can remember, it’s always seemed like life has forced me to take the long way around. It’s true, I’ve had a lot of wonderful things happen to me. I’ve actually, quite literally, experienced what it’s like to have a dream come true. But it has always—always—come at the expense of something else. And when that’s how life has dealt with you, when a good thing

comes, you are always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath you. Where’s the loophole? Where’s the mistake? How did I misread it all this time? This way of thinking is completely unproductive. It fosters an environment of anxiety, self-doubt, low self-esteem. And to be honest, it’s an environment I don’t belong in. We don’t belong in. You see, I’ve never felt lucky, and maybe you haven’t either, but the truth is when good things happen to us, accept them. Celebrate them! We deserve them. We deserve good things. We put up with enough shit. When the good things happen—bask in them.

Luck was on my mind all day today (being that it is St. Patrick’s Day). I decided to pull a tarot card. Feeling unlucky, confused and worn, guess what I pulled? Strength. Strength is the eleventh card in the major arcana in the deck I used (in some it is number 8). If you’ve read my last post you know 11 has very much so made its presence known in my life lately. But besides that, the message I pulled overall from the Strength card is patience. Strength isn’t brute force. It isn’t barreling through obstacles, destroying carelessly whoever and whatever is in your path. Strength is accepting who you are. It’s accepting where you are at, and having the patience and determination to get to where you want to be. Strength is setting goals and accepting that when you are setback it is not the end of the world, it’s a process. Strength is knowing when to keep the door open, and when to close it. Strength is knowing luck plays a very minimal factor in where you end up, and acknowledging that your personal choices play a major one.

Sure, we’re lucky in many ways. But what are you choosing to do with what you’ve been given? What are you letting hold you back simply because you don’t think you’re equipped to handle it? Let me tell you, you are. Strength calls for leadership. Don’t fall into the background of your own life. This is your story, your dream.

I also challenge you to make a more difficult assessment of your own life. Are you surrounding yourself with people who make you feel strong? Do they build you up? Do they remind you of what you have to offer? Do they tell you they’re proud of you when you’ve accomplished something? Do they emphasize to you what you’re worth? If they don’t, perhaps it’s time to seek out those who are more uplifting, those who see what you see in them. Of course there are times when we need to be strong for others where they cannot for nothing in return. And unfortunately, people are not always able to tell us they need us to be strong for them. They don’t want to be seen as weak, vulnerable or dependent. Our ability to still support them without agenda comes from our own strength and unconditional love (for both ourselves and them).

The bottom line—I am lucky. You are lucky. If we have even one person who sticks by us in our lowest hour—at our weakest—to be our strength, how could we not be blessed? And sometimes, that person is ourselves. We shake the dust and keep going. We accept the unexpected, the unfair, the unrequited and the uncalled for.

We smile.

We laugh.

And we make our own goddamn luck.