“There is the solitude of suffering, when you go through darkness that is lonely, intense, and terrible. Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.”

– John O’Donohue, Anam Cara

This quote embodies the energy of the Mercury Retrograde in Pisces we’re in for the next few weeks. Perhaps what your processing isn’t as intense as others may be, but there’s still something stewing. There’s also still a disconnect there when you go to express your discontent to others and how it’s received. Something’s not quite translating, as to be expected in retrograde, but this one especially. It’s a time to sit with ourselves before taking any big actions. I want to revisit the reading I did on Instagram Live for the Pisces New Moon (which happened March 6th). From the Psychic Tarot for the Heart deck I pulled; Feeling Alone, New Vitality, and Awaiting Results. I pulled one card from the Romance Angels Oracle deck—Healing Family Issues (which just came up in my previous reading for the energies of March 2019. You can find that reading on my IGTV).

Pisces very much rules our inner world, the subconscious, what’s left swimming beneath the surface unsaid. We are in it. It is gloriously uncomfortable. I’m writing this because whoever is reading this, I am making a request—I really want you to sit with yourself. Alone, in silence. I want you to sit with your pain, your discomfort, your confusion, any negative emotion that seems to be following you lately. If you are reading this and thinking, “I am perfectly fine! My life is great. There’s no pain for me to feel” then either you’re the luckiest person on earth, have somehow completely transcended your ego and integrated your shadow, or you’re very blatantly ignoring something that is there. There is almost always something to heal. There is always something to learn. We are being given a time to ourselves to dig deeper into it, so we can heal it BEFORE the trigger and before engaging in the cycle whatever wound this is tends to activate.

Feeling Alone. The first card. It actually correlated with the 5 of Pentacles I pulled for the March 2019 reading in the same position. This is reinforcing our time of solitude and inner work. It might feel daunting and isolating, but those emotions are illusions. They’re barriers to your breakthrough. Any negativity you may feel turning inward most likely stems from fear. You are confronting darker, deeper things within yourself. For me, the loudest message coming through shows itself in the Healing Family Issues card. We need to really reach back into the past, back to childhood, to our oldest & earliest traumas. A trauma isn’t always something outwardly devastating. It can be something as little as a remark said to you by someone who wasn’t coming from a conscious, loving place and it stuck with you. Internalizing such a remark becomes belief in it. As a result we end up living out a false narratives for years, decades even. Now, I’m not saying you need to tackle everything at once. In fact, do not do this. Pick one thing. Pick something you know about yourself or life that’s making you unhappy. Why does it make you unhappy? Where’s the TRUE root of this suffering? (Pisces/Neptune rules illusions, break them down, find the TRUTH) What actions are you engaging in or not engaging in because of it? Do you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle? Like you always end up “back here” (wherever “here” is for you)? Investigating ourselves this way takes patience, self-compassion and lots of love. This is why it helps to imagine and speak with your inner child. Your inner child is an innocent beam of light, happy, unharmed and full of unconditional love toward you. How can you harness that essence again? What would your child-self say to you? What would you say to them? Meditate on this.

I’d like to go back to the quote at the beginning. “Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.” New Vitality was the second card I pulled. It indicates we will bring a bright, refreshing, wonderful renewing energy to ourselves, our lives, our goals and our relationships. But first, we need that solitude (Feeling Alone), because right now with our planet of communication (Mercury) is retrograde and swimming in the murky waters of Pisces. The words coming from many of our loved ones may be said with good intentions, but they might not seem to fully align what we’re currently working through or how we’re trying to work through it. We try to explain ourselves, but it just feels lost on others. Don’t get me wrong, It’s good to lean on your support system. It’s healthy to have that vulnerability and trust. Do it. But also know that right now, what will bring you most comfort and understanding is cultivating that type of support system within yourself. You do not have to seek outside of the self for your healing. Doing so often results in more suffering and a need for outside validation. Welcome love and support, but know your healing is ultimately YOUR responsibility and YOUR process. Own this. Own this and you will begin to feel more capable of healthily processing your emotions. You move out of victim mentality. You begin to embody love. The space you hold for yourself becomes space you can hold for others while they do their own work. Share your process when you feel comfortable. As your support system within yourself becomes stronger, the one outside of you becomes healthier. Your relationship with yourself is a direct reflection of your relationship with others.

Awaiting Results. This will not come quickly. Trust me, I know it’s a tall order. I’m writing this for anyone who needs to hear it, but also myself. I like to think I’m patient, but I also know deep down I like to see results fast. That’s where the self-compassion comes in. You’ve made it this far. You’re Here. Just wait. It’s all so mysterious, wild and disorienting. Embrace it. In addition to the Pisces New Moon and Mercury Retrograde, Mars is in Taurus. Taurus moves slowly and steadily toward their goals. Taurus is not easily deterred. With this sign driving our Action Planet, we have a great opportunity to truly be patient with ourselves and to buckle down get the work done. While the feminine Taurus clashes a bit with masculine Mars, I think the energies combining also serve as a great lesson of balancing our own inner masculine/feminine polarities.

Anyway, I just needed to write this. The message feels aligned with me. I don’t know if anyone else feels it too, but if no one else does it’s okay. You know why? Because I just spent an entire post writing about solitude, and how only we ourselves truly understand our own inner journey. So even if this isn’t what you needed to hear, I hope it inspires you to look inward for what you do.

Okay my loves, I adore you. I’m sending you all the light. Lean into your solitude. Investigate your inner world. Bring forth new, healing energy into your life. Patiently & compassionately support yourself as it all unfolds.

And so it is.