golden.

The windows are dirty. It’s golden hour and the ethereal light is filtering into my bedroom through the spotted glass, undistorted. I should really get to cleaning them. I should really get to a lot of things. But in this moment, as the light flows in, all I can think about is how my chest feels cracked open, but it doesn’t feel bad. It doesn’t feel wrong. It doesn’t feel painful. It’s simply overwhelming. It’s as if whatever is pouring out of me must be purged, and the only thing making its way back in is Love.

Of course it hasn’t always felt like this. It’s been heavy moving through inner turmoil. It’s always heavy, like swimming through sludge, so thick and deep you can’t feel the bottom. The trauma wants to latch to you. It’s BEEN latched to you. You keep moving through it hoping to come out clean. You always come up with some of it still sticking to you, even if it’s minimal. It’s those types of wounds, the ones that creep up on us, that leave us shocked and spiraling. We don’t even know they’re there until a lover reaches for us. Even though their touch is gentle we recoil instead of coming closer, because it hurts. It’s that kind of heavy.

But all of this soul work has revealed to me a power so incredible, I cannot regret diving into the depths. I say revealed because I have never been without it. You have never been without it. It’s just that sometimes we refuse it. We refuse to use it because it makes us too responsible for our own state of mind. But this evasion of responsibility for ourselves, specifically our emotions, leaves us feeling powerless and imbalanced. Satisfaction, stability, acceptance, manifestation, peace and strength all lie in one place–your ability to choose. For me it echoes through everything I do. Everything I create. Everything I am.

A choice to begin again.
A choice to see it differently.
A choice to put inner peace above all.
A choice to change the narrative.
A choice to love anyway.
A choice to embrace sadness, to caress heartache, until they begin to resemble something like joy and hopefulness.

It is liberating. For example, I was so sure this entry was going to be sad. I just knew it! I thought to myself, I am going to write today, and boy is this one going to be a doozy. It is going to hurt because today I am in IT! It being the sadness. But here I am writing (physically writing in my journal because that’s where entries on this blog often start), and I am smiling. I am radiant. I am optimistic. I am full. How? I suppose after working so hard to consciously choose not to dwell, I’ve finally begun to subconsciously choose it. Make no mistake, I choose to feel my sadness. I feel it, honor it, divine with it, and I kiss it farewell. At least, until we meet again, in a different way for a different reason.

Emotions ebb and flow. Healing ebbs and flows. It all comes forth in us, begging to be felt. So I make my choice. The water of the wave recedes, then builds up. Silently, I sit and let it swell. I feel it without judgment. I inhale, exhale. Within the crest is all I carry and through the crash it is released. The waves come at different intensities and varying frequencies, but they always come. I choose to experience their arrival as a blessing, a baptism, an awakening.

Golden hour is fading. The sun is setting. It’s light is now merely a dimming ember on the horizon. Twilight will linger in the sky until the night comes and dresses her in stars. A tiara of constellations. It will be beautiful. The windows are still dirty, but my vision is clear, and all I can see is Love.

4 thoughts on “golden.

  1. a reader

    The open presentation of love between you and your mother, an obviously strong bond that is clearly seen even from the distance of cyber space, has been inspiring. In fact, it has had an effect such that i’ve since strived more so than ever to strengthen my bond with my own mother, and my family as a whole.

    Today, Easter, something miraculous happened. I wanted to share it with you, because you came to mind, considering what i just conveyed to you…

    { I decided to call mom at 4 in the morn
    and read a passage from the bible to share something with her she enjoys.
    I decided not to pre-meditate on what passage and just let chance decide.
    miraculously, i opened up to the book of John where my eyes were drawn to read
    a passage about jesus giving a blind man sight.
    I heard this same passage one of the times i went to church with my step father and my mother in recent years. i read the passage to her when i called and shared the experience of the seemingly ‘divine’ coincidence i had encountered upon doing so.
    Then, I thanked her for the faith she has helped me keep of something higher, which she understands as jesus. I praised this moment for reminding me of something higher working in not only my life but our life.
    she suggested that i maybe go out to a service today, I said no with the confidence
    that i am with god, and i have been found, and i do not need to seek at the moment,
    and possibly find myself in a temple tainted by the nature of ‘man’ (including myself).
    I am focused, I am strong, I am faithful, I am love, I have sight. }

    Thank you, both of you, for shining the light of your bond where one cannot help but see it and become inspired.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do not even know what to say. This fills my heart with joy and so much love. May the bond between you and your mother continue to grow and flourish. Happy Easter, my darling.🌸

      Like

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