gift.

Disposable.

This is a word that summed up how I felt for a little over two years. It seemed continuously I attracted people into my circle who formed intense bonds with me, only to eventually drop me. When it came, it felt as though it happened quickly, swiftly, seemingly without remorse or a second thought. For a long time, I allowed this behavior to bother me. It bothered me because I would make up a narrative in my head about these people—that they didn’t care about me, in fact they never cared, it wasn’t real, they feel/felt no actual emotion for or about me. I chose to internalize the feeling of being expendable, inconsequential, and I let it keep me in the position of a victim.

Victim.

A role where I felt comfortable with my trauma, my anger, my sadness. As long as I was the victim, I could feel bad for myself without questioning my own actions and motives. Thereby stripping away the humanity of the people that hurt me and turning them into caricatures of perpetrators that did me wrong.

I am writing today to say that I know, very well now, that I am far from disposable. I am far from being the victim. I am far from being forgettable or replaceable. Even the thought of it to me now seems laughable.

I believe I’ve written before about the concept of people as mirrors. We attract those in life who have the most to teach us. They are a reflection of something we need to heal within. If we’re lucky enough to awaken, to be open and receptive, we can make the best of even the most awful and dire situations.

I write today to apologize and ask forgiveness. I ask forgiveness from myself for ever believing the hurt I perceived and pain I experienced was somehow deserved. I am sorry for believing someone as beautiful and powerful as myself could be left behind without leaving an incredible impression on those I’ve loved and been true to. But mostly, I am sorry for forcing a false narrative on those who’ve fallen away from me. You too are beautiful and powerful, and you’ve all taught me so much. Be it through your words, your silence, your presence, your absence. You were a Gift to me.

You see, what you think of me is YOUR business. What you do or do not feel for me is YOUR business. What you’ve decided to learn or not learn from me is YOUR business. It is none of my business. It has nothing to do with me, and has no bearing on me or what I feel for any of you. My time on Earth will forever be spent on learning how to authentically exist in and come from a place of love. There are times when my Ego wins & I do feel the negativity, the anger and bitterness—but I refuse to wallow in it. I make the choice to move THROUGH it. I accept it, I feel it, I let it in and let it go. (Mind you, acting from your highest self often feels like an infinite trial and error. It’s a simple concept but not easy. If it was easy, we’d have nothing to discuss.)

I’m writing today to tell you I love you, because everything else is an illusion. The pain, the betrayal, the insecurity, the distrust, the hopelessness, the loneliness—at times, it can feel vast and never-ending. This is untrue. While I wish I could unfold before you the specific path YOU need to take to heal these wounds, process these feelings & traumas on our mutual mission of humanity (to radiate & experience Unconditional Love & only Love), we all have a unique way of getting there. It could be through discovering your own spirituality. It could be through your career. It could be through therapy and professional help. It could be through a different religion. It could be through charity and volunteer work. It could be through meditation. It could be through your art. It could be any combination of things. But, as long as we are striving for this, we are nurturing ourselves, and by way of that, nurturing each other in the best way we know how.

It is Libra season. Libra. The harmonizer, the peacemaker, the conflict resolver. The Venusian sign of partnership & balance. Libra—when evolved—begs you to ask, how do my actions affect those outside of myself? Am I taking responsibility for the effects they’re having on others? Am I doing my best to bring peace to myself and those I love? Where am I imbalanced? Where have I demanded too much? Where have I settled for too little? Coupled with a Venus retrograde in Scorpio this season, take this time to reevaluate and reflect on your relationships. Are you choosing to act from the self you are NOW? Or are you falling back into an old pattern that no longer suits the current you? Naturally, as you change, you will feel aversion to falling into a toxic cycle anyway. But it doesn’t mean we are not susceptible to it. Healing is not a linear process. Be honest with yourself, gentle, but honest. Consciously choose who and what to engage with. Let the rest go in grace.

Know I am here to encourage YOU, whoever you are, that’s taken the time to read this. I don’t care who or what we’ve been to each other in the past. I have made the conscious choice to carry no angst, no resentment. You can make this choice too when you’re ready.

You don’t have to continue to carry the weight of your losses with you. Honor them and choose to be here NOW. Not in your past, not in your future, here. Take a quiet moment today to say, “I am here. I am safe. I am loved. I am supported.” Inhale, exhale. Feel this. Trust this.

And so it is.

2 thoughts on “gift.

  1. Reader

    BLSH,

    When i first read these recent entries
    I was overcome with a feeling of great joy
    by the compassionate insight contained within.
    It even gave me a bounce of positivity
    i had needed for the day and weeks ahead.
    After reading through all of your writings
    i could not help but entertain knowing a bit about what being
    a capricorn means… let me tell you, although
    naive to the tellings of astrology, i understand enough
    to agree that i’m considerably a ram.
    i fancied the idea of the two horned beasts, symbolic
    to the capricon and aries, as they exist in almost complete
    juxtaposition to each other. I indulged further with interest
    and looked into their compatability as it is said to be.
    i laughed it off. I recessed back into my previous personal
    qualm with sciences such as astrology. I will not make
    this letter any less of a charm by getting into it,
    but Schiller’s poem ‘human knowledge’ provides the frame
    of reference from where it is I base my reasoning
    (which is aside from the fact what i read
    about the two’s compatibility made insta-stale bread
    from what was just a moment before the sweet yeast
    of imagination)
    Anyway, i do believe each area of one’s life,
    the mental/physical/spiritual activities,
    gives nourishment to or leeches from the others.
    that much like the stars, any group of things in existence
    are as a system whose workings are both independent
    and contingent upon all that is exterior to it.
    This life i’ve lived, fiery & passionate, charging
    with no heed taken to a fore or hind sight, has
    left me acutely aware of such a concept.
    I too often have been as the ram who comes upon
    a blushing vineyard in his thirst and before
    inspecting the state of it’s grapes charges forth.
    Only too often afterwards to be displeased
    with the resulting drink made by his thrashing the fruit
    from their vines. though as time passed the
    shortcomings of my Aries essence
    has been balanced out by less innate qualities.
    This has happened by the introduction of new life
    activities and going about familiar activities in new ways.
    You’ve suggested, even urged us, your readers,
    to do exactly that in this post ‘gift’… wisdom, you are.
    For example, it was a few mornings ago
    when i was running up a very steep hill,
    which i make sure to include
    in a circuit that has been life transforming,
    that i thought, “these climbing steps are and
    have been the assured and steady paces
    of the capricorn.”

    i hope you have a great new year.
    i hope you know that you are rare
    in this world, and have the gifts
    to inspire people no differently
    than the stars have for centuries.
    Remember, your words and just
    simply being you* is and has been
    a seed that can bring forth
    growth in others.
    Please keep writing…
    or maybe it’d be more
    accurate for me to say,
    please keep sharing!

    * to prevent my saying ‘[even] just simply being you’ from being a cliche i thought to
    provide this footnote so as to make clear the truth of such a remark. I can not
    say i actually know you, but when i see you in a picture, especially a group photo,
    your personality, your essential essence, is visible. The character that radiates
    from the photo surely has the ability to inspire the viewer with the idea
    to positively shine also. Afterall, what’s good for the posture is good for the pose.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s